You know...to be honest (because there seems to be a "let me be totally honest
While I have always enjoyed the 4th...the awesome Americana party at RH's family's house...the lake (which we had to forgo due to an infestation of toxic blue-green algae)....the cute matching outfits on all of the kids (including mine of course)...watermelon and red white and blue desserts......I have always found myself VERY TIRED by the time the actual night of the 4th rolled around.
I love living in a town where kids (of ALLLLLLL ages) get so excited about fireworks and love shooting them off several evenings before the holiday....but I kind of sort of possibly got a bit tired of of not being able to get to sleep until close to midnight 3 or 4 nights in a row because I live in a town where kids get so excited about fireworks.
Makes me old and unpopular.
So by the time the 5th comes....I am ready (and VERY grateful) for an early-ish bedtime and a full boom/crash/bang-less night of sleep.
Well, this year was a little different.
This year, the celebrating was different.
Yes...we had sparklers and watermelon and cute matching outfits (although for some reason no one in MY family could seem to wear them at the same time and actually MATCH) and great patriotic themed food....but there was something different about all of it.
I am searching for the right word to describe this difference.....
Something like that, anyway.
As I've mentioned....six weeks PT things still aren't like they used to be....and these "things" include emotions.
Sure, we had a great time with the kids on our weekend getaway, but all 5 of us knew that being able to order 2 desserts every night was a "celebrate being away from the disaster zone we call our hometown" treat and not real life.....
Sure we've had a wonderful company and dinner brought by dear friends but we all sat on the carpet (and by carpet I also mean the carpeted couch) and carefully avoided speaking about the fact that our real furniture was currently located under 2 tons of shingles and glass....
Sure I've taken the kids to the pool to swim but inevitably we run into "old neighbors" whom I haven't gotten to talk to since May 22nd and our discussions quickly turn to "Where-Were-You" stories....
But these last few nights have been DIFFERENT.
For some reason, the underlying "disaster-mind" (that strange almost-physical feeling of slight pressure on every inch of your skin reminding you that life as you knew it is totