Strolling down the Autobahn...

About Last Night...

2012-02-29T20:18:00.001-06:00

Ok.

Let's talk about the storm last night.

It was loud.
It was windy.
It was strobe-light-esque.
It was violent.
It was yucky.

In my ~~fishbowl~~ home there are two large (and by large I mean 4 ft by 5 ft) curved windows on our staircase landing.

These windows are actually made of some kind of plexi-glass...although I'm ashamed to admit that it took me ~~seven~~ ~~six~~ ~~several~~ a few months to realize this.

So when plexi-glass meets a hard hard wind....it does this wavy-reverberation thing.

(think of a sound effect where someone waves a huge piece of flimsy sheet metal in the air as fast as they can to create the sound of a water buffalo stampede)

Enter 60-70 mph gusts.

Pretty much sounds like it's thundering inside.

Add to that the fact that when the wind blows horizontally the rain actually comes IN these windows and swamps the landing.

Add to that the fact the indoor windstorm makes all of the pocket doors in the house (and trust me....there are bunches of those) especially the one to our bedroom rattle rattle RATTLE in their pockets.

Add to that our copper roof which is DIRECTLY over the upstairs rooms (think: no attic space at all) and imagine how gi-normous raindrops and various twigs and branches ~~and possibly sad little squirrels and raccoons~~ sound when they CRASH onto it right over your head.

End result?

A beautiful indoor concert featuring the sounds of hell's gates.

In my humble opinion, anyway.

So the heavy winds started a little before 8 o'clock.

Carolyn ~~passed out like a frat daddy at Mardi Gras~~ went to sleep peacefully around then....and I cranked up her sound machine hoping she'd sleep through the noise.

The boys turned their lights out around 8:30.

Then our little game of "Whack-a-Mole" began.

8:39: Ethan. Complains of lumps and itches in head. RH removes 2 ticks. That's a whole different layer of yuck.

8:53: Ethan. Complains that he fell asleep (in the 2 minutes he was in there) and woke up and can't sleep. Sent back to room with sheep-counting instructions.

9:09: Bennett. Requests 10 more minutes of reading time because he's not tired. Request granted.

9:11: Ethan. Requests more reading time because Bennett is reading. Request granted.

9:20: Ethan. Can't sleep. Sheep instructions repeated in a louder voice.

9:29: Bennett. Can't sleep because Ethan is counting too loudly. Sent back to room with "pillow-over-head" instructions.

9:49: Bennett and Ethan: "Can we PLEASE PLEASE read for a few more minutes because we are SOOOO not tired and we both want to read and we just can't sleep and we really can't fall asleep PLEASE can we just have ten minutes?" Sent to bed with apples and 10 minute reprieve ~~BUT accompanied with instructions that unless they're bleeding or puking I don't want to see them until morning~~.

As they went back to bed Ethan looks over his shoulder and says, "If you need me I'll be in my bottom bunk tonight....not my top."
(note: running along side his top bunk is an enormous (6 ft by 2.5 ft) window)

Me: "Why not the top where you always sleep?"

(sounds of winds roaring and whipping in background)

Ethan: "I just think the bottom is a better place for me tonight."

(more wind)

Me: (pause) "Are you nervous about the storm?"

Ethan: "NO! NO! I just like that bunk tonight."

And they ran off to their room.

And I imagined Ethan looking out of that huge window and the trees bending over in the gusts while the motion lights flick on and off and quietly climbing down the ladder to the "view-less" bottom bunk.

And yeah...
I teared up.

When I went in to check on them after 10 minutes and they were both asleep....cuddled up with all of their childhood animal friends.

So I turned their sound machine way up and headed for my bed.

And my phone buzzed with a severe weather warning.

And the TV began reporting possible tornadoes in Lebanon, Missouri.

And RH and decided that if the sirens went off I would grab Carolyn and he would get the boys.

And my phone buzzed again.

And more warnings came across the local news.

And I cracked a window so I could hear the siren if it sounded.

And the windows rattled.

And both dogs (who never come upstairs) circled our bed over and over again.

And Joplin came under a tornado watch.

And RH fell asleep...~~confident in my ability to neurotically and psychotically keep tabs on the weather situation and awaken him in time to lead him to safety.~~..exhausted after a 11 hour day at work.

And I checked facebook where so many of my Joplin friends were posting about
...how very sleepless their nights were proving to be
...and how many of them had shaking kids in their beds
...and how some of them had kids AND dogs in their beds
...and how some were thinking about how awful this spring was going to be
...and how some were mad that they couldn't enjoy thunderstorms anymore
...and how the ones in the FEMA trailers felt like they were in shaking tin cans.

And I watched TV/checked my phone/observed facebook until the storms finally passed over around midnight.

Then I checked the kids one more time, mopped up the small lake on my landing, and fell asleep.

But here's the deal.

I wasn't really scared of being hit by a tornado.

(No....I don't so much want that to happen...but that wasn't what kept me wide-eyed and rigidly awake.)

It was more that I didn't want to MISS THE WARNING.

I didn't want to "not hear" a siren because the sound was masked by the storm outside (or noise inside) of my house.

I didn't want to miss that "freight train" noise because I'd drifted off.

I wanted to be READY.

(Cocked, locked and ready to rock....as my RH says...)

You see...if the watch became a warning,
if the noise got constant and louder,
if I myself saw a "hook" in the storm pattern...

Then I could take control of the situation.
Wake up RH and scoop up kids and head to the basement.

But if I missed the warning....

Ugggggh.

You see....

I know that God kept us safe last May.
He has a plan for us....and that plan is good.

I fully believe that He can and will keep us safe should we face another tornado.
I don't doubt His power....not even the tiniest bit.

But maybe I put too much stock in my control?

I mean....if He's going to keep us on this side of eternity for a while...
Then it doesn't really make a difference if I hear the train-a-comin' or not.

Right?

Logically?
Yes.

Emotionally?
Hard.

I know how it felt to not be able to physically keep my babies safe (see this blog)...
And that was sickening.

But I also know how amazing it felt to turn my baby completely over to God...
And that was beautiful.

Control, let go. Grab it up, put it down.

Tug-of-war between my faith and my human-ness.

And I'm embarrassed to say that last night....my mortal self won.

Do I think it's wrong to be prepared and on alert?

Absolutely NOT.

God gave us early warning systems and radar for a REASON.

But being so scared that I won't be able to save my children that I manically scroll between 4 forms of technology (as well as staring out of various windows while I am praying) for several hours until I notice that my shoulders actually hurt because I'm so tense?

Maybe a little?

I'm not sure about this.

Even the Israelites set guards up around their camps to warn of invasions, right?
( I think I've read that somewhere...)

Maybe it's my mind-set that was the problem.

I was genuinely bona-fide-ly truly ~~freakishly~~ worried about not being able to help my kids.

I think that maybe if I work on being prepared WHILE AT THE SAME TIME finding a peace that He is in control of the whole situation (not just whether or not we're going to get whacked) might bring me to the correct mental compromise.

I'm going to work on that.

It's not that I mind being the sole sentry while my husband and kids sleep peacefully (and how in the Sam heck they do that with that NOISE is beyond me) trusting in me to alert them to any dangers....

It's not that I mind getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep...

It's not even that I mind cleaning up a swamp on my stairs.

But I could do without the adrenaline rush from such a heightened sense of worry.
(That rush will keep you awake long after the storm is over, I tell you.)

God loves my children even more than I can possibly imagine loving them.

He has plans for them....GOOD PLANS.

I am not privy to those plans....but I gotta trust that.

God gave me the job of looking after these kids while they're here on earth....however long that may be.

So I will do the best I can.

And I will trust Him to do the rest.

And I will probably keep on watching the radar on stormy nights...
And stay signed up for weather alerts on my phone....
And keep my emergency box in the basement well stocked.

But I will turn off facebook.

(Maybe.)

A Different Kind of Same...

2012-02-23T14:48:00.001-06:00

So I guess that yesterday was the 9 month "anniversary" of May 22nd.

Strange that I didn't realize that until this morning.

To be fair...things have been pretty busy around here...

All of the males have been sick and are on antibiotics...
I spent Tuesday traveling to Kansas City for my follow up (all good thank you God!)...
I couldn't carry a bag of groceries by myself until yesterday...
The dog impaled himself on a wire fence...
Homework and tests...
Basketball and tennis...
Coordinating a visit from Watoto....
Life blah blah life blah life.....

But I guess, in the healing sense, it's good I was able to "miss" the date and not focus on it.

But you know what's interesting?

(To me, anyways...)

Yesterday after I dropped the kids off at school I decided to take a drive around our old neighborhood.

I hadn't been there for at least a month...and my friend told me that the house going up on "our" lot was making some serious progress.

So I thought I'd scope it out.

Now.
The 'hood looks 231 billion times better than it did on May 23rd.
Or June 30th.
Or even August 2nd.

Compared to a "normal" neighborhood though.....
Well....
It still looks like it's been through some hideous traumatic event.

(imagine that)

Yes...there are quite a few houses that are finished and beautiful...
But they sit next to dirt-filled lots scattered with home-remains.

And the trees...
That's just sad.

So many are gone....and so many of the remaining ones are...well....

I think a lot of us have learned to identify a tree that has been through a tornado.
It's easy to tell if they're laying on the ground or have beautiful metal garland (made from bumpers or stair railings or only the dear Lord knows what) laced through them....

But even the "undecorated" ones aren't "normal" looking.

They are standing, but many be leaning weirdly.
They have some branches, but they are cut off close to the trunk.
There may be some "twigs" coming off, but they are obviously new

I don't know if I'm describing this very well....but if you've seen these trees, you know what I mean.
They are a very obvious sign that MR. EF-5 WAS HERE!!!!

Anyway...that's what my the old neighborhood is full of.

Then there's "my" lot.

They are building it on the concrete footprint of our house...so it's sort of similar in shape...almost.
And it's in the same yard...almost.
And it's in the same neighborhood.....almost.

In other words....it's ALMOST the same, but it's some kind of weird alternate reality where things are similar enough to the original that you can recognize them...but different enough that you know it's NOT the same so you end up feeling...

Well...

Unsettled.

It's like when I walked into the "new" (and by new I mean completely rebuilt after the original was completely destroyed) Chick-Fil-A or the "new" Walmart.

It was familiar...it was the same store....but it wasn't the same place.

The flowers were on the tables....but they were different colors.
The greeter was at the door...but the door had moved to the right a few feet.
The produce section aisles were slanted...but in the opposite direction.

Unsettling.

So as I ~~sat in my car and stalked~~ took a quick peek at the house going up....
...I felt unsettled.

Where Bennett's windows should have been was only a roof...
....but the garage windows were the same.
Where our big bay window used to be was a blank wall....
....but the walk-out door was the same.
Where Ethan's whole room should have been was obvious attic-only space....
...but the front steps were still there.
Where the 3-trunked birch tree stood was now a 2-trunked tree....
....but it was in the right spot.
Where we once had a great backyard was mud and trash and no fence....
...but the deck door still opened up right to it.

And then there were the neighbors houses.

The ones that are completely gone....well...I'm almost used to that look.

But the ones that have been "repaired"...

Again.

They are almost the same, but they are not.
They are half siding instead of all brick...
or they are black instead of tan...
or they are stone instead of stucco.

It's the "almost-sameness" of them in the background of the "almost-mine" house that just completely throws me off.

I mean....
My exact same mailbox is there.
My house isn't.
My forsythia are blooming.
My entire garden is missing.

I will tell you that it IS a comfort to see A structure on that once-razed lot.
And I am sure it will be a beautiful house enjoyed by a wonderful family.

But I guess it was just a little bit of a shock to my system to see it be so similar/different to ours.

Maybe when we have our "forever home" that I can work on making into a real
real
true
real
HOME for us I won't have that "unsettled" feeling.

I know and feel and believe that our family is rooted in Christ...and that (as the song says):

On Christ the solid rock I stand
All other ground is sinking sand.

I do know this.

But I also have realized that I like making an earthly HOME for my family.

And since we aren't investing (financially emotionally time-wise) into our temporary place....I can't do that now.

Haven't been able to for a while.
(9 months and a day, in fact)

And that's ok.
Really.

But I am seriously looking forward to settling somewhere.

I would be such a bad wandering gypsy.

So...after all this rambling....I still think it's kind of interesting:

That I went back to the house on the 9 month anniversary.
That I came away feeling comforted and unsettled.
That I didn't drive straight to Shake's.

And maybe that's why...as I was driving past the ponds in front of our old neighborhood yesterday and saw all the yellow and orange-vested people cleaning out the tornado debris from the water...I didn't cry.

And maybe that's why...as I drove down 20th street today and saw strips of sheet metal wrapped around a tree....I did cry.

Healing is an up-and-down journey.
Make sure your seat belt is cinched tightly.

Moments and anniversaries and reminders will happen....
And they may surprise you.

You may find yourself crying when you find a piece of insulation-mixed-with-leaves in your jewelry box.
You may discover that you're unable to sleep when the winds are gusting.
You may decline buying a new purse ~~and throw your friends into complete shock~~ because you've discovered that you only need one.
You may realize that YOU can't sleep at night without giving your kids "one more hug".
You may find you have to leave a conversation in tears when someone re-tells a tornado story.
You may find you have to leave a conversation in tears when someone complains about stupid trivial issues.
You may find yourself sobbing at The Incredibles (see this blog post) or Star Wars movies (or this post).

It's ok, I guess.

Learning how to handle these completely random and unexpected emotional "slaps" will certainly help us learn how to deal with our teenagers one day.....right?

Healing and growing, I think, happen together.

And they are both good things.

Ad I don't think it's wrong to want to be settled in our "earthly" life....
as long as my root reaches a lot lot lot deeper.

And I think that Shake's was meant for anniversaries...
and since I kind of missed yesterday....
I can go have some tonight.

Salted Popcorn...

2012-02-14T22:39:00.000-06:00

One of the earliest childhood "crushes" I can remember having was Luke Skywalker.

(I think he was second only behind Ricky Schroder from Silver Spoons.)

I didn't care about the actor who played him (because I still actually have absolutely no idea who it was)...but really really liked Luke himself.

In fact, when I played Barbies I never allowed "Ken" to come around.

Just my barbie doll sized ~~weirdly floppy plastic esque~~ Luke.

When my boys started getting into Star Wars the old Luke Skywalker figures were pretty hard to find.

They were THRILLED when I remembered that I had one tucked away in a box of mementos my mom had sent me.

They were s~~o beyond totally disgusted~~ not quite as thrilled when Luke showed up in a light blue tuxedo top, bell bottom pants and long white boots from his last date with Skipper 30ish years before.

Back in the box went poor Mr Skywalker....but my kids (all 3 of them) continue to obsessively love Star Wars.

Therefore... when it came out on the big screen this weekend.....it was basically a mandatory event.

RH* wasn't feeling super well so I decided it would be my first post-op solo outing with the young ones.

After we'd gotten properly arranged with a booster seat and our contraband bottled waters (which I realize may give an example of rule "breaking" but seriously...$5.50 for a WATER? And that's after we had to pay 4 "upgrade to 3-D" fees of $3 a piece for the overly priced tickets anyway? Dude. Call me a rebel....) I told the kids we'd splurge for a big popcorn.

When I returned the movie had started.

(I knew this because I didn't have my 3-D glasses on and everything was so blurry and dark and loud that I narrowly avoided tripping over something on my way down to the 4th row which was the only place we could find 4 seats together. )

Anyway....

I passed out cups of popcorn and we settled in.

Now. You know the part in the movie when little Anakin has to leave home?

(He and his mom were slaves, but the good Jedi master (Qui Gon Gin???) wins the little boy's freedom but can't free the mom. So the mother asks the Jedi's to take her son with them to give him a better life....a chance to be something.)

Well Anakin is probably 9ish years old. He's walking away with the Jedi dudes, SO excited to be going up into the stars and fulfilling his dream....when he stops.

He turns around and looks at his mom, and goes running back to throw himself into her arms.

He's crying and says he can't leave her....

She's trying not to cry and telling him to be brave....

He asks if he'll ever see her again....

She swallows hard and give some bogus answer to make him leave....

And there you go.

I'm bawling again.

In the middle of the stupid Star Wars Movie.

Now I'll admit....

The 27 times I've seen this movie before I always get a little misty at this part.

But not like this.

Give me a break.

I've got one arm around Carolyn, the other around Ethan holding onto Bennett's arm and I'm literally crying into my flippin' popcorn.

(And FYI....trying to move your 3-D glasses enough to clean the tears off without making yourself dizzy and simultaneously keeping the popcorn bucket from tumbling to the depths of scary-theater-floor-land is a quite an impressive feat.)

Sure it's sad that Anakin is leaving home.

Sure it's sad the mom's still a slave.

Sure it's sad that Luke Skywalker isn't even IN this movie.

But my issue wasn't so much the sadness....

....it was the gratefulness.

I was honestly and completely overcome by gratefulness.

I had ALL THREE of my beautiful children with me.

I was physically able to take them to the movie.

I was blessed enough to provide tickets AND popcorn.

Truly....I was-- I AM---the most blessed of all women.

A long time ago and in a galaxy far far away...

...my life was different.

Have I enjoyed all of the things that have happened to me in the last 81/2 months?

No.

Not really.

If I could go back and make everything the same as it was on May 21st of 2011 for myself, would I?

No.

Not really.

You see....I got to experience a PROFOUND perspective change....

without anything truly horrifically awful happening to me.

And I don't EVER

EVER

want to go back to the placid-take-things-for-granted-more-superficial mindset I had before this last season of my life.

I feel like I've spent some time standing on the edge of some pretty scary situations....

and walked away relatively unscathed.

Thank God that unscathed doesn't mean unchanged.

9 months ago I certainly would have enjoyed taking my family to a movie.

Enjoyed ...yes.

Been happy we could do it....sure.

But been deeply fully wholly aware of HOW blessed I was to do it?

I don't think so.

I don't want to loose that feeling of "Blessed Awareness" as time marches on.

I hope I don't.

I don't think I will.

I'm going to prayerfully try not to.

I wouldn't mind if I could stop with the random outbreaks of public tears and can just have "theoretical reminder tears" .....

But luckily I kept my 3-D glasses so I can slip them on to cover-up my running mascara if I need to.

Hey...I paid 3 bucks for those dang glasses.

I can do what I want with 'em.

*RH is Redneck Husband....just clarifying for those who are more recent readers. When the muddy hunting boot fits....

Prayers for Charlotte

2012-02-12T17:07:00.000-06:00

My sister-in-law's close friend Sara just had a baby girl last week.

Before their daughter was born....
Sara and her family knew that baby Charlotte would face many health issues.

They chose to move forward on faith and put her in God's hands, and today that tiny baby made it through her second surgery.

She is not "ok" yet.

In fact, her mom eloquently described their situation as:
"Not out of the woods yet, but we have at least cleared a path that we can try and follow."

Here is a link to her blog.

She has requested that it be passed along to have as many people praying for her as possible.

Will you please pray?

And pass along the story?

Thank you.

And hug your babies tonight.

Baby Charlotte's Link

Time Wise....

2012-02-10T11:05:00.000-06:00

In my oh-so-humble opinion, there are two types of people in this world:

Ones who DO worry about being on time...
and ones who DON'T.

In other words.....

There exists one group of people who believe that a given time is an actual commitment, and if they are supposed to be/see/do something at a committed time....they do everything possible BY PLANNING AHEAD to make sure that happens.

Then there exists the other group of people.
They see time as a loosely arranged set of possible parameters into which they may or may not conform their schedule irregardless of who/what might be expecting them.

Now.
Since I am sure that it's impossible to tell which group I might consider myself to be in....I'll just go ahead and tell you.
I like to be on time.

I try really hard to be where I'm supposed to be at the time I promised someone I'd be there.

Do I always make it??

Not so much.

Do I often get uptight and frustrated and annoyed (at myself and the other people who are RUNING my punctuality goal)?

Sorta yes.

(which gives credit to the theory that the "other group" of people tend to be a lot more fun and laid-back and enjoyable then people like me.....but that's another post for another day.....)

So.
I certainly don't believe that being on time is a bad thing.
In fact....I think it shows respect, ability to plan well, and follow-through.

But I've also realized this....
That most times in life, an extra 30 20 15 10 5 or so minutes of waiting ~~probably~~ isn't going to make an eternal impact on anyone's life.

And the other thing I just so happen to know.....
My timing is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT God's timing.

I can't tell you how many times I've gotten my 3 ~~punctuality ruining terrors~~ sweet kiddos out the door in a timely fashion for school JUST to be stalled by somebody driving 9 mph or a stopped train or who knows WHAT blocking our carefully planned route out to school.

So.
Do I give into road rage and smack the dashboard?
Do I mutter choice words under my breath?
Do I holler at the kids so I have someone to take my anger out on?
Do I give up the drive and go to breakfast at Shake's?

Not usually.

I take a deep breath and say.....

"Hey. There is a reason we can't go down this street. There's a reason why we are going slow. There is a reason why the train stopped us. How do we know that God isn't protecting us from something further down this road? Maybe we should thank Him for the delay....huh?"

(See...I know I have neuroses....but I really do try not to pass them on to my kids. And even when I am not overly thrilled about something....I try to only let OUT things that will help them react in the way I know that I should react...and then hopefully I can learn from them as I re-train my way of thinking. I am so beyond imperfect....but efforts ARE being made...)

This morning I received this email from my dad.

Me (in a tizzy) : God, can I ask you something?
GOD: Sure.

Me: Promise you won't get mad?
GOD: I promise.
Me (frustrated): Why did you let so much stuff happen to me today?
GOD: What do you mean?
Me: Well I woke up late,
GOD: Yes
Me: My car took forever to start,
GOD: Okay....
Me (growling): At lunch, they made my sandwich wrong and I had to wait
GOD: Hmmmm..
Me: On the way home, my phone went dead, just as I picked up a call
GOD: All right
Me (loudly): And to top it all off, when I got home, I just wanted to soak my feet in my foot massager and relax, but it wouldn't work. Nothing went right today! Why did you do that?
GOD: Well let me see..... the death angel was at your bed this morning and I had to send one of the other angels to battle him for your life. I let you sleep through that.
Me (humbled): Oh...
GOD: I didn't let your car start because there was a drunk driver on your route that might have hit you if you were on the road.
Me (ashamed): ............
GOD: The first person who made your sandwich today was sick and I didn't want you to catch what they have, I knew you couldn't afford to miss work.
Me (embarrassed): Oh.....
GOD: Your phone went dead because the person that was calling was going to give a false witness about what you said on that call, I didn't even let you talk to them so you would be covered
Me (softly): I see God
GOD: Oh and that foot massager, it had a short that was going to throw out all of the power in your house tonight. I didn't think you wanted to be in the dark.

Me: I'm sorry, God.
GOD: Don't be sorry, just learn to trust me.........in all things, the good and the bad
Me: I WILL trust you God
GOD: And don't doubt that my plan for your day is always better than your plan
Me: I won't God. And let me just tell you God, thank you for everything today.
GOD: You're welcome child. It was just another day being your God and I love
looking after my children.

I read it to the kids while they ate breakfast.
They liked it.

Then my mother-in-law came to drive them to school and I told them to
"HURRY UP OR YOU'LL BE LATE!!!!!!"

Oh well.
Work in progress.

God's timing isn't just about "being on time" though.

It's also about His will in general.
His plan.

You see we might ask things like:
Why did that train stop on the tracks and block us???
Why didn't I get elected student body vice-president???
Why didn't that guy take our offer on the lot???
Why did our home get destroyed in the tornado???
Why didn't our home get destroyed in the tornado???
Why doesn't he/she want to be my partner anymore???
Why did my computer totally die???
Why didn't I get the job???

They are all good questions.
God isn't ever mad when we ask any of them.

It's just that....
His timing,
His will and
His plan
may not be things we can see or understand.

Now sometimes...after these event have occurred....we may be lucky enough to understand the WHY.
Sometimes not.

Honestly though.....I really love it when I can.
I love when (on the rare occasion!) I can gracefully make it through a trial....giving thanks the whole way....and then later REALLY get why it happened.

That's so awesome.

Like when your email goes down and you have tried and tried and tried to send something and it WON'T go and you're so irritated because now everything is late and blah blah blah.......
....then you realize you had addressed it to the WRONG person.

Or you are late to something no matter HOW hard you tried nothing (and nobody) cooperated and you're frustrated because you thought you had it all planned out....
....then you bump into a person (who is also late) with whom you've been trying to make contact and could never reach.

Or you make it through a terribly sad and heart wrenching experience that seriously made you question God and whether or not you could go on.....
....and you meet someone who is going through the same thing and you can talk to them and hold their hand and counsel them and let them know that they CAN make it.

My ~~surprisingly wise~~ little brother responded to my dad's email with this scripture:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I am not saying that God causes all of these trials.
No no no.

I am saying that He does do things to protect us...
and that every bad thing has something good that comes out of it.

We may or may not get the chance to see that "good".....
But trust me.
It's there.

So a summary.......

Being on time is good.
Being on God's time is better.

And being luck enough to see the "Why's" .....
is a really cool thing.

And did I mention?

Being on time is good.

Storm Damage...

2012-02-03T10:28:00.000-06:00

There is no other way to start this post than by saying:

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

To all of my friends, family, and precious people I have never even met who have sent sweet messages and prayers.....

Thank you.
I truly can't adequately express how very much all of this support has meant to me,
and how truly humbled I feel by all of the caring.

I am soooooooooooooooooooooooooo
beyond blessed.

Truth.

That being said....

HIP HIP HOORAY AND HALLELUJAH it's over!

Let's avoid THAT particular kind of episode in the future, if you don't mind.

Really, I had an amazing medical team and some seriously fabulous big and burly bodyguards (RH, my dad and my brother) watching over me.

In fact, the surgeon thanked US for asking them to pray with us before the surgery.....that was pretty cool.

And they let me stay awake enough to watch the screen that was showing pictures from this tiny little "camera" they had INSIDE of my heart.

(Which...looking back...seems kind of bizarre and freaky....but apparently I had enough drugs in me that it was just plain cool at that point.)

And now I'm the proud owner of a 29mm bow-tie shaped nickel alloy "plug" in my heart.

They say it won't set off metal detectors.
Bonus.

It is a little weird to think of it in there right now.
I'm glad it's there and all...but it's strange.

Oh well.

I'll get used to it.

Just hug me gently until it's firmly anchored in place, please.

Anyway....here's my random thought for the day.

During this experience quite a few people mentioned how crazy our last 8 months have been
(and yeah....that thought crossed my mind, too).

Some people have asked us
how our "strength" was holding up...
how we could "deal with so many crises"...
how we weren't "angry".

Well....
Here's the deal.

I feel that over the last 8 months and 2 weeks(ish),
I have been LITERALLY

the most blessed person in God's kingdom.

When you think of the things that my family has gone through...

direct hit by an EF-5 tornado
with kids out in a truck
and loosing a house
then having a stroke
while our hospitals aren't really functioning well
then having a heart ~~surgery~~ procedure....

AND AT THE END OF IT ALL ALL ALL OF US ARE SAFE AND ALIVE AND WELL.

Seriously....there is no greater blessing.

I truly mean what I've just written.

Completely and truly and honestly.

But (and I know you were just waiting for the "but" in all of this)....
that doesn't mean there haven't been effects from these events.

Just flip back through my blogs.
Just check my purchase record at Shake's.

Indulge me for a moment while I share a little quote with you
(paraphrased by me from Matthew 7: 24-27):

"Therefore, whoever hears God and does what he says
will be like a man who built his house on the rock;
and the rain descended, the floods came, and the wind blew and beat on that house;
and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.
But whoever hears what God says and chooses NOT to abide in Him
will be like a fool who built his house on the sand;
and the rain descended, the floods came, and the wind blew and beat on that house;
and it fell. And great was its fall."

Bottom line:
In order to still be standing.....you gotta have God for your foundation.

I'm pretty lucky.
I have an awesome foundation.

Now listen.

This scripture says that WITH God as your "rock"
your "house" will not fall no matter how strong the storm might be.

It doesn't say your house won't be damaged.

That your roof won't be torn off...
your memory scattered...
your chest hurt...
your contents be blown to smithereens...
your fears bubble over...
your control lost...
your legs bruised...
your underwear be full of insulation...
your heart aching....

It just says that in the end....
you will not fall.

When the foundation is firm and sturdy enough...
A new house can be built upon it.

But you know what else?
God isn't just there in the base of your "house".

He is standing guard around your broken walls.

He cares about your bad dreams.
He cares about your breathlessness when you see a piece of twisted metal still in a tree.
He cares about your sorrow over lost precious family heirlooms.
He cares about your anxiety when in thunders.
He cares about your fear of leaving your kids when they are so young.

And he will help you rebuild the parts of your life that have been damaged by the storms.

You know....
~~strokes~~ t~~ornados~~ life happens.

It doesn't always happen nicely.

But I know that if I can keep myself rooted where I should be....
I'll stay standing.

I may be leaning a little crookedly...
But I'll be standing.

Hole Hearted....

2012-01-23T06:39:00.000-06:00

Sometimes we have a LOT going on.

Sometimes it's all fun and hectic and busy and crazy and good.

Sometimes it's nothing but MONSTER WAVES that aren't so helpful.

Sometimes maybe it's a combination?

I believe that the "not-so-good" things are often-sometimes-always the things that I HAVE to thank God for.

Those are the things that grow me.
Sharpen me.
Refine me.

And...believe it or not (insert self-depracating smile here)...apparently I need some serious refinement.

There's a song my friend Tiffany introduced me to called Blessings.

(such an amazing song....so worth your time to click on it and check it out...)

The chorus says:

What if your blessings come through teardrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?

What a beautiful poignant idea.

Sometimes it's only when you're bowed over....
Sometimes it's only when you can't even see through your tears....
Sometimes it's only when you truly realize what can be lost...

...that your faith and dependence and love for God can fill you and go all the way through you.

Then....
when we can truly find that eternal perspective....
those painful thorns can become amazing blessings.

SO I choose to see my procedure this Friday as a blessing.

This procedure is one of those "never-thought-it-would-happen-to-me" kind of things.

But hey...didn't many of use experience that last May?

(((Note to self....whenever I hear the phrases: "slim possibility" or "small chance" or "very low probability" I should automatically brace myself for what's 100% DEFINITELY coming my way.)))

Anyway....Friday morning I have a hot date in Kansas City with a highly respected surgeon who is going to close a pesky little hole in my heart.

Once this patch is in place (and it will be done via my femoral vein) I should have a waaaaay lessened risk of a recurrent stroke.

Yeah, that's right.
Stroke.
Mini one.
Called a TIA.
Back in August.

Apparently it's not a normal good thing to loose all feeling in exactly one half of your body while making your bed.
And it's surely not normal to pay an emergency visit to a neurologist at Memorial Hall (which was partitioned off by shower curtains) because your hospital was attacked by a tornado.
And it's definitely a rare experience to have an MRI in a tent MASH unit.
Then follow all of that up with many many many tests (in 3 different states) in which you are told "it probably isn't....we doubt we'll find....it's very rare that...." and give everyone a good old fashioned surprise.

It is.
It was.
Get me a lottery ticket please!!

My dad and stepmom are coming in town this week. My dad will go with me to KC and my amazing stepmom will hold down the fort here.

I've told my kids that I have to have a little patchwork done and tried to get them really pumped up about their grandparent's visit.

I'll stay one night in the hospital and be home some time Saturday.

Then we'll see what the recovery is like.

The nurse said that I couldn't do housework for a week.
I'm sure she meant to say a month.

So....what have I learned from this latest season in my life?

(Besides brushing up on my knowledge of cardiac circulation, patent foramen ovales and Amplatzer devices?)

Any semblance of control in this life I once thought I had is an illusion.
My house,
my home,
my children,
my finances,
my health...

None of them are really under my control.

I have to let go.
I have to stop grabbing for them.
I have to realize that only God
only God
Only God
ONLY GOD
has control over all of this.

And you know what I'm so happy about?

He is SO MUCH better at EVERYTHING than I am.

At the risk of making a huge understatement:
it really truly is better for Him to be in charge because He really knows what He's doing.

The lot is cast into the lap,
But it's every decision is from the Lord.
Proverbs 16:33

"The horse is prepared for the day of battle,
But deliverance is of the Lord."
Proverbs 21:31

These verses bring me such a sense of relief.
At the end of the day....
He's got it under control.

So I've got a hole in my heart.
So my blood really likes to go through the hole.
So it likes to flow both ways.

None of this is a surprise to God.
He made me like this....
He gave me tests and doctors and a father who know a way to fix it...
He knows what's best for me and my family...
He knows how to love my children better than I could ever even try...

It's all good.
It's all going to be good.

Giddy up.

Remember THIS SONG??
(go ahead, click it, you know you want to!)

It's become my (Ally McBeal-ish to date myself) in-my-head-constantly-personal-theme-song.

It's funny.
Admit it.
In a twisted sort of way.

But hey....if the ~~hole~~ shoe fits......

:)

Empty Spaces...

2012-01-20T14:34:00.001-06:00

So here's an interesting story.

There is a house in ~~a galaxy far far away~~ our old neighborhood that was pretty severely damaged by the tornado.

It still has some walls standing....but you can't tell by looking at it if it's "total-able" or repairable.

It's still full of all the furniture (and everything else one fills their home with) that it had before the tornado.....although most of that is probably ruined by now.

On one side of the house is a home that sustained minor damage and is now fixed with a family of 5 living in it.

On the other side is a home that was demolished but is now close to the dry-wall-stage of completion so the family can move back into it soonish.

But....there in the middle....sits the smashed up moldy nasty ugly stinky shell of a house.

Yes....almost 8 months later.

Word in the 'hood is that the owners collected their insurance money and wiped their hands of the whole mess.

(and boy....is it a mess!)

Now no one can find them and therefore no one (inlcuding neighbors and the city workers who are supposed to make sure that all the tornado junk is removed and fixed) can determine what their plan is for this property.

(And as an aside....why didn't anyone tell me about THAT option of coping post tornado???? You're sayin' that my family and I could be living in a beautiful straw hut on a white beach with umbrella drinks and fresh scallops for dinner? And not have to deal with any insurance/home finding/clean-up/cookie cutter locating junk? Seriously? How did I miss that memo?!?! Dang.)

Anyhow...

Word in the 'hood is that a group of people have moved into this destroyed house.

Apparently they occasionally pose as "builders" and stick their heads out of a tarp and hammer something for a few minutes, then duck back in.

But there is no building permit on the house and not a whit of demolition or reconstruction has been done.

Just occasional random hammering.

Neighbors have called the police on a daily basis but nobody answers the cops' knocking and since it's "private property" the police can't go inside. (Apparently even walking over the knocked down wall rubble is considered "entering".)

So....this group of people is just....

well....

living there.

Harmlessly from what I've heard.

Now this post isn't being made to say that this kind of habitation is right or wrong.

Really I just find the story interesting on several counts:

1. People actually exist who can just walk away without any sense of responsibility or closure.

2. The city (who has cracked down HARD CORE in so many areas) is allowing this obvious health hazzard to stand.

3. These people try to look like builders instead of just hiding.

4. The uncanny parallel it has to the story in Matthew 12:43-35.

Tiny Bubbles...

2012-01-11T16:58:00.000-06:00

Remember this song?

It was a good one.

I actually (and please don't laugh at me when we run into each other later) put that song on my "EF-Faith" songlist compiled after the tornado.

Life happens.

You fall down.

Or maybe you get the ~~living snot whacked out of you when you are unsuspectingly walloped in the back of the head~~ knocked down.

Either way....you have to (eventually) get up again.

You'd get pretty wet and cold and dirty if you just stayed laying there on the ground.
You might even get stepped on...or run over.

Gotta get up.

And for the most part, we do....right?

Something happens that takes our legs out from under us...and we regroup....pull ourselves upright...and go on.

And those little "knock-downs" can happen all day every day.

Somebody cancels on you or shows up late and your carefully to-the-minute scheduled day goes down the drain.

Two out of your three kids walk into school teary-eyed because you forgot to pack their lunches.

Your spouse calls to tell you of an IMPORTANT event you HAVE to go to and so you cancel the coffee/lunch/dinner/ with your friend that you've been looking forward to for weeks.

Your washing machine literally explodes sending waves of water, plastic and weird metal springy things across the laudry room.

(ok....maybe that last one is just me.)

All minor things, really.
Nothing salvational or life-threatening.

You stand up, brush off your knees, wipe your hands and go on with your life.

Sometimes the "fall" is a little more treacherous.

You get knocked down by a much bigger force, and the weight of it on your back and shoulders makes it harder to just spring right back up again.

But still we do...
...because we are alive
...because we have people who need us
...because it's just what we do.

And then there are those times that kind of remind me of going to the beach when I was a little girl.

You skip out into the ocean to frolic about in the lovely surf.

Then you meet Mr. Monster Wave.

After that wave takes you down, you get your feet secured in the sand and stand back up...
...only to have another (maybe bigger) wave send you crashing to the bottom again.

So you use your knees AND hands to push yourself back to an upright position just to have another wave send you sprawling.

Now it's hard to figure out which way is up and which way is down but you have to breathe so you feel for the sand and just as you are pushing your head almost above water.....

Well....I think you know how this little allegory ends.

Sometimes the things that "knock us down" seem unrelenting.

Sometimes you feel that you really can't get a full breath in between crises.

Sometimes it's maybe hard to even get the energy to TRY and get your head up high enough for a full breath.

One of my favorite bible verses is Philippians 4:6-7.

Be anxious for nothing,
but in everything by prayer and supplication,
with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;
and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds thought Christ Jesus.

This is something I've prayed about for myself and for other people SOOOOOOOOOOO many times.

Wouldn't that be awesome??? To be in the middle of something horrible and still feel peace?

Now.

I have been able to feel peace before during a time when...had God not done His thing....I should NOT have.

(for instance....when I couldn't find part of my family during and right after the tornado and I knew they were in a truck somewhere nearby...)

But to be honest (who me?)....there have been many times I haven't felt even a teeny tiny smidgen of that peace.

I will get knocked down...and all I can think about is how this is the FOURTH (or third or fifth or seventeenth) monster wave that seems to be directly aimed at me and (seriously) how flippin' much can I be expected to take?!?!?

I've read that when you get disoriented underwater, you should stop moving, open your eyes, and see which way the bubbles are going so you know the direction of the surface.

When you are freaking out--well, you make a LOT more bubbles and there 'ain't NO way you can tell which way to go for air.

But....if you can make yourself calm down...
(be anxious for nothing)
Ask for help....
(by prayer...let your requests be made known)
And watch for the bubbles...
(the peace that surpasses all understanding)
You can find your way to the surface again
(your heart and mind is protected).

So really....is it that easy?
Stop, ask, watch and find?

Yes and no.

Easy in theory (and reality!) but really really hard in action.

Sometimes life is so overwhelming.

Sometimes all we can do is sit down and cry.
(but hey...there's a season for that too...even Jesus cried!)

And I'll be the first to tell you that a good cry
(and by good I mean that shoulder shuddering throat hurting snot dripping chest heaving kind)
can really truly give your brain some relief.

It's like a release valve.

So if you just want to sit down and mope....
Call a friend and vent...
~~Eat 3 Shake's concretes all by yourself...~~
Lock yourself in a room for a few hours....
Go for a 7 mile run...
Scream into a pillow....

Go ahead.

It does NOT mean that your faith is weak.

It simply means that you are human and have to let off that steam....
and then your "internal pressure" will be low enough for you to pause and search for bubbles.

My hope is that with enough practice I can "pause" after only eating 2 concretes.....
and maybe,
ONE day,
even after only eating one.

(But that one concrete is probably always going to be pretty important.)

Unforgettable...

2012-01-04T13:53:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine posted this today....

Just goes to show that the
things you don't want to remember
are often the same
as the things you don't want to forget.

Susan's Blog

Don't Get Stuck

2012-01-01T09:54:00.001-06:00

I am certain that New Year's Day brings about TONS of declarations and posts and tweets and heaven only knows what other kinds of statements regarding resolutions and things everyone wants to do in the coming year.

I don't really want to do that in my blog today.

(Happy New Year, anyway.)

Sure....we did our family resolutions before going to bed at 10:15 (because....as we told the kids....we celebrate New Year's on Berlin time) and drank sparkling apple juice and ate gooey butter bars....we aren't total grinches.

One thing we did do that I thought was cool was kind of Ethan's idea.

You see...a few years ago Ethan asked to make two cakes for New Year's Eve.
He wanted to decorate one that was a "good-bye to 2007" theme,
and make the other a "hello to 2008" cake.

So we did.

This year he asked to do the two-cake-thing again.

Fine.

But then we sent one of the cakes to my sister-in-law's get-together and ended up with only one cake at the house.

(And in all honesty....I really didn't want to mix frosting and do intricate time-consuming memorial decorations.)

So we switched it up a bit.

The kids, RH, my mom and I made little paper flags.

Then everyone drew or wrote about what they were saying good-bye to in 2011 on the first side, and what they were looking forward to in 2012 on the other side.

With a little scotch tape and some chopsticks the pieces of paper turned into flags.

We took turns explaining our drawings for both years....

....then ate cake (yes....before we ate the gooey butter bars) and moved on.

(You might notice that while most of the flags include a tornado theme for 2011, only Bennett's includes a political commentary as well. Again....who is this kid?!?)

Moving on is good.

It's nice to move on.

Seriously.

But...( and you KNEW that a "but" was going to be coming here...)

isn't it strange how even when you REALLY want to move on....

you also don't really want to let go?

Kind of like....if you really and completely move on and get past something....

you might somehow forget what it is you're getting past?

And while no one wants to become totally enmeshed in and re-live tragic points of their lives....there exists a very real fear of forgetting the true enormity of the event that has contributed to the person you are (and the world you live in) today.

I am reading a book my mom gave me for Christmas called The Beach Trees by Karen White.

It takes place in New Orleans and there are many references to Katrina and what she did to the city.

The main character is from out-of-town and is having a hard time understanding why...6 years later... residents are still talking about the storm and have memorial pieces of "Katrina trees" and debris all over the city.

She thinks that people would be happier just getting rid of all the "left-overs and scars" and just focusing on the good things and the future.

A lady from New Orleans takes her to a memorial site, and this main character is very uncomfortable being there and asks the lady why she brought her there.

The lady explains: "I wanted you to understand that moving on doesn't mean forgetting."

Yeah.

Don't forget.

Don't let the events of May 22nd....and the months following....lose their meaning.

Don't let the memories control your life...but don't be afraid to remember them.

I don't think God makes beauty out of disaster so that we can forget the disaster.

I think He does it to show us how high He can make us rise after we fallen to a rocky bottom.

And if we forget how low and bad and hard and scary that "bottom" was....

then how can we realize how magnificent and amazing our new heights and perspectives truly are?

Last night, between the flags and the butter bars, Bennett shared something with us.

He has a devotional book called Jesus Calling which has a little "note" that Jesus might have written to you for each day of the year.

On May 22, here is what the "note from God" said:

When things are not going your way, don't panic--accept the situation. Feeling sorry for yourself can easily spill over into feelings of resentment and anger. Thant can cause you to push away from me.

Remember that I use all things to work together for good in your life--even the things you wish were different. So accept your situation, and then look around you for what I am doing. Keep your eyes on Me--no matter what is happening around you...

I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. But sometimes it can be hard for you to understand My way of doing things in this life. It's easy to get your mind stuck on your own idea of how things should go. Just don't get so stuck on your idea that you forget to look for My way.

He has a way.

He doesn't say forget...He says trust Him.

It's a new year.

A symbolic new start.

I think I will choose to move forward....and focus on how good things are....as well as remembering (with utmost gratefulness) the things He's lifted me up from...to give me such beautiful perspective on my life.

You Better Not Pout....

2011-12-12T22:15:00.000-06:00

A few years ago I found a set of "Christmas Classics" DVD's.

In it were movies from ~~way back when I was a kid~~ a few years ago like:

Rudolph

Frosty

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

Little Drummer Boy

You know....all those kind of cheesy not really animated but weird puppet-esque characters?

Where....if you remember....somebody always breaks into song and then strange psychedelic hand drawn cartoons float across the screen?

(Please....for the love of Pete....tell me that I'm not the only one who grew up LOVING these movies and scouring the TV Guide until we found the "specials" then staying up late to watch them????)

Anyway, out of the 5 boxes of Christmas things I dragged out of the warehouse these DVD's made it to our new home.

So last night after the kids and I ate dinner (RH went to bed early with a ~~hunting~~ head cold) I told them that I had a SPECIAL surprise in store.

I turned on the fire and made some hot chocolate (and Earl Gray Latte's for myself and my 11 year old (who is actually a 59 year old stuck in an 11 year old body)) and popped in Santa Claus is Coming to Town.

At first the kids looked at me with raised eyebrows as the animated Fred Astaire dude started singing and waltzing with bunnies.

But.....they got into it.

Seriously. They were giggling and Ethan even asked why the Winter Warlock was so darn mean.

And all four us...with the two dogs...sat cuddled on our built in carpeted couch.

I had one arm around Ethan and one around Carolyn with a big blanket over us.

Rigby (the wolfhound) had her head in Ethan's lap, and Bennett (who is too cool to sit next to me but not yet too cool to watch Christmas specials with me thank God) laid his head on Rigby's back while Jake (the lab) had his head on Bennett's legs.

Good thing the sunken couch is in a 'C' shape.

It was dark and the fire was flickering and the only other lights came from the TV and the Christmas tree.

Then on the screen Kris Kringle announced his decision to deliver gifts on Christmas Eve because that was the day of the year that love came to earth as a little baby in Bethlehem.

"He means Jesus," Carolyn informed me without taking her eyes from the moving puppets.

And as I looked at her,

and Ethan....

and Bennett...

and even the dogs...

I quietly lost it.

I'm talking

lips quivering

tears flowing

trying not to move

thankful kids are immersed in movie

lost it.

I was SO

overwhelmed by gratefulness.

Yes....I was grateful for a Christmas-y night in our home...complete with fire, cocoa, tree and Santa movie.

Yes...I was grateful that my 5 year old recognized that Jesus is the biggest gift we've ever gotten.

Yes...I was grateful for all of those things....TRULY.

But honestly (and have I ever been anything else!??!?)?

My mind went to how easily our little gathering could have been changed that night back in May.

How we could have been missing one (or more) of those kids.

How those kids might have been missing me.

How even the dog could have not been here.

So I wonder....am I obsessed with the stupid tornado?

I don't think so.

I function reasonably well......or at least fake functioning reasonably well.

I don't bring it up in conversations every day.

(yes...it does feature in all of my blog posts but anyone who doesn't want to "hear" that kind of talk can simply and effectively click their way to happy-land!)

I don't ask for privileges or concessions because I am a "victim".

I get myself and family around to planned events....sometimes I even take charge of these events!...and ~~usually~~ everyone even has on clean underwear.

But the thoughts (or memories) are always there.

Hiding behind a corner.

Barely beneath the surface.

Lurking quietly in the background.

Ready to surprise you without warning.

--Sometimes all it takes is a drive across town when you have to see the huge pieces of metal still wrapped around bark-less trees.

--Sometimes it's reaching for your huge container of chili powder that you KNOW you have only to remember that you don't have the stupid chili powder anymore.

--Sometimes it's receiving a Christmas letter from a relative who devotes a portion of it to the Joplin tornado.

--Sometimes it's an innocent question from your kids about "Why don't we have the Christmas mugs out this year" and you have to answer them that you don't know whether or not you still have the mugs because they MIGHT be crammed in the bottom of the warehouse or they MIGHT be broken in the warehouse or they MIGHT be in a neighboring town.

--Sometimes it's watching your daughter and niece play "Tornado" and run for cover under the chairs.

--Sometimes it's.....well....for no reason at all.

And then....well, I'm taken aback by the sudden rush of emotions that come to me.

Sometimes fear.

Sometimes anger.

Sometimes (ok...lots of time) confusion.

Sometimes gratefulness.

I like that last one a LOT more than the others.

I went to an amazing Christmas party last week.

There must have been close to 75 people there, and the food was wonderful, the decorations were amazing, the music was beautiful and the night was all kinds of festive.

But....by the end of the evening...every group I spoke with was immersed in "Where were you/what were you doing/what is your story" conversations about May 22nd.

EVERY SINGLE GROUP.

So....maybe it's not just me?

I've had several people tell me that this blog speaks to them because they sometimes feel similar things to what I've expressed.

So let me express THIS.....

That is so wonderful to hear.

That is so comforting.

It really makes me feel less-crazy.

I have been praying that I will only write the things that God wants me to write....and the fact that I'm being given the reassurance by friends, acquaintances, and complete strangers that I am not alone in some of these things is a blessing beyond words.

So to those of you who have taken the time to tell me that?

Thank you.

It truly means more to me than you can imagine.

And if I only had my Christmas mugs....I would ask you to come have some Christmas cheer with me.

Maybe next year?

My Normal Rockwell Christmas...

2011-12-05T21:10:00.001-06:00

So.....
It's as done as it's going to get.
Christmas decorating, that is.

Now I'll be the first to tell you that I LOVE this season.

I love the decorating...
I love the baking...
I love trying to find just the right gift to make someone smile...
I love Christmas music...
I love the Salvation Army bell ringers...
I love the overwhelming joy that comes to me when I realize that most of the world is celebrating (whether they want to admit it or not!) the fact that God poured Himself into a human and came down to this uncomfortable-cold-hard-scary world just because He loves us.

So....I love this season.

And even though I have no doubt what Christmas is really all about...I also love making my home sparkly and festive.

The biggest part of that is our tree.

We are blessed to not have allergies in this family, so we've always gotten a ~~(sorry to the environmentalist in my friend group!!)~~ live tree.

(I don't go so far as to travel to somewhere cold and snowy and physically cut down a tree...but I do travel to Albert's on 7th Street and point to one myself. And it's sometimes cold at Albert's.)

In our old ~~world~~ home once we got the 12-14 foot tree set up I would let it stand for a day or two to let the branches settle.

Then I would take 1-2 days to get the lights perfectly wrapped around each branch....sometimes using close to 34 billion thousand lights on the tree.

No one was allowed to help me with the lights....it was MY job~~....my OCD~~....my thing.

Then one evening we'd put on Christmas carols and the kids and I would put the ornaments on while RH ~~slept on the couch in front of the tree~~ supervised.

I'd lay out all of the ornaments that THEY were allowed to put on....and then make a pile of "Mom hang-able only" ones for myself to deal with.

These included the very breakable and/or precious ones such as; first Christmas lenox ones, ones I made in kindergarten, bulbs from my parents' first tree, etc.

Of course we'd talk about the different ornaments and the memories and traditions surrounding them...and the kids and I all loved that.

And here's the true confession time: after they went to bed, I'd quietly get the ladder back out and rearrange the tree to MY liking.
I'd move ornaments from the HUGE grouping that always appeared right at the kids' arm levels and strategically place them where I wanted them to be.

IF any of them noticed the next day that their arrangements had been relocated, I'd ~~flat out lie~~ explain that some of the ornaments had "fallen off" and I simply put them back on.

I know....me and the Grinch are pretty tight.

Anyway....that system had worked pretty well for the last 11 years of mom-hood.

So......this year has been a little different.

I love understatements.

Anyway...this year the kids and I did go to Albert's and pick a tree.
Now...in our current 70's home we have super-high ceilings, so we picked a gi-normous tree that really was not in our budget.

(((But by geeze....THIS Christmas is going to OOOOZE Christmas and be as OVER THE TOP as we can make it because ALL of this festivity is going to completely cover the fact that our family (and hence our household) are NOT in the right home this year.)))

And the very next day, instead of waiting for "branch-settlement", I put lights on.

And I only used about 1/2 of the lights in the box because I--for some weird reason--didn't want to put forth all of the effort it would take to put all of those lights on.

Strange....but time-saving I guess.

Then that very same evening I put on the carols and we opened up the ornament boxes I had retrieved from our warehouse that morning.

The first box had definitely taken in some water PT....and maybe even had some heat damage at some point.

All of the ornaments (and weirdly enough...there were quite a few of these) that the kids had made with peppermint candies on them had completely melted and formed a minty hardened glopulous mess all over the ornaments below them.

(Gross....but it smelled good.)

About half of the plain colored glass bulbs were broken, and the others had this weird spotty crackle on them.

(Interesting look....maybe a new trend?)

Some of the plush homemade ones had water stains but no mold....
Some of the photos in the "made at a class party" ones were water damaged and ruined....
But all in all most of them were ok.

Compared to many of my friends who never even found ONE of their ornaments....we were pretty darn lucky.

So I began separating them out into "kid-hangable" and "mom-hangable" piles.

After a while Ethan noticed that there was a forbidden zone....and of course immediately began trying to invade the borders.

"Why can't we hang those? Why can only you? That's really not fair. Why?"

And I used my standard super-ultra-perfect-nice-mom response:

"Because I'm the mom...I'm the boss...and that's the way I want it."

Nice, I know.
Like I said....the Grinch is my bud.

But then I had one of those moments.
An epiphany, I believe it's called.

Just like I really didn't care how many lights made it onto my tree this year....
I didn't really care about those ornaments.

Now listen:
I do love love love the memories that old family ornaments invoke.
I love having a tree full of stories and symbols and remembrances.
I am so very grateful that my family ornaments made it out of the tornado relatively unscathed.

I feel so bad for my girlfriends that don't have those sweet little thumbprints and pictures and smooshed up peppermint/glitter masterpieces that their kids created....and I REALLY don't want to downplay the fact that I know how very blessed I am to still have mine.

I also realize that I might very well feel differently if I no longer had my family ornaments.

But truth?

At that moment (and right now!)....the ornaments themselves meant very very little to me.

So I said to my surprised children:

"Actually.....go for it. Hang anything you want. Have at it."

Once they picked their jaws up from the floor they WENT FOR IT.

Of course within 1.2 minutes there was an accident.

A personalized collectible "First Christmas" bear in a high chair shattered into 17 pieces.

Ethan looked at me in horror and began crying, "I am so sorry! I didn't mean to! That was my special ornament and I broke it!!!!!!!"

And I just looked at him, smiled, and said with the utmost honesty:
"Ethan....It simply does NOT matter. It's nothing but glass. Who cares?"

And he stopped crying.
And stared at me.
They all did.
And I smiled at them all, and told them to keep on decorating.

At the end of the night we had a very full tree.
Most of the ornaments were....and still are, I'm happy to say....concentrated in a band that ranges in height from Carolyn's reach to Bennett's reach.

It sort of looks like the tree has a belt actually.

And maybe 10 or 11 ornaments got broken during the decorating process.
Some of these were special.
Some weren't.
One I broke myself.

But....really....who cares?

I have three amazing kids around my tree.
I have a husband sleeping soundly next to the tree.
I have a roof over all of our heads and a basement under all of our feet.

And that's really all I need to make this crazy 'ol house look pretty darn festive.

Although the disco ball reflecting the Christmas lights helps, too.

Good Morning...

2011-12-01T06:30:00.001-06:00

This morning as I opened my bible to spend some time with God I felt a bump.

This has happened before.....
lots in fact as I cleaned out random debris from its' pages...
but I haven't found much junk in there lately.

Anyway, I found a leaf.

Part of a leaf, to be exact.

Dry, brittle, still green....with a chunk of white insulation wrapped around it.

And guess where it was?

Hmmmm.

Now I am CERTAIN I have found tornado puke here before.

A huge chunk of glass, in fact.

And I am CERTAIN I cleaned out this page.....
I even have photographic proof of it (in earlier blogs!!) so I know it's happened.

Yet....here's another large directive bump.

Guess God thought I should revisit these Psalms?

So I did.

Man...I love Him.

Psalm 46 is amazing....but it's not the only one that spoke to me this morning.

Above it, in the end of Psalm 45 it says:

"Listen, O daughter.
Consider and incline your ear;
Forget your own people also and your father's house;
So the King will greatly desire your beauty;
Because He is your Lord, worship Him.....
....The royal daughter is all glorious within the palace;
Her clothing is woven with gold."

Psalm 45: 10-13

Know what God let me know today?

(and a side note here....how often does the bible specifically address DAUGHTERS? Lots of "to my sons..." which I realize means all children of God....but it is awfully nice to find a "daughter" too!)

I am beautiful to Him.
He wants me close to Him.
He has given me a place in His palace.
He really really really loves me.

AND.....in Psalm 46 I get the reminder that

"God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble."

Psalm 46:1

GOOD morning.
GOOD GOOD morning.

Thanks, God.

Shifted Foundations...

2011-11-21T22:06:00.001-06:00

Six months ago today we said good-bye to my dad and stepmom and they headed back toward Atlanta.

Six months ago today we went to church.

Six months ago today I traded my sister-in-law a daughter for two nephews and went home to get ready for my son's 11th birthday party.

Six months ago today 4 boys played in the sprinklers in the yard while I made vanilla buttercream frosting.

Six months ago today I agreed with my father-in-law that we should move the party to our house instead of their pool because the weather might get yucky.

Six months ago today I asked my husband to take the boys to my in-laws for a quick swim so I could get the house ready.

Six months ago today two of the boys came back with my mother-in-law.

Six months ago today we ignored a tornado siren and sat in the kitchen eating chips and dip.

Six months ago today the sky got really black and I called my husband's uncle and asked him how close he and our aunt were with my son and nephew.

Six months ago today the kids and our friends went down in the basement when the second tornado siren began wailing.

Six months ago today I stood in the doorway to my garage and stared up the street looking for a truck.

Six months ago today the world began spinning around us and my ears popped over and over.

Six months ago today I yelled at my family to get into the storage room and sprinted down the stairs with my dog.

Six months ago today I heard our house being ripped apart as I leaned over children in our basement.

Six months ago I placed my son and nephew and aunt and uncle and father-in-law into God's hands.

Six months ago today God gave me tangible proof of what a better caretaker He is of my family than I could ever be.

So much has happened.
So much has changed.
So much I've forgotten.
So much still confuses me.

But....
So much inspires me.
Warms me.
Touches me.

Six months ago we said good-bye to a lot of different things:
...our old home
...our old neighborhood
...my short term memory
...my 8 year-old's easy going nature
...my 11 year old's ability to let US be caretakers and HIM just feel taken care of
...enjoyment of summer rainstorms
...my ability to get through a day without crying.

But six months ago we were introduced to a new way of living:
...that is based on people and not places
...where I only need LITERALLY one pair of jeans and some sneakers
...when giving one more hug and one more story truly matter more than my schedule
...when the presence of God actually feels like a blanket over my shoulders
...where ~~when~~ if I decide to have a latte and a scone with a friend instead of going for a run I actually feel I made the better choice
...that is rooted more firmly in God instead of my worldly surroundings.

Now I have certainly had quite a few experiences since May 22nd that I did not really expect to have ~~this summer~~ ~~this fall~~ t~~his lifetime~~:
We lived with my mom for a few weeks....
I personally helped bulldoze my home...
We bought two houses...
I saw the president...
We got a puppy...
I learned how to tell if clothing had insulation in it by how it felt on my arms in the first 30 seconds...
I saw Barry Manilow...

Priority shifting.
Life changing.
Faith building.
Sleep ruining.
Perspective turning.

Quite a busy six months, I'd say.

Our house was totaled partly because it had a cracked and shifted foundation.
Hmmmmm.
Rather poetic, don't you think?
I will venture to say that 6 months ago.....
more foundations shifted than just the one on our house.

My eldest son says that one thing the tornado has done for him is make him pray more.
I'll second that.

I know I felt God so so very close to me right after that storm....and definitely in those first few weeks when I ran on nothing but adrenaline and coffee.

He was so present.

I realize He's always present....but when we are blatantly open and raw and stripped of all defenses....then He can move in close.

And He did.

And He was.

Now....as I move on into a new normal....I don't always feel Him quite as closely.

Is He still around?

Ummmmm.....YES.

Absolutely.

Without a doubt.

It's just me who's let all my "life junk" get in between me and Him.

I miss it.

Now don't get me wrong....I certainly don't miss the psycho-chaotic-confusing-emotional-mindbender that those first few weeks (or can I be honest? First few months is probably more appropriate.) brought....but I miss that closeness and utter/complete dependence.

How very very lucky I was to be able to experience that without experiencing an enormous devastating loss.

And although there are so so so so so so so so so many things I can't seem to remember from these past six months....
I won't forget how it felt to have His arm around me and hear His voice in my ear.

And because of the gift I've been given....the gift of shifted priorities and changed perspectives.....I can work toward that closeness again.
I can build my firm foundation from the ground up.

Hopefully it wont take 200+ mph winds to shove me into His arms....

Live Wire....

2011-11-18T17:15:00.001-06:00

Thanks, Live Wire. This is really something.

Amazing Video

Boxes....

2011-11-14T06:23:00.001-06:00

So for the last few days everyone has been telling me (and when I say everyone I mean at least one (if not two or three) random or different people each day) that the 6 month tornado anniversary time-period is going to be really tough for people.

My mom the nurse has given me articles with all kinds of experts backing this fact up with suggestions on how to cope.

People in the grocery store line have graciously warned both me and fellow customers that its going to "really suck" for some of Joplin when the 6 month mark hits and "they" realize that their lives are still not put back together.

Electronic "change-screen billboards" around town are informing Joplin about a memorial service on
11-22-11, then following up with a "When You Need Mental Health Help" screen.

(So...6 months.
100 days.
Haven't I had a post like this before????)

Here's my observation on this.

Time goes on.

Every day things become a little easier......overall.

I say overall, because interspersed in that gradual upward emotional climb are some jagged downward peaks.

Now.

Conventional wisdom (including mental health experts, Biblical wisdom and life experience) says that with the passage of time.....hurt eases.

This is true, to some extent.

However, there is something a little different that happens when the main event involves a TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE.

You see....God created our minds and bodies in a really amazing way.

He gave us this incredible substance called adrenaline to get us through crazy experiences.

He also gave us the ability to completely block things out of our memories until our minds are able to process them.....allowing us to "compartmentalize"---or tuck certain emotions away into little internal boxes and keep them closed for an indefinite amount of time.

When a traumatic event occurs....there are too many BIG things that happen to you all at once.

You can't mentally/emotionally/physiologically handle all of these things.

So....you deal with the immediate surface issues and hide the rest of the things away.

By things I mean: visual memories, hard conversations, emotional memories, physical pain, unanswerable questions etc.

In fact, you become kind of numb....operating on a sort of auto-pilot to get through each day/hour/week.

BUT......at some point, the numbness starts to wear off.
And apparently....6 months is pretty key to this.

(And yes...I realize that "6 months" or "183ish days" are nothing but man-made numbers....but God DID give us these numbers (and hence the time frames) for some reason!)

So I was thinking about when I first came out of my house and was trying to find out if the neighbors were ok.

One of my dearest friends ~~lives~~ lived on the street behind me, and I remember as we walked that way, asking people if they had seen her family. I could see where the top of her house has been....and I knew they had been hit. But I wasn't screaming or panicking....just asking. Then someone said they had seen both her and her husband and that her family was ok. Then we went on to check on other neighbors.

So...as I was remembering this story...i had a stab of bitter cold sickening fear slice through my stomach. It literally made me gasp. My shoulder and neck muscles tightened to the point of pain......then it all went away.

I think.....that was the fear I wanted to feel that night. That was the true abject huge fear that something horrible had happened to my friend and/or her family when I saw their house.

Going to church yesterday Ethan was talking about the windstorm we'd had the night before and said how glad he was it didn't turn into a tornado.

(NO FLIPPING DOUBT BUDDY.)

Then he looked at me and said, "I am really glad I didn't die in that tornado, Mom," and started talking about the cardboard swirling past Uncle Frank's truck that night and when his head (and elbow??) were bleeding from the stupid stop sign that smashed through the back window.

Again....my stomach clenched up. Tears came. My upper body tensed to the point of spasm.....and it stopped.

Again...I think that was some of the fear I should have felt that night.

May 22nd was NOT the time to feel or deal with that fear....there were too many things to DO.

So maybe....now that some of the numbness is wearing off....and we (as a city?) are stabilizing and recreating our sense of home....God is allowing our minds to let go of some of the feelings they have been holding in all of those boxes for the last 6 months.

It's probably a good thing to open those and let the feelings and memories out.
I am reasonably sure my brain doesn't have enough storage space for all of that anyway.

As long as I (we?) remember that each and everyone of those boxes is wrapped in IMMENSE GRATEFULNESS.....

Then one-by-one God can help me empty them.....
Break the boxes down....
And get rid of them.

But...I think I'd like to save the wrapping paper.

Overwhelming....

2011-11-04T09:32:00.002-05:00

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope."
Jeremiah 29:11

You know...I've heard this verse tons of times.
People sent me this verse many times after the tornado, in fact.

But while I've always like the idea that God was on my side....
I never really sat down and THOUGHT about all this verse said.

(I really need to get back into my hobby of thinking someday....)

The other day I felt overwhelmed.
As we all do....I had lots of issues in lots of different areas of my life.

**We were trying to finalize the deal on our "forever house".
**I couldn't make things better for people I care about.
**Things don't always go smoothly with the kids in school.
**Health issues pop up and leave a "hole" in your "I will be young forever" perception.
**People in their 3rd and 4th decade of life decide to act like 3 and 4 year olds and it still ~~even though it's really irritating to admit~~ hurts my feelings.
**I have had to learn more about federal legalities than any happy housewife ever should.
**I kept experiencing the reality that when trying to follow God's instructions on dealing with earthly situations....it's still hard to wait for His judgement and see people getting away with horrible things.
**Bennett wanted pictures ("only the really graphic ones, mom") or our post-tornado house for a paper at school and I got those stupid goosebumps while printing them off.
**I was heading out of town to run a half-marathon.
**People in my life had made bad decisions (as I have certainly done at times) and they all seemed to need me at once

You know how sometimes it seems like
EVERYTHING
hits at once?

Ka-boom.
I got whacked.

Think about it though....

Some days we have so many "things" pulling us down in our lives.

Seems like there are really too many people/things/commitments to take care of.

They are draining us....and we wonder how exactly we are supposed to have the energy to deal with them all.

We wonder if maybe we should cut some of these people or things OUT of our lives because it's just TOO MUCH.

We can't do it all.
We can't be the one that everyone turns to...that everyone needs....it's TOO MUCH.
Who is there to be "our one"?

God.

He will lift us up and support us.
That support will enable us to support others.....but He is NOT doing it just for that.
He's doing it because He loves you.
He wants to take care of you.
He wants to give you peace, hope, and He has said He has plans for you.

In other words....
He's the one who's going to hug you.
Let you rest your head on His shoulder and stroke your hair...
Smile at you...
Let you know that YOU matter because YOU ARE YOU.
He loves YOU.
He wants to give YOU peace.
He wants to give YOU hope.

Yes....we have responsibilities to other people and things....and God expects us to fulfill them.
But in the meantime?

He's looking out for YOU.

And me.

And that's just plain good.

(Check out THIS SONG.....
and grab a kleenex.)

Grrrrr.....

2011-10-31T22:46:00.002-05:00

It's getting chilly around here.

I got out Carolyn's cute little brown leather coat.

It had been in the coat closet at our old house....which I remember being relatively unaffected by damage.

It has since been hanging in our coat closet at the new house after being examined and declared "fine".

It has white crusty mold all over it.

ALL over it.

Stupid tornado.

EHM is in the House!

2011-10-19T20:56:00.001-05:00

Extreme Home Makeover has come to Joplin!!!

I love this show.

I have ALWAYS loved this show.

RH thinks it's ridiculous....but I love love love it.

Cry every time, in fact.

Usually.....one person can't give one family a home.

But....when one person plus one person plus one person plus a few more one persons get together....

Man.

It's awesome.

And these families have been through so much.....

I am volunteering for a couple different days and will post about them later.

But for now.....
Joplin Home Makeover

Check it out.

Jumping the Hurdles....

2011-10-16T22:04:00.001-05:00

So last week my baby boy turned 8.

Wow.

Sometimes days seem to drag on ~~and on and on and on and on~~....
But isn't it amazing how overall, time truly does fly by?

Saturday after Cougar Carnival I cooked and shredded a ton of chicken and baked Ethan's requested pound cake.

Then we had his friend party at Lazer Force and had the blessing (blessing because it was NOT at my house!) of watching 19 little boys run WILD for a few hours.

Total chaotic bliss.

Then we brought 4 of those boys home with us, picked up two little girls and partied hard 'till the ripe 'ol time of 11:15 when we all soundly and completely passed out.

Which was fine, until 6 little precious sets of feet came tip tip tapping down the stairs at 6:12.

But you can't beat your son's big beautiful dimpled smile when he sees you at the bottom of the stairs as he and his 3 buddies (all wearing only RH's shirts and underwear because they are sooooooo cool and big) sneak down and he yells:

"MOM! I AM EIGHT! RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND! RIGHT NOW! I AM EIGHT!!!!!"

What an amazing age.
What an amazing kid.

All 6 of the kids happily got dressed and ate healthy Boo Berry cereal for breakfast and we headed for church.

Serious picture perfect morning.

But for some reason I was antsy.

I couldn't figure out why....maybe just tiredness from the long weekend?

After church the other kids headed out and RH took our 3 to Duck Camp for a bit so I could finish getting ready for the family party (15 people) that night.

I made Crunchy Chicken Casserole.
I marinated the asparagus.
I toasted the toppings for an Oriental salad.
I cleaned ~~areas of my house where the guests might go and shoved all the dirty stuff in random closets where no one would ever think of looking~~ all of my house thoroughly.
I found candles and put them near the cake.

Then I started to set out a stack of plates for the dinner that night.
Then it hit me.

On May 22 I had been doing the same thing.

I had made Bennett some Crunchy Chicken Casserole.
I had marinated asparagus.
I had made Oriental salad.
I had cleaned the house.
I had strategically placed birthday candles.

And I remember the picture of the kitchen that night....

The wooden bowl of Oriental salad.
The full wine glass sitting undamaged and unspilled.
The missing ceiling.
And the stack of plates...mostly unbroken, with the top one strangely flipped upside-down on top of the others.

And the truth?
I consciously did NOT set out a stack of plates for the dinner that night.

I let people simply get them out of the cupboard when they needed them.

And that worked just fine.

Silly little things.
Silly little pointless memories.
Silly pointless things that make my stomach knot up and volcano-sized goosebumps break out all over my arms.

Did Ethan and his Aunt have a good family birthday dinner?

Yes. I think so.

Was I really really glad to have it over with?

Yes. I was.

I have the feeling that there may be many of these unforeseen silly mental hurdles in the future.

But I think it isn't just my future...it's this city's future.

Just like after any life-altering event....we have to do things for the "first time".....again.

And these "firsts" are both triumphant.....
and heart-wrenching.

First Joplin Football game?
Triumphant.

First Halloween without certain family members?
Heart-wrenching.

In the grand scheme of life....a birthday dinner isn't all that victorious (although I am quite proud of myself for having the mental fortitude to remember birthday candles!) or heart breaking.

But it was a small couldn't-have-known-that-was-going-to-happen "first".

And while I don't want to obsess about the tornado....I have to say this:

I am VERY thankful for my kids.
I thank God daily for them.
On their birthdays I like to take time to especially thank God for all the things that they have brought into my life.

And this year....with the not-so-distant-memory of how I'd felt when I thought perhaps I'd lost my youngest son .....
Coupled with the unsettling deja-vu of recreating the afternoon of May 22nd....

Well....
my thankfulness was truly...
truly...
truly beyond all words.

And that is both heart-wrenching.....AND triumphant.

Happy Birthday, Little E.
I love you.

Wow...

2011-10-16T21:19:00.001-05:00

Wow. This had me smiling and crying. Actually had to put my tea down for fear of spilling.
Sweet little Emma Cox shown in this video lived in my neighborhood....
so strange to see her house like that.

Watch the video.
Trust me.
It's worth your time.

Joplin Strong

Affected,,,,

2011-10-02T22:30:00.002-05:00

Tonight Bennett told me "His Story."

4 1/2 months after it happened he spontaneously spoke about it.

After I've asked him time after time after time after time
if he wanted to talk about it....
if he would talk about it....
if he could talk about it.....

After he's told me time after time after time after time
NO!!!!

He finally talked.

I asked him if I could write it down, and he said that I could....but he didn't want to have to speak about it again so I'd have to do it from memory.

I will ask him if I can share it on the blog.....and hopefully he will let me.

Until then....I will simply tell you that he remembers a lot of things that I do NOT recall...and that again, my stomach churned, my eyes teared up, and i had monstrous goose bumps all over my body while I listened to his account of May 22nd.

We were driving home from the Young Life "non-banquet" and had to go down the entire stretch of Main Street.

You simply cannot drive from the South to the North end of town without passing through the DZ.

Somehow....be it fate, God's provision, or simple unconscious avoidance I have been able to NOT go through the DZ at night very much at all.

In fact, this was only the 2nd time I'd done it....and I CERTAINLY hadn't done it with the kids.

We drove past Auto Zone, and Carolyn was reading the letters and asked Ethan what it spelled.

The 'T' was gone in the sign, so Ethan wasn't really sure what 'ATO" spelled and asked me.

I explained the missing letter mystery, and Carolyn asked where the 'T' had gone.

This store sits on the edge of the DZ, so I replied that the tornado had probably knocked it down.

As is so often the case, the simple mention of the tornado changes the atmosphere in the car....especially as we drove into the eerily darkened area of Main St.

It was only 7:40ish, so you could still see outlines of busted buildings and empty spaces (and I realize that empty spaces don't officially HAVE outlines but you really do know somehow that the spaces are THERE and maybe it's just a felling of the lack of ANYTHING being there when there SHOULD be something there??) and an occasional random flashing yellow light.

I guess that everything combined got my kids in a talking kind of mood.

As we drove I asked Ethan if he remembered being in the car with his uncle.
He said he did.
I asked him what he remembered seeing, and he said, "Things flying by the car....like cardboard and other stuff I didn't know what it was."
I asked him if he remembered pulling up into some guy's front porch to take shelter, and he said, "No."

Bennett turned around to look at him, and began quizzing him on WHY he didn't remember a fact that he had not only TOLD us about but had SHOWN us which house it was.

I gave Bennett one of those copyrighted "Mom-looks" (later to explain to him that sometimes God lets us forget things that are too hard or painful for our minds to remember and to let Ethan remember what he wants to right now....hope that was the right thing!) and asked Ethan what he DID remember.

Ethan told us something we hadn't heard before.
He said that they were driving to our neighborhood and he and his cousin had their heads on the seat like their uncle had told them ("Put your heads down and take a rest boys, just take a rest...") when the car stopped.
A man was standing (according to Ethan) on TOP of his wrecked smashed-up car, and their uncle stopped his truck and asked him if he was hurt or needed help.
The man replied no, that he was just trying to call someone on his phone, and so their uncle continued driving toward our home.

(Later in the evening Ethan told us that when Uncle Frank's truck "Made it to my house I was scared when I saw the house because I thought that the people who were in it were maybe dead." "You thought WE were dead?"--asked Barrett, and Ethan nodded....)

I said to Ethan, "That must have been so scary for you."
He said yes, and then I asked Bennett if HE had been scared that night.
He said he was scared about Ethan and Wyatt and his aunt and uncle.
I said I had been scared about them too, but then asked him if he had been scared for HIMSELF when we were in our basement.

He thought for a moment and said, "Well, when I heard all of the (insert appropriate sound effects here that mean crashing and banging) noise I was pretty scared that the house would fall in on us."

Then he turned to me and said, "Do you want to hear MY STORY?"

And I kept looking forward, slowed down, and said, "Yes."

4 1/2 months.
That's a long time to go without talking.

He's ok.
We're all ok.

But we've been affected.....so are we affected?

Geeze.

My dad and step mom came last week for a visit, and my dad told me that every single one of my friends and acquaintances he spoke with had PTSD.

He's probably right, you know.

This whole down does, to some degree or another.

Maybe you talk about the tornado INCESSANTLY.
Maybe you continuously call yourself a victim and look for free help.
Maybe you've been "relocated" and are trying to find that lost sense of home.
Maybe you refuse to speak about it because it was just a storm and it's over now.
Maybe you cry at random things during the day.
Maybe you never cry during the day but keep waking up with a wet pillow.
Maybe you get annoyed at people who "just can't shut up and be over it."
Maybe you still live in a tent (and these people are out there).
Maybe you are rebuilding and praying it will bring you a sense of closure.
Maybe you are finally getting used to going to the "other" Walmart.
Maybe you keep making the turns that lead to your old house instead of your new one.
Maybe you question whether your lack of memory and organization can still be blamed on the tornado or whether you have an actually biological issue.
Maybe you are totally fine until someone asks you if you're fine and you get angry because you are SO fine.
Maybe you have a lot of migraines.

Maybe more than one of these apply to you.
Maybe there is something more you could add to this list.

All I'm saying is.....4 1/2 months.

Life is going on....the blessings are flowing and MY gratefulness truly knows no bounds.....

But 4 1/2 months ago something happened.
And it did affect us.

Rabbit Holes

2011-09-20T23:17:00.000-05:00

Busy.

This was a very busy few weeks.

You know those times when you are stretched in LITERALLY 8 or 9 different directions? And each of those directions are important enough that you truly canNOT ignore them?

Yeah.

So....some of those "pathways" I was traveling came to happy destinations.

Some seem to be leading to strange rabbit holes that I am deciding if I should follow.

More of them are ongoing....

And others are just part of life.

This weekend my friend missed her flight because she thought her arrival time was her departure time.

Then...she realized she had not yet made the flight reservations she needed for the following weekend....even though she was SURE she had done it months earlier.

Another friend went back to the cleared-off lot where her house had stood to gather a few ~~splinters~~ pieces of her home for a project.

She found one of the favorite outfits her son had worn as an infant half-buried under dead weeds and told me she remembered why she had stopped going back there.

Ethan's hermit crab was crawling UP the walls of his cage. He was having a serious crab party. This was possibly the 2nd time ever we have actually SEEN this crab in the year we've had it....he is honestly the most un-interactive doofus pet we have ever owned. When I pointed it out to Ethan he started laughing and asked me what the crab was doing. I replied that that I thought maybe the crab was just happy...and then totally flashed-back to grabbing the cage and crab food that night when we were fleeing the house and started crying because I was so happy that the stupid crab was happy (and I don't even know if Spider-Crab actuallyWAS happy).

I ran into a Wal-Mart employee I have gotten to know over the years. I knew he had been "displaced" (which is the new PC way of saying your house was smashed on May 22nd and you are currently living somewhere you had probably never planned on being) so I asked him how he was currently doing.

He told me his brother --who had refused to leave his mold infested half-smashed house due to fear of looters --- had passed away last weekend. Apparently the doctors said it was due to the large amount of mold he had been breathing over the past 3 1/2 months.

I went to a Dr. appointment and the tech ---while I was ~~trapped~~ cooperating nicely on the table -- told me how he and his entire extended family rode out the storm in a restaurant just north of the DZ* and upon exiting saw mass amounts of emergency vehicles rushing southward so he knew something bad had happened.

I went back to the warehouse and hauled the very last load of salvaged stuff (that's not holiday decorations because there is no where to put them in this new home).

The "load" consisted mainly of extra lightbulbs and batteries from a drawer in the laundry room and loads of nails/screws/washers/anchors that somehow remained rust-less.

There was also an under-bed Tupperware box of wrapping paper.

Bonus.

In the bottom of a really pretty drawer ~~that made me remember how much I had loved my old-newly remodeled kitchen~~ I found a little lamp.

It's just one of those "accent" lamps that stays on all of the time.

It had been in the white shelves next to the bay window that blew across the house....and I had NO idea how it had ended up in the tool-drawer.

We salvaged THREE lamps from my old house: Carolyn's beside lamp and the two bedside lamps from the basement guest room.

Since there was still an unbroken lightbulb I wiped off some of the drywall and plugged it in.

It worked.

????????????????

And I cried again.

I guess I may be traveling on this particular pathway for quite a while.

*DZ= Disaster Zone

Random Memories III

2011-09-06T14:35:00.000-05:00

We're moving on.
Things are changing.

But every so often....

there's a certain sound....
there's a certain smell....
somebody asks "do you remember when...."
I do some silly little every day thing .....
a kid asks where one of their "lost" things are...
something gets rebuilt...
I have a dream.....
we pull into the driveway of our old home and feel that specific "bump"....
a tuft of insulation (or glass or dry crispy leaves) falls out of a "not-yet-worn PT" piece of clothing...

And a memory comes back.

I don't want to forget these things.

I want to move past them.....
But I don't want to forget them.

Some of you may think I'm ~~crazy morbid sadistic mart-ish attention-seeking~~ a little nuts....
but too many people have lost too much to lose these memories too.

Besides....it's my blog and my prerogative.

***************
I remember when 2nd St was closed from Main to Murphy because FEMA had set up its' headquarters there. All you could see where huge antennae from satellite trucks and tons of trailers. So surreal.

***************
I remember standing in line for over an hour at the only post office left to get my mail from the 2 weeks PT. Everyone was so nice and polite. There was a police officer --fully armed--handing out water and post-it notes to write our names on. It was hot and everyone felt the need to share their "story" in the echoing area of PO boxes. When I finally got my name called I received a huge armload of nothing but catalogs.

****************
Our luggage had been lost the way home from our trip. On Wednesday (or Thursday? I remember it was actually sunny.....) as we were trying to get our belongings out of the old house a random car pulled up in the driveway. A older man got out and just kind of stared at us...then went to the trunk of his sedan and pulled out one of our suitcases. "I have your luggage here....do you have your claim tickets?"
I just stared back at HIM, and then pointed in the direction of where my kitchen USED to be.
"They might be in there," I answered, "Or 17 miles east of here."
"Oh," he said slowly. "I think that will be ok."
And he got back in his car, and drove away.
*******************
Late Sunday night after we got to my sister-in-law's house my best friend from Atlanta called me on the land line. I took the phone outside and couldn't hear her because the sound of the helicopters going over and the sirens wailing were too loud. I went back inside to talk. She says that I just kept repeating, "It didn't sound like a train. I didn't believe it because it just didn't sound like a train."
**********************

Tuesday morning at 5ish RH called me at my mom's. He said his cousin (who's a realtor) had just told him that FEMA had called to get a list of all the vacant properties in Joplin and that I HAD TO GO LOOK AT HOUSES THAT MORNING AT 8. Then at 7 my father-in-law called and said he'd gone with the realtor to look at the few available houses and narrowed it down to 2 of them and I had to go ASAP. I got the kids out of bed and we showed up....with the dog (who is HUGE) and me in the same clothes I'd worn since the tornado. The kids and the dog on her leash and I (and another adult....but I just can't remember who....) went through the two houses in about 10 to 15 minutes each. One needed work, the other didn't. We chose the latter, and got it that next week. I couldn't even remember what the inside of it looked like...
***********************

For a while we weren't able to go into the DZ (disaster zone) without a permit. To get the permit you had to wait in a 2 hour line and show your ID that said you had business in there. The permit thing lasted almost 12 hours....and wasted alot of people's mornings.
************************
I got a text from my friend Kerry saying that the K9 unit was in her backyard "sniffing" her pool for fatalities. Praise God they found none there.
***********************
People kept showing up at our doorstep with amazing gifts. We got bottled water 2 or 3 times an hour. Some people brought moving boxes, some brought trash bags, some brought pizza, some brought bratwurst. Some people offered us their storage units, and some offered us coats. A group of people from a church asked if we wanted our trees moved, and then 13 men with heavy moving equipment chainsawed the trees and pulled out the stumps and sawed off branches and made a beautiful ugly neat pile by our curb. Then they disappeared down the road.
***********************

We had a curfew and a boil order. Then some wonderful people at Starbucks stayed up all night boiling billions of gallons of water and my sister in law heard about it and drove up there but (because of the lack of cell towers) they couldn't take her credit card so they just gave her a whole bunch of lattes for free. That was the very best coffee I'd ever had in my entire life.

***********************
I was standing in my driveway looking through where there used to be a wall into my kitchen area where my "cookbook cupboard" was still intact. A police car pulled up with 2 cops from Kansas City who were assigned to patrol our neighborhood. I explained that I was trying to determine if those possibly sopping wet cookbooks were worth going back in to retrieve. The 2 men found 2 big plastic flowerpots and marched into the remnants of my kitchen and filled them with (pretty darn wet) books. They they went down into the basement and brought up the last load of stuff I had piled there and put that into my car too. Then they thanked me for letting them help. Then they drove off.
************************

My friend Louise came over to help me get serial numbers off of some damaged things in our basement. It started to rain pretty hard, so we made the extremely intelligent decision that we should get out of the leaky falling apart basement and house. We climbed into the back of my car and sat, with the hatchback open, watching the hail and lightning and rain and shared a big back of Krunchers potato chips we'd found unopened in the kitchen. I remember telling her that it was the most relaxed I'd been since the storm.
************************

Our friends who lived just down the road had come over to (as she put it) "Escape their disaster for a minute by looking at ours." We were in the basement and Catherine had to take a phone call. Jason and I were talking and heard a loud noise to our left. We looked over and watched all of the paint and drywall crash down onto the bar. Then we looked at each other and simply continued our conversation.
*********************
Bennett got strep throat that week. He had to lay in my mom's living room with my step mom (who was also sick) and watch movies all day. Luckily my father had one prescription sheet left from Atlanta and I was able to get an antibiotic.
**********************

My friend Brandie, who packed up both of our kitchen areas, informed me that I was the owner of 7 springform pans. Who knew? I owe her a cheesecake. Or 7.
*********************

Eat More Chicken!

2011-09-01T22:12:00.001-05:00

So....this evening I walked into Chick-Fil-A and cried.

Not a normal thing.

I know.

(I may have issues....I know that too.)

Today Chick-Fil-A opened its' new store.

It was completely smashed in the tornado, you see. Luckily it was a Sunday evening, so nobody was there during the storm.

But...it was smashed none-the-less, and then bulldozed, and then the lot was cleared, and then it was rebuilt from the dirt ground up.

Now don't get me wrong.
I like Chick-Fil-A.
I like it a lot.
My kids (and RH) like it a lot too.
We have spent MUCH time at Chick-Fil-A in the past.
~~We eat the yellow Chick-Fil-A sauce with a straw.~~

But do I have an emotional attachment to
Chick-Fil-A?

Ummmm........no.
Not really.

But....when I walked into the store tonight with Carolyn and Ethan....
and they ran through the huge crowd to the inside play-area....
and I looked around the restaurant....

well....

It was unbelievable.
Totally unbelievable.

It was EXACTLY THE SAME.

Same tables,
same booths,
same counter,
same registers,
same play area,
same condiment counter,
same roses outside,
same gi-normous cow walking around,
same faces behind the counter saying, "My pleasure!"

It was like nothing had changed....
nothing had happened.

I ordered ~~an obscene amount of nugget~~s dinner for the family and made eye contact with the manager.

He smiled in recognition and I asked him how it felt to be back in the new/old/new store.

"You know," he answered, "It feels like we never left....like nothing ever happened."

I knew.
I know.

So....as I asked for 10 packages of the Chick-Fil-A sauce, I admit...I got pretty teary-eyed.
Part of the "old life" had returned.
It was like someone had pressed "Play" on a paused movie-life....and it had just started where it had left off.

Weird.
But good.
Really really really good.

And you know what?
I counted LITERALLY 17 people in red Chick-Fil-A shirts behind the counter....
and that doesn't include all of the cooks in the back
OR the people outside personally taking drive-thru orders
OR the cow
OR the cow's handler.

Chick-Fil-A had COMPLETELY prepared for the huge number of people that were going to come into their restaurant on opening day and try and order some nuggets, waffle fries and a slice of "life as we remember it."

Hooray for Chick-Fil-A.
What an awesome gift.

And hooray for happy tears.
Just adds a little salt to the fries.

Some Days are Diamonds....

2011-08-30T22:05:00.000-05:00

100 days.

That's the story.

Apparently it's been 100 days today since that 'ol EF-5 came a-visitin'.

Hmmmmmph.

So....what does that mean?

I don't know for sure.....lots of things, I guess.

Maybe it means that things should all be fine by now because that's a long long time.

Maybe it means that we should be beyond impressed with all that's been done because that's a really short time.

Maybe it means I should blame my continued memory issues on "advanced age" instead of "tornado brain" because it's been a long time.

Maybe it means I shouldn't be frustrated at seeing tornado-fied cars still sitting in trashed parking lots because it's really a relatively short time.

Maybe.
Maybe.

Truly though....I am amazed at all this city has done in 100 days.
It doesn't really seem possible.

Cleared over 80% of the debris?
Opened schools?
Rebuilt businesses that were FLATTENED and now are open?
Brought in almost 300 trailers and installed them into neat rows and filled them with families?

That is seriously impressive.

But really...100 days isn't that super long of a time.

It's hard for ME to believe that 101 days ago I was leaving a beautiful tropical island after celebrating my 15th anniversary with RH...and we were so ready to be home with our kids.

It's hard for ME to believe that 101 days ago I came home to my HOME and kvetched about my lost luggage.

Its hard for ME to believe that 100 days ago I said good-bye to my folks as they began their drive back to Atlanta and bustled about getting my house "party-ready" and made homemade vanilla buttercream icing for Bennett's 11th birthday party.

It's so surreal for me to believe that it was only 100 days ago (or was it 1 day? or 100000000 days? ) that I crouched over my almost 11 year old and several other kids as our house came crashing down over us and tried not to think of the fact that my 7 year old son and nephew were on the street nearby.

It's a short time.
It's a long time.

Some days are good....and some not so much.

On Saturday Bennett had his first football scrimmage of the year.
Carolyn and my niece had their 10am nachos (the breakfast of champions) while Ethan and his cousins enjoyed Mt Dew (the breakfast of champions on speed) while we watched the team play.
Bennett scored twice and sacked the quarterback, and people I didn't even know were cheering for him.

It was good.
It was a good good feeling.
Not just the pride (although I gotta admit...there was just a little bit of that!), but the camaraderie. The fellowship. The togetherness. I LOVE feeling that in Joplin....and it's so STRONG here lately.

This same weekend I went out to dinner with a friend and our kids.
She described to me how they had sat on her front porch on May 22nd and actually watched the black cloud come together and touch the ground before they ran into their basement.

I started shaking.
Goosebumps covered my body and I started shaking so hard I had to put down my drink and hide my hands.
I felt a honest-to-goodness ~~boulder~~ lump in my stomach and had to focus on not throwing up.

Then we went and had frozen yogurt and laughed with 4 little girls.
Then the Kansas City Chiefs dedicated their game to Joplin and invite our boys to come down to the field while they prayed and I cried.
Then I watched my kids play tag with our dogs in our new backyard and I smiled and felt truly joyful.
Then I looked at our transplanted tree house that my dad and step mom built ~~that was in between 2 totaled brick houses yet didn't lose ONE shingle~~ with insulation all over the sides and had to focus on not throwing up again as I wiped my tears away before my kids saw me.

Good.
Bad.
Joyful.
Sickened.

100 days.
I don't know that it's going to be all that different from 102 days. Or from 127 days.

Time just passes....and eventually I think that the "rawness" gets more and more blunted.
I suppose that "good and joyful" fill more of your brain synapses then the yucky parts.

I suppose that ~~maybe possibly~~ God had it right when he said that every emotion has it's season.

We---I mean I----just have to make darn sure that NONE of those "not so happy-happy" feelings ever overshadow my gratefulness.

So far they don't....because even when I find myself
crying in the shower or
crying when I see all the kids come running out of school or
crying when my ~~stupid stupid~~ ponytail holder snaps or
crying when someone asks me "how are you?" in a certain tone or
crying when I can't say NO to Ethan's "just one more hug?" for the 5th time or
crying when a random memory comes back to me from that night.....

I am still
SO
PROFOUNDLY
IMMENSELY
Grateful.

It's just going to be a weird annoying kind of roller coaster where you can't get off even when you feel like you've gotten your ticket's worth.

Know what I mean?

I've been working on a sort of slide show.
I wish I were more tech-savvy and could post a link with beautiful music and automatically playing pictures....
but I SOOOOO can't.

So if you're bored (because it's ~~really~~ a little long)...
Click HERE for the music first,
Then click HERE for the pictures.
Click on "view pictures", then click on "play slide show".

I think I do these things because I don't
EVER
EVER
want to forget what God brought us through.

I want to remember how deeply convicted I felt when I realized how He had laid out a path for us....
And I want it to stay as real to me in my joyous times as it was in my overwhelmed times.

I can't really say that I want to start the all-over-body shaking thing every time I remember....

But I am sure that too shall pass in time.

No words....

2011-08-23T09:17:00.003-05:00

Taken from just west of Joplin on May 22nd, 2011.

(Thanks, Terla.)

Guilt....

2011-08-22T07:25:00.002-05:00

I know guilt.

Believe me....it is something I am WELL versed in.

Coming from a Jewish-Catholic background I have had experience in every possible nuance of the emotion.

RH and the kids might even say that I have maybe occasionally used guilt to "help" them get things done around the house.....but I don't know if I'd go THAT far.

There are many different kinds of guilt:

There's guilt because you knew something was wrong and did it anyway.
There's guilt because you have inadvertently hurt someone.
There's guilt because you have purposefully hurt someone.
There's guilt because you can't do what someone else wants or needs you to do.
There's guilt because you don't do what YOU want yourself to do.
There's guilt because you didn't follow God's rules.
There's guilt because you don't feel guilty and you think you should.

I am sure there are many other types to add to this list....but I am going to finish with the one that is most on my mind right now:

There's guilt because you have something that someone else doesn't have.

This "something" could be:
a home
a car
a loved one
your life.

Survivor's guilt, I believe it's called.

A few weeks ~~or days? who knows during that very blurry period of time~~ PT a friend of mine told me that her pastor spoke to them about this.

He said something like (and I paraphrase the best I can here):

"Right now everyone feels guilty. Some people feel guilty because they were completely personally unaffected by the tornado. Other's feel guilty because they only lost their car. Other's feel guilty because they only lost their workplace; or home; or possessions. Some people feel guilt because they didn't loose a loved one--while other's feel guilt because they are the only survivor in their family.
Right now everyone feels some degree of guilt...and guilt is one of Satan's most powerful tools."

Hmmmmm.

I'd say that's pretty accurate.

I know that I feel guilt every time I stoop low enough to complain about something in my ~~loud terrarium-like~~ solid air conditioned new home.

I know that I feel guilt every time I thank God for saving my children that night.

I know I feel guilt going out to a nice dinner with friends and NOT talking about the tornado.

I know that I feel guilt when we drive past the FEMA trailers and see the ice cream truck circling around the many sets of wooden stairs and my kids yell, "Not fair! Why can't the ice cream truck come to our house?!"

I know.
It's a dumb and not healthy emotion and I would counsel ANY of my friends to let it go.....

But it's there.

Survivor's guilt has been around for a long time.

In Luke 13 (1-5 if you're interested) my pastor pointed out some things that hadn't been evident to me before his lesson.

(Now....I'm going to super-paraphrase this again....so please go look at it in your own bible if you want the accurate reading.)

Some people were talking to Jesus and asked Him about these guys from Galilee who had been killed. Apparently these Galileans had gone to make their sacrifices at the temple (as they were supposed to do) and one of the bigwig judges then had them randomly killed right then and there.

Why just those poor guys?

So Jesus says, "Do you think the guys who were killed were bad people? Do you think they deserved to die in a man-made tragedy? How about the 18 people who were killed by some random tower in Siloam that randomly fell on them. Do you think they deserved to die in that natural tragedy?"

The people speaking to Jesus were not only asking:
"Why did they have to die?"
They were also asking:
"Why did I live?"

And you know what Jesus' answer was?
He didn't give an answer to the "why".
He said that NO....those who died were not any worse sinners than those who lived....but...
He didn't give an answer to the "why".

Because....
The WHY doesn't matter.

Jesus's follow up and conclusion to the questions was:
"Turn you life around and come to Me....or you will "die" too."

Things happen.
Life happens.
We can feel bad that the bad things didn't happen to us....
Or we can use it as a chance to do what really matters.

I have another ~~groan moan not another one please~~ analogy.

I heard a news story this weekend about a guy who was sky diving and his parachute didn't open ~~which is a bad thing and which is why I choose to to jump out of airplanes~~.

He landed in a 14 foot blackberry bush and lived.

That's good.

Now think of this.

Have you ever reached into a blackberry bush?

There are LOTS of really hard thorns.

You can't get your fingers out unscathed....it's impossible.

Imagine extracting your ENTIRE body from a massive bush.

Imagine the thousands of thorns ripping through various tender parts of your flesh as your pulled out from the middle of the bushes.

Ouch.

Would you be thankful for the bushes...thorns and all?

Ummm......heck yes.

Would you still have small bloody tears all over your body that really in fact did actually hurt?

Ummmm.....yes.

Would you change the fact that you had landed in the bush instead of the hard unforgiving ground?

Ummm......no.

Feeling guilty about having something or surviving something DOESN'T MEAN you don't feel grateful.

It just means that you are admitting that those little tears in your flesh/soul....really do hurt, as insignificant as they may be in the grand scheme of life.

What we.....what I need to work on is this:

To stop asking "why?" and focus on the "what now?".

It will happen.
For all of us.

Guilt has a problem with making me feel unworthy.

But I have to remember:
I am no more worthy than anyone else....
but I am also no more unworthy than anyone else.

Things happen.

I have to not question....but simply accept.

And I have to let go of my guilt for feeling guilty.

But I suspect that my Jewish and Catholic grandmothers would roll over in their graves if I didn't feel some guilt on a daily basis.

Maybe I'll save that guilt for the fact that I ate peach cobbler for breakfast.

This Summer

2011-08-16T08:25:00.001-05:00

My father-in-law is calling this "The Summer That Wasn't."

Pretty poetic and insightful of my father-in-law.

School starts tomorrow.

We are headed back to the pool today (and we went yesterday too) to try and eke out the last dregs of summertime essence.

It seems crazily unbelievable that summertime--with all of its' plans and promises and sun-filled days--could have already come and gone.

I DID have lots of plans for this summer.
I was going to buy a desk for Ethan so he could learn to organize his school stuff.
I was going to go on a special birthday trip with my sister.
I was taking the kids to Georgia to visit my new niece.
Ethan was going to learn multiplication.
Carolyn was going to work on reading.
Bennett wanted to learn more math (who's kid IS he?).
We were going to build a new deck and patio for the backyard.
The kids ~~and not me for real this time~~ were going to take care of vegetable garden.
I was going to run the night-time races in Joplin.
We were going to have our annual firefly night.....

Huh.

Most summer-ends I look back over my "list" and realize that we have only accomplished about half of the things on it.

This year.....pretty much nothing.

Most summer-ends I wish fervently for just one more week.

This year....I am torn.

While I wish we had more of a summer....
I suspect that even if there were 5 more weeks it still wouldn't really be "summer".
Maybe if we just hurry up and start the school year now....then we will just get closer to a "do-over" for next year's summer.

On the other hand...
I suppose we (we as a family, friend circle, community town and country) accomplished lots of things this summer that were ~~nowhere in the universal vicinity of~~ not on my "list":

--We learned to believe in tornado sirens
--I completely rearranged my priority list in life
--I learned exactly what should go into an emergency kit
--We discovered that an EF-5 does a much more thorough job of remodeling our back yard/deck than we ever could
--I WAY upped my dependence on God
--We tried to figure out the difference between "victim" and "survivor"
--RH and I helped bulldoze our own house
--We got a new house
--I learned that one hour in a mold-filled warehouse will yield one full day of coughing
--I discovered that I HATE excel spreadsheets
--We confirmed that a little Shake's frozen custard really CAN help most situations
--I realized that wearing makeup to church is pointless because I'm just going to cry it off anyway
--We learned that the strength of our town is unbelievable
--We found out just how amazing and loving our friends (and strangers) really are

Many more things could go on this list.
I may add them later.
I may not.

So we did have a "summer".
Not a normal one so much. (understatement of a lifetime?)

I took the kids to Shake's this week (is that a recurrent theme in my life or what?).
We sat outside to enjoy our treat.

It stunk.
Literally.
To the right is a smashed up untouched strip mall with nasty tornado puke all over.
To the left is the new Wallmart construction with the old Walmart remnants drifting over the parking lot.
Straight ahead is the moldy ruins of another strip mall.

Yeah....I know I could point out the analogy of finding beauty ~~and creamy decadent 40,000 calorie heaven~~ in the midst of ugliness....but to be honest? I don't want to. It was just sad.

Last night I drove down Main Street and was again sickeningly surprised by the block-after-block darkness separated by green and red glowing traffic lights.

I went to Carolyn's open house at her school and (although I've been to that school twice a week all summer and driven down the road even more than that) had to swallow really hard when I looked south and saw--not the neighborhood where I used to run and many of my friends lived....but gently rolling dirty hills.

So....what's the point of all of this?

Not too sure.

I guess that....with all of the talk about "new starts" and "fresh beginnings" for our town this school year (which I DO believe in and am amazed at all the work that's been accomplished to get the schools ready!) .....
Maybe I expected a feeling of closure on summer?
Maybe I thought that the "normal" would come back?
Or that there might be a "new normal" feeling?

But...it just feels like more changes.
More flux.

Change isn't always bad, you know.
It grows you.
It grows me.

Growth is good.

So maybe it's not the "summer that wasn't".
Maybe it's the "summer that wasn't what we expected".

You know how sometimes (oftentimes) after a "mixed" experience (for example....Disney World. Fun times but hour long lines with cranky kids) only the good things are remembered (kids have NO recollection of the lines....just the fun)?

Maybe this summer....eventually.....can be like that?

I know we won't forget everything that happened on and after May 22nd....but maybe we will remember the good points of the summer too.

--We went to Oceans of Fun
--Ethan learned to dive and do a flip
--Bennett got to do a class III rapid in Colorado
--We did a family hike with SEVENTEEN of us up a beautiful mountain in Vail
--Carolyn figured out how to put her own hair in a ponytail

There WERE good things.
There WERE points of brightness amidst the blur of debris filled days.

So maybe one day.....one far far far away day....we can look back on the summer of 2011 as a
priority-shifting-really-hot-looking-toward-the-happy-things-very-grateful summer.

With lots of Shake's.

What If....

2011-08-12T09:48:00.002-05:00

Last night there was a big event in our town called "I Am Joplin."

It was a massive outdoor "party", who's main reason-for-being (as I understand it) was to let students and school faculty/teachers reconnect with each other before school starts next week.

The weather held out...there were tons of games and activities....hundreds of people came to enjoy each other....and from what I understand it was a big success.

I think it was a GREAT idea.

Toward the end of the evening they showed a memorial video dedicated to those with links to the Joplin school system who had lost their lives during the tornado.

It was followed by a moment of silence.

A friend of mine posted the video on facebook last night.

Now mind you....yesterday was a busy busy day.
We are still in "recovery from t~~rip~~ vacation" mode....
We (we being kids and I...which....as cute as they are....the fact that they're involved in "helping" makes whatever they are "helping" with become 2-3 times more difficult!) ran some errands and met up with Dave for some deliveries...
We took 2 friends to the mall for lunch and to see Smurfs ~~(la la la la la la)~~....
We sat outside and ate frozen custard (as a ~~bribe~~ reward for getting 5 kids in and out of Hobby Lobby without breaking ~~too much~~ anything)...
We made/ate dinner went to football practice did a long walk with dog which ended up in in-laws pool where we chatted until after 9....

Hence...it was a busy day.
A fine day...but I was tired by the end of it.

So.....enter the video.

There were beautiful pictures of precious faces that are no longer on this earth.

There was a third grader.....
There was a seventh grader.....
There was a college student and a newly graduated high schooler....
There was a school secretary and a preschool student....

The music was beautiful.
The lyrics were perfect.
And at the end....when the written request came across the screen to "Please stand in memory of"...

I stood.
In the middle of my kitchen.
And I cried.

Let me correct that.....
I sobbed.

You know the cry where it actually physically hurts your chest?

I surely know that those people in the video are all ok now.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are dancing and laughing and singing.

But wow....even knowing that.....it's hard to be left behind and try to keep living with the person-shaped-hole that is is left in your life.

And I didn't even KNOW these people.

I truly can't imagine......don't know if I WANT to imagine....how the parents of those kids feel.

Because here's the thing.
At the same time my heart was breaking for all of the families of the people in that video...

I found myself thinking how very easily two first graders could have been added to that list.

If RH's uncle's truck had been ONE BLOCK further south...
If his uncle had left 15 seconds earlier.....
If his uncle had pulled out of the intersection to the southwest instead of the northeast....
If that stop-sign had hit the back window with a little more force....
If Ethan had been facing the window instead of looking forward....

Uggggggh.

So the truth is....that while I was crying for the pain of the families who lost their children....
I was also crying for my own "what if's?".

I have to admit....probably 3 out of 5 nights I lay in bed with "what if's?" going through my head.

What if the kids had been playing upstairs instead of in the basement?
What if the basement had collapsed on us?
What if RH's uncle had pulled up and we'd all been dead and Ethan had seen us?
What if my sister and brother-in-law had been driving with my niece and Carolyn?
What if RH had gone out of the storage room when the 'eye' passed over?
What if we'd gone down the stairs 2 seconds later?
What if what if what if what if what if what if what if???????

"What if?": What a stupid but haunting question.

Do I believe in God' divine plan? Yes.
Do I believe He doesn't make mistakes? Yes.
Do I believe that He gives us what we need....not what we want (and that that is a MUCH better plan?) Yes.
Do I believe that "what if's" are just evil-born tugs at the "peace in His plan" that God's promised me? Yes.

Do I still get shaky....inside and out....when I think of all the different ways things could have happened?

Yes.

I am only human.
I am only a mom ~~which doesn't necessarily count out being "human"~~.
I am only a wife.

I am so so so so so grateful for His plan.
I am so so so grateful that I am allowed to spend more time with my family on this side of heaven.
And I am so sad for the moms that had to say good-bye.
And I am so sad that I give in to the "what-if's" .

Maybe when things have gone the way you would have chosen..."what if" becomes a self-indulgent luxury.

But....I think that when things haven't gone the way we had hoped..."what if" might be even worse.

So....I'm only mortal. And a fallen mortal at that.
I indulge (especially late at night when I'm really tired) in stupid fearful questioning.
I go through scary non-happened scenarios in my mind.
I cry about things that could have been.

But I do my best to shake it off.
To remember that God's plan is perfect.
To remember that everything has happened the way that it should....and that I should look forward, not backward.

My dear friend gave me a wooden sign when we moved into our new place that says:

Sorrow looks back.
Worry looks around.
Faith looks ahead.

I am sad.
I was worried.
But I do have faith.....

So....I'm going to move onward, confident in His plan.

Afterall...the tornado didn't touch Shakey's, right??

Here is a link to the memorial video...

Two Lovely Journeys....

2011-08-03T07:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday the kids and I hit the road with our goodies again.

We started with a prayer and headed to our old neighborhood....just like we'd done the other times.

And, as before, we planned on seeking out those people in the yellow/orange vests and groups of volunteers to thank them and actively appreciate them.

There was NOT ONE of these people in our neighborhood.

We headed east to the next neighborhood....and found only 2 small groups.

We crossed Maiden Lane (next to St John's hospital) and found only a handful of these helpers.

By the time we reached the area between the high school and Range Line---at the general spot where we'd run out of cookies the other times---we'd only been able to make contact with 9 or 10 groups of people.

The first few times we'd met dozens and dozens and dozens of people.
Now we had a box with 5 dozen cookies ~~which is dangerous and bad for many reasons~~.

But here's the thing.
There WERE people out there.

They just weren't volunteers and Army Corps folks going through piles and retrieving bits of people's lives.
They weren't trying to salvage stuff from wrecked homes.
They weren't cutting down twisted toothpick trees.
They weren't making debris piles next to the curb for FEMA.
They weren't doing demolition work.

There were hired contractors.
There were roofers.
There were construction workers.
There were concrete pourers.
There were siding putter-on-ers.

In other words....the sounds of crashing down were being replaced by the sounds of sawing and hammering and building.

The smell of that wet (even though it's VERY dry now it still has a distinctly wet smell) and moldy tornado puke is being slowly infiltrated by the smell of freshly cut wood and newly poured cement.

Now listen.
There are STILL PLENTY OF AREAS that haven't been touched by demo crews at all.
There are still places where baby strollers are balanced crazily on top of televisions on top of chairs on top of piles that used to be someone's apartment.
There is still lots and lots of work to be done.

But...you can see it now.
You can see a tangible promise of a new city.

Oh the buildings may not be UP yet (except for the Walgreens and Chick-Fil-A that are awesome-ly racing to a finish!).....
But entire streets are cleared and primed.
Foundations are poured and ready for action.
Metal frames are shooting skyward in the business area.

It's coming.
It's on the way.

I got to watch another cool "journey" yesterday.
In the morning, before we headed out, I received a message from a friend.
She had posted about Dave and his family on her blog, and a friend had passed it to a friend ~~who'd shared with a friend's uncle's veterinarian's plumber's cousin's sister's half-aunt twice removed~~ who passed this message back to me.

They had a house they wanted someone to use.
No rent....just pay utilities.
It was vacant and needed a family.

When I was ~~stalking~~ hopefully looking for Dave the 2nd time we went out Bennett asked me why I was was so "concerned" (code for "obsessed") with him.

I replied that I knew God had put our paths together for a reason, and I knew we were supposed to be DOING something for him.

Bennett looked at me very seriously, and said, "Mom....we can't just buy him a house."

I stated that I realized that....but we COULD pray for direction and pass Dave's needs on to other people we knew would pray for him. I told Bennett that God knows what Dave needs and how to best take care of him....and that we would just pray.

Then I had a friend offer an entire household (minus a kitchen table and beds) of furniture.

Then someone offered a HOUSE.

And 2 people sent money that could pay the utilities for a few months.

Then a pastor's wife said her church would stock their pantry.

Then someone called with 2 twin mattresses and box springs.

Then the pastor's wife said there was a queen size bed in the house and that someone had just refinished a kitchen table and chairs they could use.

Then someone brought TO MY HOUSE 2 boxes of clothing in the little girl's size.

And all this happened yesterday morning.

And I got to call Dave and share with him what God had provided.
And he cried.
And I cried.

And again....I saw it.
That tangible hope in Dave and his family's life.

They had the real hope before...the hope that God has always given.
And now....they had the hope He'd handed them personally.

And I told Bennett how humbled and honored and blessed we are to have been able to watch this "journey" unfold.

And he agreed.

And So.....

2011-07-31T22:24:00.000-05:00

So....

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with Dave's wife on the phone.

We had a really nice talk, and I told her that I'd really had her family on my mind and heart lately.

I told her that I had shared her story with many people I knew.
I told her that there were MANY people praying for them, and I'd received many offers of help for her family.
I told her that RH and I would love to take them to lunch if they were willing and figure out if they had any needs that we could help with.
I asked her if they had attended any churches around here and if they would want to come to church with us Sunday and have lunch afterwords.

So.....

She told me that after the tornado they made their way to a church they'd heard had free food.
They camped there and helped volunteer in the distribution tent for a full week.
She (Dave's wife Brooke) was "saved" at this church the week before Father's day.

Yeah.

Can you guess what church it was?

Yeah.

I mentioned "divine appointments" before....but apparently I now have my own personal secretary making those appointments?!?!

That "church" was my church.

My family's church.

Same church we've attended for 7 years.

So we went to church together today.
She grabbed my hand and we praised and cried together.

We had lunch with them and had a WONDERFUL talk.

We have ideas.
We have many things to pray about.
We have tons to figure out.

Since we've learned of Dave and his story....many people I know have offered to help Dave and his family.
All of this help is needed.
REALLY needed.
Financial and otherwise.

If you really are willing....
Pray about it.
Think about it.
Discuss it with your family.
Pray some more.
Then....send me a message.
Or an email.
Or call me.

I got the honor of meeting a brother on a street corner.
I got the blessing of being able to hug him and his family.
I got the privilege of hearing an amazing story first-hand.

And now....I am seeing a glimmer of how I might be able to be a small small part in passing on some of the blessings God's given me.....

I'd be more than thrilled to fill in details and share ideas if you feel led to know and help.

Pray....and let me know.

And let me just say....

For the record....

God truly rocks.

shansat@cableoneone.net

A New Hope....

2011-07-26T22:33:00.000-05:00

Today was so cool.

Really super very cool.

Way cool.

Today the kids and I loaded up in the car again and set out on the road looking for people ~~we could force-feed our cookies and Kool-aid to~~ who would show us what "believers-in-action" looked like.

And by "believers-in-action" I mean those amazing souls who VOLUNTARILY come to this crazy-hot city (our associate pastor called it "Mars" the other day) and sweat their tails off to help us fix Joplin.

Now some of these people are Joplin natives who are hired by large national companies to help with the clean-up.

Others are paid (such as FEMA employees or people with the Corps of Engineers) but they volunteer for extended-stay jobs (some for up to 6 months) because they feel led to help.

Still others come with groups: church groups, mission groups, international assistance groups, school groups, friends-ditching-summer-vacation-plans-and-coming-here-instead groups and more. They are here solely because they feel called to help us.

And there is another group of people who came here on there own...people who felt God calling them and followed Him and have been here for weeks and will stay for weeks until they feel led elsewhere.

It is...all in all....UNBELIEVABLE to see how many hearts and souls and hands and feet God has sent here to help us.

I hope and pray and hope some more that these people realize how very much we appreciate everything they are doing for Joplin....and for our individual spirits.

Anyway....after we loaded the cooler we stopped to pray before heading out.
I prayed that God would help us find our way to the divine appointments He had scheduled for us today, and that He would give us the right words at the right times.

As we drove toward the DZ (that's PT lingo for"Disaster Zone"---aka 1/3 of the town) I asked the kids what they hoped would happen today.

Bennett said he hoped we would be able to really show people how thankful we are.

Carolyn said she hoped she could give people cookies.

Ethan said he hoped we could help people who were helping other people...so that we were really helping LOTS of people by just helping some people (I think it's the 7 year old version of the "trickle-down" effect).

I said I hoped we would hear God's directions on where to go, and that we could meet up with Dave again....if it was His plan.

You see...since last week, I can't stop thinking about Dave.

I have shared his story over and over, and I know that many people are as touched by him as I am.

Now I have always been the kind of person who wants to just jump in and do something right away.
This trait ~~very often~~ every now and then leads me into trouble.

So I've been trying to pray for guidance instead of just leaping into MY own personal ideas.

That being said....I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY feel like there is something more I should be doing for this poor man and his family. (Click HERE to read the blog on Dave's story)

I have had lots of people ask me if we could get in contact with him.....if there was more we could do.

I have such guilt that I didn't do more last week.

SO.....I prayed and hoped that we would find him today.

Mind you....there are probably literally close to 400 people in orange and yellow vests doing work in this town right now.

So we headed back to our old neighborhood and Carolyn got to hand out cookies. (Hope achieved!)

Then we made our way east and met a group of Corp of Engineer guys who told us how much it meant to them to see the thankful hearts of Joplin residents. This man actually got choked up and told us what a privilege it was to be here in the 104 degree heat directing traffic! (Hope achieved for Bennett).

Then we found a group of guys from a church in Minnesota clearing a stranger's lot. We talked with them about our experience on May 22nd and told them how awesome it was that we could finally have our acts together enough to come out and thank the volunteers who had helped all of us so much. One gentleman responded, "Because of what people like you folks are doing (thanking them) we are able to keep our spirits up and continue helping other people." (Hope achieved for Ethan).

Then.....guess what?

There he was.

On the next street corner...trying to hide in the shade made by the stop-sign he was holding.

Hope achieved Shannon.

I honestly probably scared the poor guy to death I was so excited to see him.

He broke into a huge smile and told me how the gift card I had given him last week (Thank you Molly, Sarah, Cate, Sirena, Ann and Ashley!) had been an answer to prayer because they were totally out of gas.

I told him that there were LOTS of people praying for him and gave him another gift card (Thanks again girls!!).

He teared up again, as did I.

Then I asked him if he'd found a place to live yet, and he said that he thought they might be able to move into a FEMA trailer on the 13th of August. He said he hadn't thought that they would qualify for one...and then smiled at me and said that maybe all of those prayers were working.

I asked him if his wife had started working for the company too, and he told me she had started that Saturday afternoon, but had a heat stroke that same evening and ended up in the hospital.

I asked him how his kids were doing over at the Children's Haven and he said they were doing ok.....but he couldn't get there to see them last night because he got off of work so late.

I told him that I had been thinking about him and his family a lot...and was hoping to find some way to help them.
Then (and what the HECK was I thinking I've never done anything like this in my life was I crazy??????) asked if he'd be comfortable sharing his phone number with me so I could check on them.

And he did.

He gave me his wife's cell phone number and told me she had it with her at all times.

So here is where I stand.
I feel led to help Dave and his family.
I am sure that God let me meet him again for a reason.
I now have a way to contact Dave.

But....I have NO idea what to do next.

Believe me.....I'm praying about it.
Praying and praying and praying.
I asked RH if he had any ideas....and he doesn't know what to do either.

So.....I'm putting out another request here.
It's a little more selfish than my last one.

Will you please pray for me to figure out WHAT TO DO????

Maybe it's not my deal.
Maybe I have his contact info because one of my friends or a friend of a friend or a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend is being called to do something for Dave.

If that's the case....I have a number and I'd be THRILLED to use it.

Please pray about it.
Think hard about it.
If you know someone who might know how or want to help.....please pass it on.

And meanwhile....I'm just going to sit here and smile for a bit.
God gave me my "hope."
And I know He is faithful to finish the works He started.

Just Keep Swimmin'.....

2011-07-23T22:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday several people were talking nearby where I was sitting.

One of them said:
"I'm so sick of hearing about the tornado. I just wish everyone could stop talking about it. It's been almost 2 months!"

Yeah.
Two months today, in fact.

Time to get over it.
To move on.
To just let it go.

Bear with me while I share an analogy my friend and I concocted.

When you are in a swimming pool.....you are wet.
Everyone is wet.....to some degree or another.
At some point everyone wants to get out of the pool.

For those who were standing near the edge....they can just climb right on out.
For those who are dangling their feet in the water, they can stand up and dry off.
For those who are only wading in the shallow end...they can easily walk out to their chairs and towels.

But....for those in the middle of the pool, it's a longer route to dry land.
They may still be in the deep end and need to swim to the edge before they can pull themselves out.
They may be over in the diving well and have to come up for air before they can swim to the edge and then pull themselves out.
They may be stuck out in the middle of the pool gathering everyone else's goggles and water guns ~~and children~~ and rafts before they can make it to the edge and pull themselves out.

And while some people are still trying to make their way to the side of the pool....those who got out easily are all dried off, cover-ups in place and sippin' a cocktail wondering what's taking everyone so long.

So if this analogy makes any sense.....people are different degrees of "wet".

Today my kids and I had the blessing of meeting a man named Dave.

He was wearing a bright orange and yellow vest and holding a sign to block vehicles from going down a street where demolition and clean-up was taking place.

We pulled over to offer him some Kool-Aid and cookies and I asked him where he was from.

He explained that he was from Joplin, and had been hired by a national company that had come in to help with clean-up efforts.

Then Dave went on to tell me that both he and his wife had lost their jobs because the tornado had destroyed the businesses where they had worked.

THEN he said, and I quote (or paraphrase....but you get the general idea), "I am so lucky to have this job and have an income right now. They (the same company) just hired my wife and she starts this afternoon."

As Carolyn handed him some cookies I asked him if his house was ok ~~because that is the new normal 2nd or 3rd question that strangers ask each other in this town now-adays~~.
He told me that his house and vehicles had been destroyed, but then stressed AGAIN how lucky he was to have this job.

(Did I mention that his job was to STAND IN THE STREET IN 104 DEGREE HEAT AND NO SHADE because there are no trees left?)

"Where are you living now?" I asked.

"In a tent right now," he replied, looking down, "But me and my wife finally had to take the kids over to Children's Haven because it just got too hot for them."

Oh wow.

"But now I've got money coming in....and my wife will too....so we hope that soon......."

"How old are your kids?"

"Ten and five," Dave answered, and then turned away as he started to cry.

I reached into my purse and pulled out a Wal-Mart gift card (that I had just purchased that morning with an amazing donation my sorority sisters had sent me) and asked him if he would let me pass their caring onto him.

Then I asked him if I could pray for him.
He said yes...and I did.

I reached across Bennett and held his Dave's hand, and prayed that God would reveal His purpose in Dave's life, and help Dave to feel His presence and His peace.
I prayed for God's protection over Dave's wife and children, and I thanked Him for the blessing of a divine appointment on some broken-down corner in Joplin.

Then Dave took his Kool-Aid and walked back to his post.....and the kids and I rolled up the windows and drove off in our air conditioned SUV.

You see....I am out of the pool now (to continue that analogy).
I am not totally dry...but I've finally located my towel.

But Dave and his family....well...
They just aren't over it.
They can't just move on.
In fact.....they are still treading water out in the middle of a pretty big pool.

I'm very grateful that this "pool" has a lifeguard who won't let us slip all the way under....
who lets us exit at different rates....
who loves us no mater how "wet" we are.

If you read this....will you please pray for Dave and his family?
Thank you.

Random Memories II

2011-07-21T09:02:00.000-05:00

**************************
When I first went upstairs after the storm and saw the glass and shattered wood and twisted metal all over the house, I realized ~~because I am such a dang intelligent person~~ that I needed some shoes.

(**Note**When making a "disaster kit" to keep in a safe place....include shoes for all family members)

I told John where to find some of my tennis shoes (he was a smarter person than I and was wearing his shoes!) and he went climbing over random things to get to my closet.

I turned to go back downstairs and check on the kids when I spotted the birthday gift that Bennett's godparents had brought him laying under part of a rug in the foyer. I picked it up and shook it off and brought it back to the basement.

As John came back down with my shoes I told the kids that he and I were going to go outside and that I wanted them to stay in the basement where they would be safe.

You could tell they were starting to get a little panicky.

I remembered that my step mom had taken Ethan to get a birthday present for Bennett earlier that week (while we were on our relaxing beach vacation.....did that really happen?) and she told me she had hidden it in the guest room downstairs.

I told the kids that there was a birthday gift hidden somewhere in the bedroom, and asked them to try and find it.

I told them that Bennett could open those gifts while John and I were outside.

They actually listened to me...and went running off in search of the present.

When we came back later, they were all sitting around the dark basement checking out the presents.

(Isn't it funny how a person can shut their mind down completely to certain things when needed?)

************************************

After we'd left our house we drove out of the south entrance of our neighborhood.

Spencer, my brother-in-law, was driving my car with me and the animals and Barrett was behind us in his truck with the boys.

We maneuvered over lawns and trees and wires and only heaven-knows-what-else until we were able to make our way up 32nd street.

As we came to the corner of 32nd and Maiden Lane we saw St John's hospital.

I remember we both just kind of gasped.
I felt like I was crying...but I think the shock was too deep for tears.

We continued down 32nd until we came up to Freeman hospital.

Then we stopped and waited for the road to clear.

There was this strange procession going across 32nd street.

People carrying other people on gurneys.

People laying in the back of open pick-up truck beds with other people holding them.

People carrying other people on what looked like boards, or doors.

People performing CPR on those people laying on the boards and gurneys and wheeled hospital beds as they crossed the street from St John's to the other hospital.

There was a steady steady steady stream of people.
There was no shouting or yelling....just people steadily (and it felt like silently) moving southward to the "whole" hospital.

(In retrospect I believe that these people were the ICU and other patients from St John's being transferred by volunteers, hospital workers, neighbors and other saints to a place where they could be helped.)

I was so very glad that my boys were in the truck BEHIND me and prayed they were spared seeing some of this.
***************************

When we pulled up to the intersection of Main St and 32nd in my car the radio guys were saying that more tornadoes were touching down in the area.

We scanned the sky in every direction.

We heard the highway was impassable.

We looked north down Main St and saw smoke billowing up from many many locations. I remember saying, "This is what a war zone would look like..."

The sky was so black to the east......

The rain started again and I was scared I wouldn't be able to see if something was headed our way.

We turned south, away from the fires....and my bil tried to figure out a way to get us back to his house.

Amazingly a call came through on my bil's cell phone (mine was soaking wet at this point).

It was the head of maintenance at St John's and he called to ask for help finding a certain kind of diesel fuel to run the generators at the Brady Building (which is for long-term acute care patients). He said the generators were running out of fuel and they needed that electricity to keep the life support systems going.

Then the phone went dead.

With my bil giving me phone numbers as he tried to navigate a way to the north side of town I dialed and dialed various people to find fuel....but by then there were no cell towers left and none of my calls went through.

I remember the frantic feeling of trying to simultaneously dial the phone and look in every direction to make sure we weren't driving into another tornado and check behind us to make sure RH and kids were still following........
Ugggggggh

**********************

A Better Base....

2011-07-17T22:43:00.000-05:00

How do you "break-in" a house?

How do you make it "yours"?

How do you make it feel like "home"?

Some people throw parties.
Some people paint it their favorite colors.
Some people clean it with "their" cleaner so it has "their" smell.

Me?
I fill it with kids.

THAT'S what makes it fell "homey" to me.

So....after almost 6 weeks despite the fact that we still haven't found all of the "essentials" and the fact that I've forgotten to get milk for almost a week and the fact that RH has gotten a brand new 8 week old dog, and the fact that I somehow literally have more ~~snuggies~~ ~~than pool towels.....~~
it was time.

Yesterday Ethan and Bennett had some buddies over. While RH took the puppy and Carolyn to Duck Camp, the 5 boys and I hit the pool for a few hours, then came home to change.
Carolyn left with her cousin for the night and RH and I took the boys to dinner and to see Green Lantern.

Then the 5 of them settled down in the boys' room and talked ~~loudly for almost 2 hours about various bodily functions and who smelled the worst~~ for a little bit until they finally crashed.

It was a good night.

It was a GREAT night.

It was a familiar night....if that makes sense.

We all got up bright and ~~obscenely~~ early.

RH left for a meeting at church and I got the boys fed, the dogs fed and put out, the laundry folded, the kitchen cleaned and the yard watered.

As I was upstairs cleaning up the blankets I heard the boys all giggling.

Man....I hadn't realized how much I missed that sound.

Then I heard a couple of thumps and a loud CRASH SHATTER BANG.

No more giggling.

A little panicky whispering....but definitely no more giggling.

I climbed down off of the top bunk and in my calm collected kool-aid mother voice asked the boys what had happened.

Seems the three 11-year olds had decided that it would be a fun idea to bounce a ball off of the walls and play catch in the living room.

Seems they accidentally bounced the ball off of one of the 8 funky-70's-style sconces built-in to the wall.

Seems that aforesaid sconce shattered ALL OVER the floor, the rug, the new couch (which had come in Thursday after 4 weeks of waiting and 6 weeks of no couch at all) the carpeted built-in couch, the puppy and his padded kennel and the 7 year olds trying to calmly play Star Wars.

I must tell the truth.
Kool-aid mom began to turn into Red Bull on a bad trip mom.

As I felt the steam begin to build behind my eyes I told ALL OF them to GET OUTSIDE before I said something I shouldn't.

Then they went super quickly outside and I said MANY things I shouldn't.

Oh boy.

I was mad.

Mad MAD MAD MAD mad.

It took me almost 45 minutes to clean the entire area (and I STILL got a piece of glass in my foot later that afternoon) before I sent the boys in to get dressed for church.

You see...it wasn't just the broken light...that's happened before and it'll happen again(worse things will break too....I have sons and I get how this works!)...

It wasn't so much that they knew better (although they ALL are like my own kids and they DID)....

And it wasn't so much that they'd disobeyed or disrespected a normal obvious household rule...

All of those things....while not great.....are just part of being kids and being a mom and life.
I know those things will happen...and we can ALL learn from them and move on and no use crying over spilt milk (or broken glass) or whatever.

In retrospect....I think the reason I got SO SO SO furious is this:
That previous night and that morning....I'd started to really feel.....well.....
Grounded.
Stable.
Dare I say.....normal?

Having the kids there...
Doing what we'd always done PT....
Having an actual couch and coffee table (which I know is SO STUPID but really made me feel like a was in a real home and not some weird period-hotel)......
Bringing a gang of boys into church with us.....
Feeding a bunch of kids and smiling while I grumbled at them about how much they ate....

That was how I rolled.
That was what I used to do.
That was the same feeling as the home I'd had and made for my family.
That was the base I used as my springboard for my life.

And then a stupid light shattered.
Then there were stupid exposed wires hanging off of the wall.
Then there was glass all over our only 2 pieces of new furniture.
Then there was the knowledge that I'd have to find time to find 8 new matching lights.
Then things were starting to slightly unravel again.

And I snapped.
That's it....
I just snapped.

The "normal" I had started to feel was now hanging off of my new main wall and spilled all over the living room.

So...when the boys were ~~trapped in a place they couldn't escape my wrath~~ in the car I began to talk to them.

Correction.

I began to lecture them on many things.

They were silent as mice and good as gold on the ride to church...and as my anger fizzled out and their faces showed real repentance things cooled down.

I cooled down.

We had hugs all around before going into the building....and we were all ok, I guess.

But....as I should have predicted would happen....our pastor opened with a little chat about how now....6-8 weeks post tornado....is when people would begin to experience a different kind of stress. He quoted a newspaper that explained it as (and I paraphrase liberally here) the idea that the shock has worn off and everybody is in the "Holy crud this is the new forever" mode.
Apparently this will be characterized by flaring tempers....among other things.

Hmmm.
Fine.

The pastor also said that this was the time when those in our community who did not have faith in Christ...who put their faith and hope in things of this world instead of things OUT of this world would begin to crumble as they see their world STILL crumbled around them.

Well now....I know I have that hope.
I do truly have that faith.

I think I am just having some not-so-occasional setbacks here and there.
But I tell you....the "here and there"s are coming less frequently.
Thank you, God for that.

So then I did what I probably should have done after I sent the boys outside that morning.
I thanked God for the broken light.
I thanked Him for the reminder to QUIT TRYING TO BASE MY STABILITY IN MY SURROUNDINGS.
Apparently I need frequent reminders of that.
Apparently I'm a slow learner.

One of my friends and I discussed the other day how we both felt like as we grew in Him, we were learning to lay more and more things at His feet.
We also discussed how we're apt to pick those same things back up and take them for ourselves again.

Hence the many reminders.

I DO want my "homey" home back.
I DO want that comfort level.
I DO want that coziness.

But....I don't want to NEED that in order to feel "stable".

One of the songs this morning in church said:
"Sweet Jesus Christ, my sanity....
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity..."

THAT'S what I need to feel stable.
That's what I WANT to need.

Sure would be nice if I could take His corrections and reminders with just a little more grace and gratitude than I did today.

Proverbs tells me to not hate His corrections, because He corrects those whom He loves as a parent corrects a child.

I'm quite an impressive specimen of "child", if you ask me.

So....goals of the week for this child:
Learn not to cry over spilled milk.
AND remember not to bounce balls on walls in the living room.

I Can't Complain....

2011-07-11T22:32:00.000-05:00

Around these here parts, people are excitedly getting ready to move into FEMA trailers.

I've heard that some of them will be quite nice. Quite decent, anyway.

Some will have 3 bedrooms...others will have one.

BUT all will have air conditioning (which is SO IMPORTANT considering it got up to 102 today and doesn't look much better in the weeks to come...) and running water and some sort of a space that people can call "their own."

How many families will be using these?

I'm not sure...but quite a few I think.

The man who's in charge of our alarm systems is also partly in charge of "Tent City."

According to my buddy....there are currently over ONE HUNDRED tornado-displaced-people living in tents on a piece of private land that some kind man has given them for refuge.

One hundred.

Among these people are infants (yup....there are pack 'n plays in those tents), families, elderly, singles, teenagers and more.

My friend told me that a few weeks ago his group of "helpers" were able to construct a building with 2 showers and 2 toilets that the "city" has been using.

He said that there is a very organized woman living there whom they've dubbed "the mayor". Apparently she has a few pre-paid cell phones for people to use in emergency situations.

This friend of mine emphasized the gratitude these people had for that building....for being able to stay on one piece of land....for the food and drink donations that have been coming their way.

Tents.

102 degrees.

Pack 'n plays.

Have I SERIOUSLY caught myself ~~privately~~ ~~loudly~~ ~~often~~ quietly grumbling about not yet having furniture?

Have I SERIOUSLY mumbled not-so-nice words into my soft cushy pillow when RH ~~slams frying pans into the walls and sounds like a bar-brawl~~ makes a little noise in the kitchen (which is easy to hear because our new place only has super-70's pocket doors) when he wakes up to go into work at 4:30am?

Have I SERIOUSLY gotten frustrated to the point of tears when the back hatch on my working car finally totally broke and the kids (and groceries and boxes from the warehouse) have to go in and out through the back window Dukes-of-Hazzard style?

Ummmm.......embarrassingly enough......yes.

So as I would say to my kids....I say to myself here...

SUCK IT UP, SHANNON.

My friend and I got to go for a run and have a ~~panting-infused~~ chat this week.

We were discussing perspectives....and how important they were to make us realize just how amazingly wonderfully blessed we have been.

Now wait....I've said before and I say it now....I KNOW I am blessed.

Know know know know know it.

But sometimes it's unfortunately easy to get caught up and halfway buried in the muck and mire of LIFE....and that's when perspective comes in handy.

Ok.

Being in a tornado is not such a great thing.

Having your house ripped apart while you're in it....not so great either.

Not knowing where your child and nephew and aunt and uncle are......pretty very incredibly bad.

But....I CANNOT complain.

I have my family.

All of 'em.

I have a solid home (with a basement!).

The people who are still living in hotels? They can complain.

The people who are moving for an indefinite amount time into FEMA trailers? They can complain.

But....people still living in shelters can complain more.

But people living in tents can complain more.

But people who are STILL RIGHT NOW in the hospital trying to fight off weird fungal infections from horrible tornado injuries can complain more.

But people who have lost friends and family can complain more.

But people who have lost their homes, jobs, and family members can complain more.

But that poor woman who lost her husband and two children in Home Depot....well....what can I even say about her?

I pray for her daily.

I don't know her personally....but I've heard she seems so very strong and brave....and I can't even begin to imagine how strong and brave she will have to be every second of every day for the rest of her life.

Perspective.

A blessing for sure.

Last week our pastor taught out of Luke again.

He chatted about a verse I've heard many times....but I heard it differently this time (must have been my perspective!).

"For everyone to whom much is given,

from him much will be required;

and to whom much has been committed,

of him they will ask the more."

Luke 12:48

I just put 3 amazing gifts from God to bed.

I peeked in on my husband, sleeping hard because he's been working so hard at his stable business.

I am sitting in an air conditioned house.

This list could go on for pages and chapters and years.....so many things He has given me.

So many things I am thankful for.

So many things I'm guilty of griping about....ugggggh.

Time to square my shoulders....

put on my "big-girl panties".....

get my mind out of my "issues" and onto the possibilities of what I can do to help.

Directly after the tornado when we came out of the store-room, Bennett started kind of flipping out.

I remember taking his face in my hands to talk to him, but that's all I recall.

My mother-in-law says that I told him:
"That's ENOUGH, Bennett. God kept you safe because He has a purpose for you...and that purpose is NOT to sit here and freak out. He kept you safe because He has something for you to do....and you job is going to be to find out what that is. Right now your job is to hold the dog and keep her safe so that Uncle John and I can go check on our neighbors."

(I don't remember saying that....but I have to say I like it. I am relatively sure that God let his Holy Spirit speak through me at that moment though...and I'm pretty darn grateful and in awe of that.)

So....recap of this ~~super long rambling overly-detailed possibly-incoherent~~ post.

Much has been given and committed to me.

God saved me for a purpose.

My job is to find it.

Random Memories I

2011-07-09T15:10:00.001-05:00

This post isn't going to communicate a point, necessarily.

I'd mentioned before that there are lots of things I don't want to forget from this time in my life.
So...I ~~need~~ plan to record them here and there...every now and then...in bits and pieces...and then not re-visit them until I want to.

I've found that if I read my personal account of May 22...I start shaking.

When I talk to the people who were with me...or who were in the middle of it...I get goosebumps and start shaking.

So...I won't read what I write...for a while anyway...but I'll have it for when I want to read it.

I think it's important to have theses things....because while I keep g~~riping and moaning and blabbering on~~ talking about finding "normal" again...I don't want things to go back to the same "normal" as before.

I want to keep (and I want this city to keep) the new perspective that came with the EF-5.
The perspective that things are.....things, and people matter more.
The priority switch that came on May 22......the one that made all of us hold each other a little closer...grab hands in the parking lot, and hug people we don't even know.

So....as time passes on and we become "normal" again....(and by "normal" this time I mean a little more jaded, cynical, impatient and intolerant (which I know that I have been....and I don't want to be again...)) I plan to re-visit these memories and stories.

I hope it will help me re-remember my new/old/newish/ (huh?) priority system.

Or maybe I just need to get these things out of my mind and onto "paper".

Either way...they will be here.

**************************
A short time after the tornado some organization on Main St made t-shirts they were selling for $20. $15 of the cost goes directly into Rebuild Joplin. My sister-in-law got the kids, RH and I shirts. They are grey and say "Restore Joplin". The kids love them and grab them as soon as they come out of the dryer. Ethan was looking down at himself and (i guess for the 1st time actually) read his shirt.

"What does "restore" mean?"

"It means to rebuild....to try and turn something back into what it was before."

"Oh," he answered....only half-listening to me.

"I think it should say "Ruined" Joplin."

Ugggggh.

************************

When we were in my basement during the actual storm there was a time when it got lighter briefly and RH said he was going to go take a look. I told him not to (this is all in my original account earlier in the blog so you KNOW I'm not making it up)...that it didn't "feel" right yet...and then it was dark and yucky and loud again.

At the pool this weekend my friend Kerry asked me if we had been in the middle of the tornado...if the eye had passed over us.

I told her I didn't know......that I wasn't sure how I COULD know that.

She asked me if the wind and noise ever lessened for a few seconds (4-5 is the professional meteorological estimate) and then got bad again.

I thought about it....and out came the goosebumps and full-body shakes again.

That was when Barrett said he might go upstairs.
That was when the green light came under the door again instead of pitch black.

Again....Ugggggh.
***********************************

That's all for now....but I will add more ~~blabbering useless potentially annoying~~ memories as they occur.

And if you want the link to the t-shirts, you can find them here. It's a great site and a great cause.

Thanks for "listening"....but I understand if you don't want these stories.
They're pretty yucky to me, too.

Little Slice of "Normal"....

2011-07-05T07:33:00.000-05:00

Happy 5th of July!

You know...to be honest (because there seems to be a "let me be totally honest ~~and potentially offensive~~ and blunt" pattern developing in my PT life), the 5th of July used to be one of my very favorite days.

While I have always enjoyed the 4th...the awesome Americana party at RH's family's house...the lake (which we had to forgo due to an infestation of toxic blue-green algae)....the cute matching outfits on all of the kids (including mine of course)...watermelon and red white and blue desserts......I have always found myself VERY TIRED by the time the actual night of the 4th rolled around.

I love living in a town where kids (of ALLLLLLL ages) get so excited about fireworks and love shooting them off several evenings before the holiday....but I kind of sort of possibly got a bit tired of of not being able to get to sleep until close to midnight 3 or 4 nights in a row because I live in a town where kids get so excited about fireworks.

True confession.
Makes me old and unpopular.
And grumpy.
Sorry.

So by the time the 5th comes....I am ready (and VERY grateful) for an early-ish bedtime and a full boom/crash/bang-less night of sleep.

This year.....
Well, this year was a little different.

This year, the celebrating was different.

Yes...we had sparklers and watermelon and cute matching outfits (although for some reason no one in MY family could seem to wear them at the same time and actually MATCH) and great patriotic themed food....but there was something different about all of it.

I am searching for the right word to describe this difference.....

Innocence?
Unbridled?
Joy?

Something like that, anyway.

As I've mentioned....six weeks PT things still aren't like they used to be....and these "things" include emotions.

But...last night ~~and the previous 3 nights when we were up to un-holy hours experiencing loud loud loud explosives~~ there was an honest-to-goodness taste of

NORMAL.

Sure, we had a great time with the kids on our weekend getaway, but all 5 of us knew that being able to order 2 desserts every night was a "celebrate being away from the disaster zone we call our hometown" treat and not real life.....

Sure we've had a wonderful company and dinner brought by dear friends but we all sat on the carpet (and by carpet I also mean the carpeted couch) and carefully avoided speaking about the fact that our real furniture was currently located under 2 tons of shingles and glass....

Sure I've taken the kids to the pool to swim but inevitably we run into "old neighbors" whom I haven't gotten to talk to since May 22nd and our discussions quickly turn to "Where-Were-You" stories....

But these last few nights have been DIFFERENT.

For some reason, the underlying "disaster-mind" (that strange almost-physical feeling of slight pressure on every inch of your skin reminding you that life as you knew it is totally gone and you can't look back because there IS NO back) wasn't present.

Instead....there was loud laughter.
Louder (happy) explosions.
Glow bracelets on happy girls.
Glows sticks ~~being used to smack unsuspecting friends~~ for happy boys.
Blueberry and strawberry tarts.
Parents yelling "Don't chase your sister/brother/friend/anyone with that sparkler again!"
Filthy children....who were smiling.

Maybe the chaos and the loudness "drowned out" anything else?
Possibly.

Truthfully and unfortunately (but probably realistically) that anxiety is back this morning.

Today I woke up thinking about the ~~stupid stupid stupid stupid~~ inventory list I need to finish....
the insurance claims I need to sort out for furniture restoration and fixing frames of pictures that are salvageable....
the fact that the hatchback to my car is now completely broken (thanks to the rear-ending I received 3 weeks ago) and how I'm going to find the time to get that fixed....
the possibility that (according to my mom) there are still cabinets and light fixtures in my old driveway because the people from Habitat either didn't want them or forgot to come and get them.....

Just life.
Just stuff.
Just the "new normal" again.

But man.....it was so so so great to feel that "old normal" for a while last night.

In Psalm 116: 7 (which is the one marked forever by pine needles in my bible) it says:

"Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you."

Please remind me to remember....

My soul doesn't need a "certain kind of normal" to be at rest.
My soul can (and SHOULD) rest in the certain knowledge that God has dealt bountifully with me....
has taken care of me...
has taken care of my family....
has BEYOND supplied for my needs.

Now I KNOW that this family is not going to be staying up till midnight-ish every night doing fireworks (please dear Father in heaven no no no).....
but we found some of that old-fashioned non-anxiety ridden joy last night.
It's still out there.
It comes in little slices and pieces.

I am working on praying myself into the rest God wants me to return to....
It's slow-going some days....but I think it will come.

I also think I have to get that hatch-back fixed before it squashes one of my kids.

Got a lot of work to do today......
Better pray up and get moving.

Just Fine....

2011-06-30T07:06:00.000-05:00

Last night after putting the kids in bed, RH (who, as we know, does his very best to stay relatively unaffected by the ~~girly~~ emotional world) says, "It's hard to believe that THIS (gesturing around him) is our real house now."

Then ~~as I picked my jaw off of the carpet~~ he did a pretty good job of summing up what I have been unable to successfully put into words: "I mean, before today, we had our other house. Even though it wasn't "ok", it was still there. It was still our house. I almost felt like this house was a hotel. Not anymore though. This is all we have now."

And with that, he turned around, walked off, and probably looked for something very manly and tough to do.

Wow.

I get it.

The sense of "home base" has been completely severed and is in the process of being re-grafted.

You see, yesterday we bulldozed the remains of the old house.

How weird does that sound/feel to say?!

There is nothing but a gi-normous pile of rubble there now. And that will be gone today.....scooped up by some huge machine thing and thrown into a gigantic dirty black truck to be hauled off to some enormous dumping site.

End.
Finito.
Finale.
Done.

And then there will be NOTHING there. Nothing of the house, that is. Or the several tree stumps that the huge bulldozer thing plucked out of the ground.

But my forsythia on the corner are there.
And my mailbox.
And the tree house (for now, until we cut it down and bring it "home").

I took one last walk around the yard as the demo crew removed all of the undamaged cabinets and everything else they thought might be usable for Habitat for Humanity.
As I rounded the house one of my dear friends showed up...sent expressly to me for a much needed boost of support and love.

We stood and talked for a moment....about our kids, life, nightmares and priorities.

We looked at the house which was soon to be gone, and I told her that I was just fine with it.

That I knew my "home" was with my family....and that this structure in front of us was nothing but walls and a ceiling (or lack thereof!) and it was just fine to knock it down.

That the house had kept us safe, and now it was time for it to go and that was just fine.

I told her that this ~~stupid tornado~~ experience has helped me realize how incredibly important (and to be honest, incredibly logical and practical too) it is to root yourself in Christ...and let Him (rather than a structure) provide that sense of "home"....and that because I have Him I was just fine.

My friend looked me in the eye, and told me that she understood that I was just fine, but that it was also just fine to grieve the loss of something that had given my family a sense of home for so long.

Then the dear gal hugged me, ~~spread her angel wings and flew off~~ jumped back in the car with her daughter, and left.

Fine.
Just fine.

Then a ginormous metal dinosaur began eating my house...loudly smacking it's huge iron head against the brick wall (knock knock who's there? The house monster!) until it crumbled and the neighborhood could watch RH's fancy toilet careen down into the ruined air hockey table in the basement.

Crunch.
Munch.

The sounds were eerily reminiscent of the ones we'd heard while hiding in the basement as the tornado ate it's way through the house.

My sil, RH, 2 great friends and I watched in utter shock and awe (but not really sadness....it was just too weird and surreal) as the dinosaur took something that we'd thought was so solid and utterly crumbled it.

Now I realize that the tornado has done that to a fourth of my town....but I didn't actually SEE that happening. I only saw the aftermath. To SEE the destruction occurring (and occurring voluntarily) was rather bizarre, to be honest.

Once the ~~dinosaur trainer~~ dozer-driver had finished the side of the house he drove around the front.

Then he asked me if I'd like to do the final knock-down myself.

Yeah. I think that would be just fine.
Interesting, even.

I climbed in, and after a brief tutorial drove the lifted grappling arm into Ethan's wall.

Down came the bricks and the remaining dormer.

Then I backed it up, and out came his window seat with the 3 red (moldy) cushions on it.
And then I put the grappling arm into his green and blue room (that my mom and I had painted) with all of the Star Wars jedis on the walls and smashed them.
Then I backed up and watched his little spider-man lamp tumble down into the mess below.
Then I realized how hard I was crying.

The driver asked me if I was ok, and I told him I was just fine.

And I asked him if he could smell the lavender from my plants that were being crushed beneath the treads of the bulldozer.

He said it smelled nice, and I agreed and kept crying and used the dinosaur head to smash through the old wooden bookshelf that was in my kids' hallway.

Soon I climbed out ~~because I think I was freaking the driver out a bit~~ so the driver could re-align the machine, and let RH do the final knock-down.

Then, it was done. My friends left. RH left. The volunteers from Ft Worth across the street (who stopped to watch and film the demo) left, and it was just me.

I looked at the rubble pile that looked just the same as all of the rubble piles all across Joplin.

I prayed, and cried a little.

I thanked God for giving us that house to keep us safe...
for giving us such a wonderful place to call home for 7 years...
and for all of the memories we'd created in that house.

Then I thanked Him for a new place to call "home"....
for giving me my amazing family and friends to fill that home with laughter and new memories...
for staying so ever-present and faithful to me...
and for sending me someone to tell me that it was ok to be sad when I said good-bye to our old house.

Then I picked up the little "Atlanta Braves" stuffed baseball that had rolled out of the pile of bricks and insulation and furniture and glass....

and I went home to my kids.

Nothin' But the Truth.....

2011-06-27T07:13:00.000-05:00

Ok. The truth?

I'm annoyed at myself.

It's been FIVE weeks since the tornado......yet I still feel utterly discombobulated 80% of the time.

My short-term memory is SHOT.

I can't remember what I went to a store to get.

I lose every flippin' list I make.

I can't get this stupid total pain in my butt excel spread sheet of all our possessions to work because ~~the stupid program keeps shifting my "cells" (and what the heck is a flippin' cell anyway? Not what this biology major learned about!) about randomly ruining hours of work~~ I have never done a spreadsheet before.

I have a mattress in the dining room that I can't seem to remember to take back. A mattress. It's big. Hard to miss.

I started crying at Sam's when my raspberries spilled and the lady in the next check-out lane glared at me.

I take the wrong turns driving anywhere and am constantly late....and I've always prided myself on my punctuality.

For literally TWO weeks now I've forgotten EVERY DAY to call the "Furniture Rescue" place.

Anyway, I'm just not up to my PT self....and I'm annoyed.

What's the deal? I realize 5 weeks isn't 5 years....but it's plenty long to get back in the game.
I have a home base now. We all have mattresses WITHOUT MOLD. Underwear has been found (or purchased) for all of us. I even have new Monkey Grass (thanks, Uncle Frank!) that the kids have remembered to water.

What's it going to take to feel "settled"?

Yesterday morning my pastor taught out of Luke.
Luke 12: 13-34, to be exact.

I'm not going to quote all of it here (although the read is soooo worth the effort!), but here are some "highlights" that really pierced my heart.

(I am doing some serious piecing and jumping around here....still quoting Luke, but in a funky way....)

(Jesus said,) " 'Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses,'.......then he said to His disciples....'Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. Life is more than food and the body more than clothing.....if God (takes such good care of birds and grass), how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?

Which of you by worrying can add one day to his life? Seek the kingdom of God, and all (other things that you think you need) shall be added to you.' "

Hmmmmmm.

You know how sometimes you think the pastor is speaking DIRECTLY TO YOU?

And other times I think, "Interesting message, but not really pertinent to my life right now." (maybe only I think that way?)

Well to be honest (again), at first I didn't feel all that "spoken to".
I am honestly truly completely sincerely totally truthful when I say I AM OK NOT HAVING MY OLD HOUSE AND STUFF.

Seriously!

It's not just lip service......it's a sincere not-all-that-concerned feeling about those possessions of mine.

I'm pretty darn lucky.
I haven't had to worry about having enough food. I have friends, family, and an insurance policy that have taken care of that. I have clothes to cover my family. The tornado presented a good spring cleansing, and we'll go school shopping in the fall.
Big flippin' deal.

I KNOW that God takes care of my needs.
I have seen it, experienced it, felt it, believe it.

So....this passage isn't so-much for me, right?

Well.....maybe. Maybe not.

In it, Jesus also says that worrying is not such a good or healthy or obedient past-time.
He tells me not to be anxious.

Well, I think that maybe possibly sorta.....I am not listening to that very well.

True, I'm not worried about clothing or food....but I am still very shaken.

I don't mind changing my life around....but I didn't get to make the decision to change it.
A stupid EF-5 did it for me.

And that stupid EF-5 violently ripped away the home (not the house, mind you...but the sense of "home" inside of the walls) I've worked for 15 years to create.
It stole my organization, my summer plans, my time, my children's peaceful sleep, my joy in thunderstorms, my husband's 9 hour days, my emotional stability.......

Let me be clear....the tornado DID NOT shake my faith.
The tornado DID shake my "normal".

Every aspect of it.
I said to RH--if someone grabs your torso and violently shakes you...you can't expect your hand to be able to write smoothly and legibly no matter HOW good your muscle control might be. (I'm actually kinda proud of that analogy....)

But...and let's be honest AGAIN....the Bible doesn't say that "you can't worry about clothes, but anxiety over your normal life being torn away is totally fine."

It says, First seek God, and all the OTHER things will fall into place as they should (paraphrased, me).

So, I'm gonna try.
I'm gonna try to remember where my heart is rooted.
I'm gonna try to bury myself a little deeper in Him.
I'm gonna hand over my anxieties (and quit grabbing them back) and just breathe.

It's ok if I don't get that stupid stupid stupid excel spread sheet turned in this week.
It's ok if I'm not on time to the kids' tennis camp.
It's ok if I cry when I drive into our old neighborhood.
It's ok if we eat out for the next 2-16 weeks.

These things are ok...these feelings are OK to have.....but they are not a reason for me to feel overwhelmed and flummoxed and discombobulated.
They are simply emotions and things to recognize.....and then turn over to God.

Gotta quote one more song here....

"When my world is shaking....
Heaven stands.
When my heart is breaking....
I never leave Your hands."

So.....MAYBE the gospel of Luke was meant for me too.
Every once and a rare while....I don't mind being wrong.

Here's a link to the song, "Your Hands"

Turn...and Face the Change

2011-06-23T11:53:00.000-05:00

So.....it's now been a month (yesterday) that my town was smashed by a tornado.

One month.

31 days.

Not such a very big amount of time, really.

But...I must say that it has TRULY been the LONGEST 31 days I've ever experienced.

I've found it interesting how "warped" time has become since May 22nd.
Even though I may have literally lost from memory several days of my life, a week seems to stretch on for years.
And nights when storms come through lately? Well....2 hours seems to become 8 or 9.
But other times I am running around doing everything/nothing and I look at my watch to see if it's dinner time...only to find that it's 10:30 at night.

Time just isn't the same.
31 days later....things still just aren't the same.

To be honest, some of the "not-same" things I really kind of like.
For instance....
The low level of tolerance people seem to have for other people's insincerity.
Watching strangers sacrifice so much to help strangers.
Seeing so many people holding hands around town.
My new disco ball.

So...as I was forced to drive through yet another previously-unseen hideously disastrous road this morning (due to the fact that other roads had been closed for ~~house and what remains of people's lives~~ debris removal) I looked around me and noticed some things I found pretty interesting.

I think I'll list them here, so that in 3 years from now I don't forget and start taking the world for granted.

--Trees that have absolutely NO bark on them can still grow new leaves.
--Shiny sequins from Hallmark bags still stay shiny after a month out in the elements.
--Flags moved back up to the top of their poles from half-mast look very strange to me.
--Going without any fruit or vegetables for 14 days will not harm my children.
--You can honestly get used to being able to look through a building.
--Waiting an extra 8-9 minutes in line at Wal-Mart so the checker and another customer can compare tornado stories and hug isn't so bad.
--I can easily live with 4 pairs of shorts and 7 t-shirts (but having all of my fun flip-flops that were in my "lost" luggage helps!).
--It's spookier to see a totally bulldozed and cleared area then one filled with debris.
--A good Dr. Seuss read in quiet-yet-enthusiastic tones can keep a 4, 7 and even 11 year old calm during the sirens.
--Sometimes I'm quicker to cry about amazing kindness then I am about utter devastation.

So.
Some things I'm ok with "getting back to normal."
Others....I hope they ARE the "new normal."
--

Different Kinds of Beauty...

2011-06-21T21:08:00.000-05:00

Maybe about a week and a half-ish PT Ethan asked me if he could "write something."

He and his cousins had been into making lists of everyone they knew, so I figured that was what he wanted to do.

I gave him my legal pad I'd been using for inventory and a pencil and he sat down at the kitchen island and lost himself in thought.

I busied myself around the house, until he asked (without looking up), "Mom....how do you spell 'tornado'?"

I actually had to swallow hard and tell my stomach to stop flipping over before I could answer him.

He wrote for about 20 minutes, pausing every now and then to ask me how to spell something, then walked over to me with the big yellow pad and asked me to read it out loud.

(I wish I had picture-posting-capabilities right now...because his beautiful childish handwriting captures his story so much better then the computer....but hopefully that will come in time, too.)

Here is what he wrote:

I was in a car when the tornado happened.
I was in my Uncle Franks car.
The tornado broke my house it was really scary!
Something blew and hit the glass and the glass hit me on the head.
I mis my house but I got a new one and i like it and im glad that everybodys safe.

Today I got a beautiful message from a dear friend of mine on facebook. She shared a verse that had been on her heart to give to me.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord,
thoughts of peace and not of evil,
to give you a future and a hope.

Aren't both of these beautiful?
So different (but not so different) from each other....but so touchingly wonderfully beautiful?

Man.......
I know I've said it before, but I think it bears repeating.

I am unbelievably blessed.

Keep on Climbing.....

2011-06-20T07:53:00.000-05:00

I'm back....in a manner of speaking.

This weekend we ran away.
All 5 of us.

RH and I realized that we pretty much hadn't REALLY seen our kids for 5 weeks.
Sure, we'd been around....

But in reality we were gone on vacation for the week PT*...
Then we came back and had that little EF-5 incident...
Then we spent a week digging through and packing up our lives while the kids were shuffled from person to person....
Then we spent a week trying to find parts of our lives while the kids were shuffled from place to place....
Then we spent a week throwing away moldy parts of our lives and trying to move into a new home with mold-free stuff while the kids were shuffled from here to there...

(And I realize that only makes 3 official weeks....but to be honest..I think I literally lost a week in there somewhere!)

Ethan has been up with nightmares and random complaints almost every night.

Carolyn has told the bbsitters that she no longer has to listen to them (although there is a very distinct possibility that her....a-hem...defiance has nothing to do with our temporarily crazy lifestyle and more to do with her....a-hem...independent personality)...

Bennett has been on a hard-core-won't -leave-the-house-organize-everything-in-his-vicinity streak.

It was time for some JUST US-ness.

So we went to Kansas City, left our "pick-up-sticks" lifestyle behind, and just hung-out.

We went to T-Rex Cafe, stuffed ourselves, and let them all Build-a-Dino.
We went to Oceans of Fun and tried to conquer every water slide there.
We went to PF Changs and inhaled 2 orders of lettuce wraps AT THE KIDS' REQUEST!!!!
We went to Barnes and Nobel and let the kids pick whatever they wanted.
We ~~pushed~~ let the kids jump into the fountain outside the InterContinental Hotel.
We let the kids order off of the adult menu.
We ~~spent way too much of our time~~ watched street performers and let the kids put coins in each of their "boxes".
We ordered ridiculous amounts of room service (which was FREE since they forgot to clean our room!) (which I'd normally be grumpy about but the room STILL looked better than my new house!) and let the kids eat in bed and watch Shrek.
We got frozen custard after already eating dessert.

And the kids smiled.
And we smiled.
And the kids laughed.
And so did we.
And we all slept.
Hard.

So we're back. It's 7:45 in the morning, and the kids are STILL sleeping. I have at least 27 more posts I need to add to this blog....but I think I'll wait till later.

Now...I'm going to breathe a little bit.
I'm going to slow down, and have a ~~fifth~~ second cup of coffee.
I'm going to make a list instead of rushing around and forgetting what I need to do.

Yes....there is still a lot of mountain left to climb in this weird journey to "new normal".....
But now I think that I can find some firm footing on my way up.

And I just might take some coffee to go.

(*PT= post-tornado)

Another Great Word...

2011-06-16T07:41:00.000-05:00

Start with a side note: Bennett is reading The Hobbit and asked me what "flummoxed" meant.
I replied, "Confused. Scattered. Frazzled by circumstances around yourself."
Good word for now, don't you think?

Well....I went by the dry cleaners to drop ~~an entire car load~~ a little bit of stuff off for some serious cleaning.

This was by no means my first trip to my wonderful cleaners.

I had already dropped off many loads of random things that I thought might be "save-able" (Including Carolyn's giant pink stuffed bunny that she LOVES but was really really wet...).

As you might imagine, the cleaners is a little backed up right now, and the turn around time for most of the stuff is a few weeks.

(Really not a problem when you don't have any beds to put all of those comforters back on anyway!)

So when I deposited my "last" load of stuff (I keep telling them it's my "last" load, then I keep coming in with more car loads) I was surprised when they told me I had something to pick up.

The lady brought me out a beautifully hung wrapped-super-nicely package containing:
**one ratty red hand towel
**one ratty red bath towel
**one random green washcloth
**one Superman pillow sham
**one adult size blue snuggy

Flummoxed.
Good time for that word.
How did that stuff get here?
Why do I want that stuff?
What in the heck am I supposed to do with that stuff?

"That will be.....$14.50," she cheerfully exclaimed. "Glad we could get it cleaned up for you!"

So...this could be how she speaks to everyone, OR....I look haggard and desperate and flummoxed enough to be eagerly anticipating the return of my snuggy.

Flummoxed, I think.

But....I just might use that darn snuggy tonight.

If You Feel Led to Come Here and Help....

2011-06-13T21:34:00.000-05:00

Now THIS was a wonderfully useful post I found on facebook. Really really great tips for those who want to come (or are already here) and help get this city back on it's feet.

Check out this link: Tips for Volunteers...
And thank for being willing to help!

Listening....

2011-06-13T06:40:00.000-05:00

Three weeks ago this morning I sat on a couch in my sil's house with my friend Melanie (at 4 in the morning, to be specific) and tried to make some sense of what had just happened to my world.

It was a difficult task.

We hadn't slept at all, the noise of helicopters flying over was constant, my newly-turned-11 year old was sleeping on the floor with the dog in front of us, and lots of sirens were going off outside of the house.

So we gave up trying to figure things out and headed to Wal-Mart at 5:40 to buy water because apparently ours was no longer safe to drink.

To be honest, that "couch time" is one of the very few solid memories I have of that week. I hope to spend some time at the computer THIS week and figure out where those 7 days went.
It feels important to me to know when I first went back to the house, who was with me, who came over, and what we found....I am not sure WHY this matters....but I really don't like the idea that I LOST those minutes and hours.
Maybe because we've lost so many other things? Maybe that's why I care where that time went?
Who knows....but I'd like to try and find it.

In the midst of all that "fuzziness"....there are a few things that remain clear.
This is the clearest of them all....

On Monday evening we moved the 5 of us (plus dog, chinchillas, guinea pig and hermit crab) into my mother's house. She was in Atlanta during the storm and wasn't due back until mid-week.

After a few hours of sleep (hope to get that "sleeping" thing back some day...) I came downstairs Tuesday morning around 5am.

Barrett had left to check on his office, and the kids were all sacked out in my mom's spare bedroom.

I was wide awake, and decided to track down a bible and spend some time with God.

Barrett's was laying on the kitchen table (apparently he had the same thought as me), so I put it in my lap as I pulled up a stool to the island.
I wanted to find something in that bible about gratefulness...something that would touch on my thankfulness. I know that Psalms is full of wonderful poems and descriptions...but I must admit that I'm not too familiar with that book of the bible.

So, with the bible in my lap I prayed that God would show me the right thing to read that morning.

Now....I've done a lot of praying in my life. I've felt God's presence in BIG and small ways....I know that He has orchestrated many things for me....I've seen His work and His answers...and I KNOW that He's gently (and not so gently) led me in specific directions.
But...I've never actually audibly heard Him.

I did that morning.

"116."

I admit I thought I was hearing things in my too-tired-to-properly-function brain...but I turned to Psalm 116 and began to read.

When I was done, I climbed off of the stool, tears pouring down my face, and got down on my knees to thank my God.

Psalm 116: 1-9
I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
"O lord, save me!"

The Lord is gracious and righteous,
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the simplehearted;
when I was in great need, he
saved me.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,
my ears from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living....

Word of the Day.....

2011-06-09T07:10:00.000-05:00

I have a new term to be added to the dictionary.

Tornado Puke: the collection of debris left by an EF-5 tornado after it attacks a city; may include shingles, dry-wall, glass, insulation, and various bits of unidentifiable things; often found on cars, tall grass, lots where large solid structures once stood, and inside of drawers and trunks that were closed before and after the storm and should have been airtight. This substance has a very distinct odor consisting of a combination of wet dry-wall, mold, and rot. Bits of this substance may be found to linger even after repeated attempts to wash it away. Caution should be used when attempting to remove this material; preferred methods include q-tips, clorox wipes, towels, brooms, and bulldozers.

Could somebody please call Mr. Webster in their spare time and make sure this makes the 2012 edition?
Thanks.

Kim's Story

2011-06-07T21:02:00.000-05:00

The following is my sister-in-law Kim's story of what happend two weeks ago.....I can't read it without crying....but they are tears of fear mixed with tears of gratefulness.....

Sunday, May 22^nd , 2011, a date I will never, ever forget. I have been meaning to take the time to sit down and recount that evening’s events, putting it into writing, so here goes…

That Sunday started out like any other Sunday.
We went to church and after church my sister-in-law, Shannon, and I switched kids around as we often do. We had my nephew’s 11^th birthday party that evening and decided that all 4 boys would go home with her, and Spencer and I would take Carolyn and Scarlett home with us. So we went our separate ways and had plans to meet up at the birthday party. The party was originally planned for 5 o’clock at my in-laws pool, but we were more than likely changing it to Shannon and Barrett’s house because it was forecasted to rain later that evening. Shannon called later to tell me that Barrett was bringing the 4 boys over to our in-law’s house to swim. She also told me the party was moved to 5:30 since it was just going to be at her house instead of the pool now. So the boys went swimming at their grandparents and we just planned to meet up at Shannon and Barrett’s for the party later on.

Later that afternoon I ride my bike up to the south YMCA which is only about 4 miles from my house. I leave the Y around 4:30 so I will have time to shower and get over to the birthday party. Our Y is located approx. ½ mile south of the St. John’s Hospital, on 32^nd Street. Little did I realize that the bike ride to and from the Y is the last one I will be taking for weeks, if not months! I ride right by the hospital and through tons of housing that will be leveled within a little over an hour of me leaving the Y.

I get home and take a quick shower and get ready to head to Barrett and Shannon’s house. We are all ready to go around 5:15 when I am listening to the local radio station in my bathroom. They are talking about bad storms to our west and the possibility of some high winds, hail and a possible tornado spotted near Carl Junction (NW of us). I call Shannon and tell her that storms are moving into the area and we will head that way when they pass over.

Around 5:40 Spencer’s Uncle Frank calls to see if we have left the house (his aunt and uncle live just down the road from us). I told him we were waiting out the storm and were leaving when it cleared up a little. He said it was horrible and to stay put and then we were cut off. I couldn’t believe he was out in the storm because it was getting so dark, windy and starting to hail. So we wait it out and even watch the storm roll in from an open garage door.

The darkness was like nothing I have ever seen with a storm, but never did Spencer and I realize what was behind that darkness. We are just waiting for the skies to lighten a little so we could head to the party.

We had NO clue there was a tornado that had touched down in Joplin until my mom texted me a little after 6…these are the texts that went back and forth between the two of us for the next hour and a half..

MOM: let me know if you guys are okay. i know a tornado hit parts of Joplin. i am worried about you guys (6:07)

ME: didn't know an actual tornado hit parts...we have no working television. we are totally fine. just waiting it out to head to shannon's for bennetts bday party. (6:08)

MOM: i heard damage near 32nd and shifferdecker and st. johns hosp hit as well as some apartment complexes. so relieved about you guys. (6:11)

ME: the boys are at shannons...can't get ahold of them...so bad damage over there?? call my cell if you can... (6:12)

MOM: can't get thru when i try to call you but they said 22nd and black cat road and mentioned 32nd and shifferdecker. try to text shannon let me know okay? (6:15)

ME: driving to shannons bc we still can't get a hold of anyone...damage and emergency vehicles all over. guess rangeline is pretty bad. (6:32)

MOM: that's what we heard please let me know anything as soon as you can we love you and be careful (6:35)

MOM: are you home yet (6:57)

MOM: do you have any news yet? the kids are okay right? i am worried... (7:34)

So needless to say, it was the LONGEST hour and a half of my life! We left the house as soon as we could get the girls in the car and headed to their neighborhood (approx. 5 miles from our house). People were just starting to get out after the storm, so it was kind of eerie driving across town. We came to the intersection of 26^th and Shifferdecker, just ¼ mile from the entrance to their neighborhood. The scene at that point is nauseating …

Big houses to our right are half gone/destroyed and smaller homes and a neighborhood to our left is completely leveled. We can’t go straight or take a right onto 26^th because of downed trees, poles and power lines. We are stuck. The girls are chipper and totally unaware in the back seat; their giggling and chatter making me even more sick to my stomach. I started shaking and wanted to cry so hard, but tears wouldn’t even come, my body didn’t know how to respond. Too many emotions…too many fears…

Spencer jumps out of the car and yells at me to take the girls back home and he will call me (which we have already realized is impossible since we cannot make or receive calls at this point).
It took all that I had to turn around and head back to the neighborhood.
I wanted to jump out and run towards them with Spencer, but I knew I couldn’t because I had the girls.
I was finally able to get through to my father-in-law, Steve, who was still back at his house in our neighborhood. I was becoming more and more upset (probably better defined as “hysterical”) and I do believe he yelled at me several times…not that I cared as he was 5 miles away and unable to see what I was seeing from this intersection. I turned around and kept him on the phone and drove home, shaking all over and on the verge of getting sick at any moment. Spencer beeped in and I clicked over to hear him say something about Harry and I could hear Shannon say something and then Spencer said “Frank has the boys” and then we were cut off.
He followed up with a text saying “everyone is okay”. I started to calm down and told the girls no more talking as we drove back across town. I tried and tried to keep calling my mom and could never get through, lines were jammed and I was still shaking so much I had a hard time just dialing numbers.

I get to my father-in-laws house and feel somewhat relieved for just a moment…

I tell Steve that Frank has the boys and he says he knew Frank had Wyatt and Ethan.

I am puzzled because I assumed Frank had my boys when Spencer told me that he had “the boys”.
Steve then goes onto tell me that Frank and Aunt Sana took Wyatt and Ethan after they swam earlier that afternoon and he was trying to figure out where Frank was. He was under the impression that they never left his house to go to the party and was somewhere else. I tell him that Frank called me at 5:40 as he was driving into the storm and I had no idea he had Wyatt and Ethan with him at that time! At this point I am making my own conclusions and am certain that when Spencer told me Frank had the boys, he was meaning Wyatt and Ethan and that quite possibly they never made it out to Shannons!

I am in complete panic and trying not to let my mind go there, but as I rehash what we drove up to at 26^th and Shifferdecker, I am anything but positive.

Steve starts sensing this and is making up tons of stuff to make me think otherwise, but I can’t help it and the uncertainty, coupled with not being able to get ahold of ANYONE over on that side of town is killing me!

Finally Steve and I decide to take the girls to a friend’s house in the neighborhood and go back across town. Just as we are passing by our house my friend Melanie pulls up and I jump out to leave the girls with her.

She is taking them inside the house when Uncle Frank comes around the corner with my two boys, Susan and Sana.

I lose it and just start crying because up until that point I wasn’t sure if Wyatt, Ethan, Frank or Sana were even in my life anymore!

But there they are, Wyatt running into my arms and not a scratch on him.
Susan is holding Harry as his shoes are lost somewhere in what was left of my sister-in-law’s house.
He rode out the tornado in their basement, in the arms of Susan and Beth, a family friend who was there for the party that evening as well. Harry was really shook up and upset as he managed to survive an F5 tornado without the comfort of either of his parents. He hugged my neck so tight and wouldn’t let me set him down for quite a while.

As for Wyatt, it is at this point in the evening that I discover how truly gracious God was to us that fateful evening. I must have talked to Frank just moments before he ran off the road that evening to get away from the falling trees, poles and power lines, calmly telling the boys to “take a rest” and lie down in the floorboard. He was so close to Shannon’s neighborhood, but Frank, Sana, Wyatt and Ethan rode the tornado out in his old brown truck…at that unforgettable intersection of 26^th and Shifferdecker.

How they drove away from that with only a minor cut to Ethan’s head (from a broken window in the truck), and a banged up truck, is truly the workings of our God. He has bigger plans for those 4 people in that truck that evening.

So many lives were forever changed in a matter of moments, so many lives lost and injured. Frank drove into Shannon and Barrett’s neighborhood by driving over debris, trees, etc. until he arrived at Shannon’s house where that whole family had emerged from the basement and were prayerfully waiting their arrival.

Shannon had known how close he was and had left the garage door open for them to drive up into and make it into the house. She had tried to wait it out but it was too late and she had to run to the basement and be with everyone else.

She lost it and so did Wyatt and Ethan when Frank and Sana arrived at Shannon’s house after the tornado. The boys sobbed and sobbed and Frank had no expression, gray in color. Sana commented several times on how well the boys did and kept telling Shannon that they were great, everyone was okay.

So many miracles and so many reasons to be thankful for that evening. Your house and your “stuff” can always be replaced. Your family and your friends cannot. We were amazingly lucky that evening and God had his hands over every one of us. We are forever changed, and for the better.

I will never forget those moments of not knowing and that sickening feeling of “what if”. I am just so very thankful everyday for every moment that I have with my children and family because we don’t know what the next day will bring. God is so good!

Welcome Home

2011-06-06T22:22:00.000-05:00

So....we are no longer "Homeless". Not that we ever REALLY were....actually "homeless" that is.

When I was a kid my mom had a plaque in her kitchen that said ~~"Please Don't Write in my Dust."~~ "Home is Where Love Surrounds You."

When we left our house in a mad scramble 2ish weeks ago we went to my sister and brother-in-laws home. My niece and nephews and mother/father-in-law and daughter and dear friends were waiting for us.
We were surrounded by love.

Then we moved into my mom's house...and were joined for almost a week by my brother, father and stepmom.
We were surrounded by love.

Every night we ate with 12-22 people. Cousins came from far away, friends encircled us, we had at least 3 birthday celebrations for Bennett.....
We were SURROUNDED by love.

Now we are spending our 3rd night in our new house.
I couldn't be more grateful. It has a roof, solid walls, a BASEMENT, a sunken couch (which is kinda weird but really needed considering we no longer OWN a couch!), a lava lamp (and room for 12 more!), a fenced yard for the dog and a "secret closet" for Carolyn.

But....more importantly....it has us.
My husband.
My kids.

A good friend of mine snuck a casserole into our fridge and some frozen custard into our freezer and I was able to pull food out of the oven and feed my family in my own place.
The 5 of us and my mom sat on the floor around some flattened cardboard boxes and ate out of Styrofoam bowls with plastic forks.

And I'll tell you something....
I have NEVER felt more blessed.

As funny and cliche (and perhaps even cheesy) as it may sound....my mental picture of "home" has changed.....I hope forever.

Driving home from picking up take-out tonight (we have thrown away more Styrofoam containers that my "i love being green and recycling" mind can handle lately...but oh well!) a song came on I hadn't heard in a while.

I've included the link to the song below....it's really worth your time to listen.

Here...~~see~~ hear for yourself....
That's What Faith Can Do

And stop by sometime.....we'll leave the light on for you (if I can figure out which switch turns on the darn thing!).

Visuals....

2011-06-03T08:29:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures that I've been trying to post a link to....my sister-in-law and I took them during the few days after the tornado.

Click HERE for pictures...

A Little Stillness

2011-06-01T07:17:00.001-05:00

This morning I was somehow able to carve out a few minutes of silence. Barrett was at work, kids (and dog) still sleeping, and my mom was getting ready to head into her job.

I picked up my bible....man is it smoooshed.

Not sure where it was that night, but most of the pages are crumpled and smashed, and weird debris is falling out from it.

In fact, there are quite a few pine needles in the pages.
We didn't have any pine trees.

Anyway, I started to try and clean some of the junk out and smooth the pages. As I ran my hands over different sections I felt a large "bump" and turned the pages to discover a LARGE piece of glass and some...other stuff? The glass was probably 2 inches square. (I took a picture....just have to find my camera cord now!)

Guess where the "glass-mark" had landed?

Psam 46
God is our refuge and strength.
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear,
Even thought the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Thought the mountains shake with its swelling......

Be Still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!

Bring it on today, world. I'm ready.

Today

2011-05-31T17:03:00.000-05:00

Today I went back to our house.
Alone.
I walked around outside of it...found some bubble guns that my parents had given the kids while we were gone under a tree... and picked them up.
I stood in the backyard and looked at the deck. My "mother's day grill" was visible through the insulation.
I looked at Carolyn's window....one of the curtains that my mom's best friend had made was hanging out over the plywood.
I looked in the big bay window (or the opening in the shape of a window) at the built-in bookshelves.
I looked at the green paint on the walls that my neighbor had picked for me.
I examined my hydrangeas I'd planted 2 years ago....still standing but leafless.
I looked at the knock-out rose bush my mother-in-law gave me for mother's day a few years ago. Darn thing is FINALLY blooming.
I looked at my bottle of Vaseline aloe hand lotion sitting outside of my bedroom.
I walked past the forsythia bushes that Bennett was hoping to grow big enough to make into a fort one day.
I saw all of my strawberries...still blooming madly.
I looked at Bennett's mangled blinds coming out of his window.
I saw the roof-lessness over Ethan's room.
I stepped over someone else's pink mattress in my front yard.
I stood in the driveway and noticed the wrought iron kitchen light was still attached to a cross beam....which was jabbed through the table.
I found the top part of our green bird feeder.
I saw a dead cardinal.
I stepped on part of my dining room ceiling.

I took my bubble guns, and I left.

Small Silly Mercies

2011-05-31T08:09:00.000-05:00

My thoughts seem to be a bit....well.....scattered lately. I keep remembering or thinking of random things that happened that I want to KEEP in my head, so I'm going to write some of them here over the next few days. Please bear with me in my scattered randomness....

The one thing I really wanted to find was my glasses. My optical shop is sort of GONE now, and I only had that pair. Not a big deal, but wanted them none-the-less. I usually put them in the top drawer of my night side table, but I admit...I was lazy and left them on top this time. Shame shame. Needless to say, when the window over my night side table EXPLODED (or imploded? What's the tornadically correct term?) everything in the vicinity flew far away. I'd searched my bedroom to to avail. Several days after the actual storm I was walking around the outside of the house when I noticed a green bottle on the ground. It was my hand lotion from my night side table. Hmmmm....I walked over to the area outside of my bedroom window and started to search. There, in the tree, were my glasses. Unbroken, unbent, and definitely NOT in the drawer. Small mercies??? I'll take 'em!

May 22nd, 2011

2011-05-29T23:59:00.000-05:00

On Saturday the 21st Barrett and I had come home from our 15th anniversary trip. The trip had been "extended" by a day due to a missed flight in Puerto Rico, so we'd spent the previous night in a ~~nasty gross utterly yucky~~ airport motel. My gracious dad and step mom had been watching our "angels" for the past week and were ~~beyond exhausted~~ ready to head home. Although we were still missing both of our suitcases (and the kids' souvenirs...much to their dismay) we were really glad to finally be home with our family. Sunday morning, the 22nd, my parents left for the 2 day drive back to Atlanta. The kids and I met Barrett at church, and then I took my boys and 2 nephews to lunch and back to my house while Carolyn went with my niece and sister-in-law back to their house for a nap.

That afternoon we had Bennett's family birthday planned for 5:00 at my in-law's pool. My father-in-law picked up Bennett for some birthday horseback riding while I hung out with the other 3 boys and got a birthday dinner for 16 people ready.

Bennett had requested an "old fashioned 3 layer cake....all vanilla" and I had just finished decorating it with homemade buttercream vanilla frosting. The three boys took the leftover icing on spoons out to the strawberry patch and had fresh "berries and cream" while I cleaned the kitchen. My father-in-law called and said that he and Bennett were lounging by their pool and invited the younger boys to come and swim.

I'd been checking the weather, and because it looked like it might be stormy later, my in-laws and I agreed to change the party to our house and to let the boys do some swimming beforehand at their house. My husband took the 3 boys to his parents' house while I finished getting our house "party ready".

I called/texted everyone and told them to come between 5:15 and 5:30 since we weren't going to be swimming. I popped Bennett's favorite casserole (Ms. Cheryl's Celery Chicken) in the downstairs oven and changed out of my frosting covered clothes.

At a little after 5 Bennett's godparents Beth and John and their kids Emma and Patrick showed up. It was starting to look a little stormy and we agreed we'd made the right decision to move the party to our house instead of the pool. Soon my mother-in-law (mil) arrived with Bennett and my nephew Harry (5). My father-in-law had dropped them off on his way to let his horses out.   She told me that Ethan and my nephew Wyatt would be coming soon with Barrett's aunt and uncle.

The sky was getting darker and darker and I asked my mil how far behind them Ethan and Wyatt were. She said she'd seen them leaving their driveway which was 5 miles away (north) from us.

The sirens went off for the first time.

The tv said that there was a possible tornado sighted in Carl Junction...which is north of us. Beth and John and the kids went down to the basement and they turned the tv on down there. I called Barrett's uncle and he answered his cell phone, joking about how hard it was to talk and drive in the rain. The sirens had stopped, and I told Barrett's uncle about the possible tornado. He told me they were close to our house and were fine.

The sirens went off again.

Barrett was looking out of our kitchen window. My mil was standing in the living room. I opened the door to the garage to make sure it was open for Barrett's uncle, and stood there, holding my dog Rigby's collar so she wouldn't dart out.

Then I saw the sky outside the garage turn really dark.

Things....big things.....flew by.

I turned to look at Barrett and saw things flying by the window behind him.

Barrett's uncle's truck was not in my driveway.
It was not on my street.

Then my ears started POP POP POP POP POP POPPING.

Barrett and I looked at each other.....

Then yelled while running down the stairs "GET INTO THE STORE ROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!"

We yelled at his mother to get down stairs.
The kids had been in the bathroom and came running out. Bennett and Patrick and Emma ran to the storeroom. Harry ran the other way but Barrett grabbed him under his arm and we all ran into the concrete storage room.

I was still holding the dog by the collar.

We got just inside the door and pulled it closed.

I had Bennett and Patrick in front of me with my arms over them, and one arm somehow around Emma. Harry was next to me in Beth's arms and John was next to them. Susan was in front of me and we were all leaning over the dog. Barrett was behind Bennett.

Our ears kept popping....painfully and loudly.

The light that had been coming through the crack under the door was gone and there was just loudness.

Bennett and Patrick were crying and Bennett....my sweet Bennett....said, "Can you please pray?"

I held my arms over them as tightly as I could and prayed as loudly as I could so I could maybe even hear myself....

I know I thanked God for getting us to the basement, I know I asked him to keep us safe, but what I mostly remember is praying over and over again, "Please Father God...cup your hands around Uncle Frank's car....hold them close to you. Hold them in Your hands. Protect Ethan and Wyatt and Uncle Frank and Aunt Sana.....hold them so tightly in your hands dear God....please protect them. We know You love them more than we could ever imagine loving them and we trust You to keep them safe. Please keep them safe.........."

As I prayed I heard noises above me. Kind of a banging around noise. I thought, "It's Uncle Frank! They made it"....but as I kept praying I kept hearing the noise and thought, "Why aren't they coming down here? They would know to come down here? What are they doing? Why won't they come down?"

The banging continued and the praying continued and the loudness continued and the crying continued. Emma was praying too and we were all leaning on top of each other and then........

It stopped.

Light came back through the crack under the door.

There was still some banging above us, but not much.

Barrett started to go out. He opened the door, but it wasn't "right" yet. It was still weirdly loud. I asked him to wait, not to go yet, and he stood there for a few minutes. Then it got quieter and lighter, and he and John went out.

We sat there, not moving, the kids softly crying, and Beth said, "I think it's raining on me."

Water was pouring down near her back.

Then Barrett came back in and looked right in my eyes, and kind of shook his head a little, this really confused expression on his face and said, "Our house is gone."

We stared at each other, and then he said, "I'm going to find them," and ran up.

We left the storage room, and got everyone settled in the main downstairs area away from the water. I had Bennett hold Rigby and my mil held Harry and I walked up the stairs.

The ceiling and walls were everywhere except where they should have been. It was pouring in the house. Furniture and debris was all over. John said, "I'm going to go check on the neighbors." I knew that Barrett was doing everything he could to find our boys and aunt and uncle, and I knew there was nothing I could do to help them now...except pray, which I was unceasingly doing. I asked John to go get my shoes (I was barefoot) which he did and then I climbed over a bookshelf and got a jacket. I went back downstairs and made sure they were settled and safe and left with John out of the garage.

It was raining. My neighbors houses were half gone. I couldn't see some of them because of the gigantic trees in the way. Across the street the K's house no longer had a top story. We ran there first because the little boy there is in Carolyn's class and there house looked so so awful. The front door was blocked and the windows were busted but blocked too so we couldn't get in. We yelled their names and heard nothing. We met another neighbor and tried to get into the garage but couldn't because the roof had come down. We kept calling their names but heard nothing. Then we heard my other neighbor screaming. We ran that way....I was so scared about what she was screaming about because most of the front of their house was gone....but they were ok.

Then it started hailing and the sirens went off again so we ran back to our house.

Barrett wasn't back and Uncle Frank's truck was still not there.

We checked on everyone in our basement...they had moved to the bedroom down there because it was dry and undamaged. They were safe, wrapped in blankets.

The sirens stopped and the hail stopped and John and I went back out of the garage.

Still no truck.

We ran down the street, and saw another house that was missing the top half. People were starting to stagger out of houses and we were yelling to each other, "Have you seen the K's? Did you find the R's? Are the S's ok? Did you see them?"

The neighbor behind me lives alone and doesn't have a basement. John and I ran back there, climbing over trees and wooden planks and fences and found her standing in the middle of some semblance of a house. She was not really coherent, she just said, "I don't have a basement. I can't find the cats. I don't know where the cats went." We helped her out of the window and across the fences and planks and trees to the door of our basement. I knocked and Bennett let us in. We brought the neighbor to the bedroom and my mil wrapped her in a blanket.

I started back out of the basement door, still trying to get news of other neighbor.  There was a loud hissing sound coming from the back of the neighborhood and you could smell gas. I was checking with neighbors when John yelled to me, "FRANK IS HERE....THEY ARE OK."

I ran back in and started up our basement stairs, but somehow my knees gave out, and I ended up sliding back down. Beth...well, Beth caught me, pulled me up, and put her arm around me and we got up the stairs.

I ran through the garage. The truck was in the driveway with the doors all shut. It was pretty dented on the side and the back window was shattered, but the windshield was ok.

Frank was sitting in the driver's seat with his hands on the wheel not moving. His face was completely gray.
Sana kept saying, "It's all right. They're ok...we're ok....they are ok...it's all right." I opened the back door....the boys saw me and burst into hysterical sobs. I grabbed them both. I held on so tight.

God is so so so good. He is so good.

Ethan had shoes so he walked next to me. Wyatt was barefoot so I carried him over the glass and down into the basement. I honestly can't remember everyone coming together in the basement at that point, but I know the relief was actually tangible.

The ceiling started falling down in the storage room and we knew we needed to get out of the house. Barrett and I went upstairs to grab....well....whatever it is you think is so very important and essential at a time like that. I grabbed a folder that had our birth certificates and passports, a box with my wedding ring and my bible. John found a duffel bag and came up to the kids' rooms with me. We grabbed their "special" blankets/animals, and shoved various clothing of theirs into the bag.

I remember asking John to grab the hermit crab cage. He was so calm and kind. Then I went down to the playroom to check the other animals. You know, almost every window on the front of the house shattered EXCEPT the ones in the playroom. They blew in, which saved the animals lives. I threw the 3 critters into a portable cage and stuffed some food in a random bag and asked John to put it in the car.

We walked everyone up the stairs. Frank and Sana left with my mil, Wyatt and Harry to find their parents. My brother-in-law arrived on foot. He and Kim (my sister-in-law) didn't even know there had been a tornado. They had been coming to Bennett's party....driving down Shifferdecker when suddenly, they realized that the street was destroyed. Spencer jumped out, told Kim to take the girls home, and ran as fast as he could to find us. I was able to tell him that the boys were ok....and on their way to their mother.

We could still hear and smell the gas, and by word-of-mouth we were able to ascertain that all neighbors in the back loop of of neighborhood were accounted for and ok. We knew we had to get the kids out of there, so we loaded them into our cars (dented but mostly fine). It was still raining. Spencer drove me in my car and Barrett drove his with the boys in the back. We stopped to check on people, but really wanted to get the kids out of there. We couldn't call anyone to check on them....and so we drove some strange weird route over to the north side of town which was untouched. The radio kept saying that the city was hit. Devastated. That more tornadoes were touching down. We felt so frantic....to get our hands on all our kids and get them somewhere safe.

We got to Kim's house. Everyone was waiting. Everyone was ok. Everyone was ok. We were ok.

Barrett and Spencer got on their bikes and rode back across town to the hospital. We had seen it when we left my house and knew they'd need....well...they needed something? Everything? We had to hold the kids. They had to go help.

Ethan had a small cut on the back of his head.   That's because a stop sign had shattered the back window. The intersection where Frank pulled his car over to avoid the tumbling power lines is basically flattened. Frank's car wasn't even picked up. Not quite 2 blocks south from that intersection is the entrance to my neighborhood. A car pulling into the entrance was caught in the tornado and the passenger, a young man who had graduated from high school that day, was pulled out of the sunroof.

I know beyond any small shadow of an inkling of a doubt that God's hand is all that kept Uncle Frank's truck safe that night. I will write more about our stories, about what happened, and about what we are going to do. As I write these things I will continue to thank God and praise Him for all of His blessings. I will pray for everyone who needs to feel His presence right now and in the weeks and months and years to come.

I am so grateful. So humbled. So blessed.

test

2011-05-29T22:41:00.001-05:00

Trying this from my mom's computer and a "shannon-rigged" connection....does it work?

Frosty's Evil Cousin

2011-02-08T12:52:00.000-06:00

As we're driving down the road Carolyn caught sight of a snowman.

Since it had warmed up yesterday ~~disregard the fact that we have now returned to the frozen flippin' tundra~~ the poor guy had lost...well...whatever he had for eyes and a mouth, but still retained a long icy snowy nose.

In other words....there were dark vacant holes for eyes and a dark cavernous mouth, and a disturbingly pointed nose-thing.

Not so "frosty"-like. Not so much.

Carolyn, being the super-observant child she is, YELLS out at the top of her lungs....."EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! Look at that! He does look like a monster snow man!"

"Yes, he does," I observe.

"I am NEVER NEVER NEVER sleeping with HIM!"

Ummmm.......ok.
What to say? Good? Great decision? Don't forget it? Don't sleep with anyone made of three melting sections?
I wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that particular comment....so I just did the sagacious mom-nod and wisely said, "Good girl."

Blizzard Blizzard Blizzard

2011-02-06T16:24:00.000-06:00

When I was a kid one of my favorite books series (along with 62% of other kids I'm sure) was the Laura Ingalls Wilder books.

I must have read them 16 times. In fact, one year my mom made Halloween costumes for my friend and I....I was Laura, of course! (Probably a good thing I can't drag THAT one out of the photo archives!)

I used to wish that I had been born hundreds of years earlier. I thought that life must have been so much more exciting and wonderful back then....
I loved imagining how it must have felt to be stuck in a wild blizzard...how the wind must have sounded as it howled past your log cabin/sod home...how warm and safe you must have felt in your little cocoon of firelight while the world turned a frightening shade of white outside.

Well..after this week....all I'm sayin' is.........Thank you so much, God...for not granting the wishes of a 7-year old girl and placing her in a situation which I now know would have really truly been WAY more than her fragile sanity could have handled. Guess He kinda sorta DOES know best, huh?

So we made it through BLIZZARD WEEK 2011. Yes...we did make it. BUT we made it with electricity...hot drinks...a gas fire....a Wii....neighbors with playmates/dinner offers/hot toddies to keep us sane...internet....a RH who could pick up extra supplies....telephones....tv....Starbucks coffee at home.

I am reasonable certain that without ANY of these supplies....I would have perished.
Plain and simple.
As it was.....we had some fun in our winter wonderland.
Actually....lots of fun.
I have truly gained at least 7 pounds due to our "experimental" baking...but hey. Kept me warm!

Once the 40-50mph wind gusts stopped and the sun peeked out....we even got to enjoy the crazy new landscape!

The "kids" built snow forts (consisting of two tunnels through two piles of snow) from which to launch snow missiles at each other and finally determine WHO was king/queen of the family!

Sometimes....they just had to meet in the middle though! (look closely please....2 pairs of feet! Clever....admit it!)

Other times they had to pause and let me try and capture a beautiful family picture ~~under the threat that I would not dig the blasted tunnels myself anymore because I was tired of snow filling up my snowpants and matting my hair to my face~~ because they love their 'ol mom dearly.

When RH made it home from work the kids got to "re-experience" (see last year's posts....) that strange midwest phenomena called Redneck Sledding.

Carolyn sat in her Dad's lap yelling "FASTER!!!!"

So Dad did.

He went faster.

Faster and faster until...well...that's the way the little redneck bounces!

But...don't worry. It was equal opportunity bouncing!

Thank goodness for hot chocolate. And snow suits. And bouncy children!

Then home for some more snow fun. Carolyn tried out the new "snow scooter".....(maybe next year, honey!)

And the little kids tried to accomplish the simple task of walking through our front yard.

The dogs were a little stir crazy too...so we spent some time playing with them...

All in all...much snowy fun. Much wet laundry, much cocoa consumed, much mopping of floors (not really, but it was MUCH needed), and much time together.

Come to think of it....I actually probably could do pretty well as Laura Ingalls Wilder.

If she had the internet.

And indoor plumbing.

And Starbucks.

(disclaimer....no young rednecks were harmed during this blizzard)

Comments?

2011-02-04T07:57:00.000-06:00

I THINK I have fixed the comment section. I THINK you are now able to leave comments....should you wish to do so. I THINK that now you don't have to be a Google user ID person to do it.

Let me know if it works.

Technology ain't my strongest point.

Two Feet and Vinegar..

2011-02-02T20:00:00.000-06:00

First of all (drum roll please........) the ~~10 year old's method of using a bend-able yard stick and attempting to measure 8 different places in the yard without burying himself in drifts~~ OFFICIAL snowfall count for our little corner of Missouri!

22 INCHES!!!!

That's our yard average! Now there were some drifts that were close to 3 1/2 feet....and some that looked higher...but just under 2 feet is what we came up with.
Pretty fluffy and dry...but just good enough to make an amazing snow tunnel fort.

(notice the friend peeking out by Bennett's knee?)

Then the next order of business.....a recipe.

Sometimes....~~especially when you run out of other indoor projects because the actual temp is ONLY 3 and the wind chill is unthinkable~~ you just want to have quality cooking time with your kids.

That's when you look for a cool-ish kid-appealing recipe. My kids (and friends) happen to HATE the smell of vinegar. Therefore, I thought this would be a great recipe to try! :)

Vinegar Candy

Ingredients:

2 cups sugar
½ cup vinegar
2 tablespoons butter

Instructions:
Melt butter in saucepan.
Add vinegar and sugar...stir until sugar is dissolved.
Bring to boil and stir until a drop of mixture in a cup of cold water turns brittle.
Pour into buttered pan and let cool a bit.
Using tips of fingers, pull and stretch it out, then cut or break into bite size pieces.
Let harden and let the addiction begin.

It's seriously good.

Wonder how well it's going to go with our homemade coffee ice cream?

Even I think that combo might be a little iffy....

I COULD Be Wrong..

2011-02-01T16:00:00.000-06:00

I am a little embarrassed to confess that I have a bit of an addiction to the weather channel.
It's true.
I like to watch it. Lots.
Maybe "knowing" the weather gives me some ~~elusive yet very really longed for~~ sort of "control" over my life?
Maybe not.
Either way....I've logged in many hours watching Local on the 8's.
I've seen many daily forecasts during those hours.
These have included "partly cloudy", "wintry mix", "foggy", "sunny", "partly sunny" etc.
But...I have NEVER NEVER NEVER seen what I saw predicted for today.
It said....."BLIZZARD".
Blizzard?
In SOUTHwest Missouri?
Huh?
Last night school was cancelled before we had seen even ONE drop of anything. I thought ~~with my vast and superior Georgian-born snow knowledge~~ that perhaps the region was...ah-hem---overreacting a tad bit.
Then I saw a Facebook photo (thanks, Ruth) of the bread shelves in Wal-Mart. They were TOTALLY bare. Totally. Totally as in...not ONE loaf left.
Then I saw the words, "SNOW-MAGEDDON" flash across the news.
Then my (super duper fabulous) sister-in-law called to invite my youngest two offspring to spend the next to nights with her to be "live-in" playmates.
Hmmmmmmm.
Maybe I was UNDER-reacting??

So I packed up the young ones with all of their snow stuff ~~as quickly as I could before she changed her mind~~ and kissed them good-bye, cleaned the house and went to bed.

When I woke up.....
Well.
I am not usually a person who minds saying if I am wrong....and you know what?
I was wrong.
I was so so so so so so so so so so very wrong.
Way wrong.

Not only did we have some serious serious snow.....the wind was blowing so hard you couldn't see the top of the street!

At 10:00 we had 11 inches...

And it just kept coming down!!!!!!!!

Did I mention I was wrong?
Snow.
Blizzard.
Woah.

~~Daniel Boone wanna-be~~ Bennett enjoyed the snow-day when dressed appropriately....

And Rapp enjoyed it too.

Let's see what the next few hours bring.

BUT....I'll tell you something, Mother Nature...

I have bread...

I have hot chocolate...

I have diet coke...

I have cookies...

I have stuff to make snow ice cream.....

BRING IT ON, LADY....BRING IT ON!

What do You Call It?

2011-01-30T14:20:00.000-06:00

Today after church as I was puttering around the house trying to ~~dig myself out of the weekend chaos~~ straighten up a bit I overheard Carolyn chatting away to herself in her room.
I stopped in to see what was happening in her little life...and she showed me her doll which was wearing a massive plastic diaper and an ace bandage. Then she wove together her Sunday school lesson and some recent cartoons to explain to me what had happened.

Carolyn's Story

"Today....my little daughter had....what do you call it? Leprosy. On her arm. So she had to get a big bandaid? So then she broke her other arm and had to get a cast. Then she was trying to hold on tight to her Daddy when they were jumping with a parachute but it was hard because she had a cast and....what do you call it? Leprosy. So she dropped her daddy and the parachute and she fell into the ocean and she was trying to swim super fast to her mommy...that is ME....but the shark was faster so it bited her in the arm...NOT the arm with the cast but the arm with....what do you call it? Leprosy. The bunny...that was her very cute pet bunny....tried to save her from that shark but it was not fast enough so it just couldn't. So then my daughter got out of the ocean and a ladybug gave her a ride on its back but it didn't help her feel better so then the ladybug just took her to the doctor and the doctor fix-ed her broken arm but if he touched her arm with....what do you call it? Leprosy...then he would have it too. But I am her mom and I touched her and I didn't get....what do you call it? Leprosy. So she is ok now. That's all."

Today

2011-01-20T20:36:00.000-06:00

Today.
Today was a-NOTHER snow day.
Since the kids got out for Christmas break we have not had school for more than 2 consecutive days. That's over SIX weeks.
Hmmmmm.
Perhaps that's why I got off of the couch today and realized I had NO idea where my socks had gone? Or in fact... where my AFTERNOON had gone?
Hmmmmm.

Maybe school will start tomorrow.

Then again....maybe I will find my socks tomorrow.
Either way....I win.

Wish That I Knew What I Know Now....

2011-01-16T19:42:00.000-06:00

As I age---I mean mature----I realize new things every day. One recurring theme of my realizations is this: things that were really fun when I was...."younger"....aren't always quite as fun now.

First example: staying up late.

Then: awesome special treat night full of candy, pizza, movies and friends followed by sleeping in super late.

Now: night that may be super fun or just required followed by a morning in which your kids inevitably awake at the "crack of" and need many things.

Another example: Bublicious bubble gum

Then: yummy yummy yummy.

Now: ewwwwwwww.

Last example: sledding

Then: adrenaline rush as you tried to see how fast you could go with or without killing yourself.

Now: Fun until the end of the hill when you somehow manage to flip off the curb and hit a previously invisible metal trash can. Then you need tylenol for the next 3 days.

Really last example: spring break

I don't think I'll say anymore on that one.

Now this brings me to my topic.

Snow days.

Fun....but not quite the same kind of fun I remember as a kid

ESPECIALLY when there is not really all that much snow, and the schools are out for ice and super bitter cold temps that make it really hard to venture 3 feet out of your back door.

Well we have enjoyed our snow days this week, and our sick days and our too icy to go out days. Much bonding has occurred. Especially with RH out of town and the aforesaid bonding occurring between children, dogs and ME.

We have LITERALLY had 4 days of school since Christmas Break.

Happy kids....scattered mom.

Anyway, we did get in a little sledding before we entered the Arctic circle.....and it WAS fun (for the small lightweight ones)!

Notice how even though they plowed into the rocks there is NO crying! They may be made of some sort of rubber material.....

Then it's on to MLK day and (although I do think MLK was an amazing man and I do not at all begrudge him his holiday) another bloody day off of school!

Yea!

What oh what shall we do?

We've already baked heart and owl cookies....

And made some seriously wicked squirrel traps...

And played out roles as various barnyard animals.

What to do....what to do....what to do?

Hmmmmm. Maybe we can go bowling in Canada. I would like that, I think.

Thought for Thursday.....

2011-01-13T13:44:00.001-06:00

Yup. She's a plumber's daughter.

I guess it's a good thing her daddy doesn't work for a pest control company. Or run a poop-scooping business.

A Small Change....

2011-01-13T13:23:00.000-06:00

I started a blog 3 (and a little bit) years ago as my husband and I were heading down to Guatemala to bring our daughter home. It really helped our boys stay connected to us and allowed family and friends to be a part of the journey. It also helped keep me sane as we navigated the strangest "delivery room" in Central America!

Since then the blog has become....well....fun.
It keeps our long distance family in touch with our daily life (without making them come in person!)....
It gives my kids a record of the fact that we DO do fun things in our lives (even though they are sure I never let them do anything worthwhile)....
It gives our friends the chance to peek into our lives (often shaking their heads in utter disbelief of our life)...
And it allows us to (selectively!) live out loud. To share our faith...our family...our chaos and our wonderfully messy lives with anyone who has the crazy desire to dive in!

My last blog driver was not quite what I wanted to keep going with....so I've renamed and moved the blog to here. If you want the background....head over to Family of Five and party on.

Meanwhile....I'll try to make myself at home here. Check back soon....we'll chat.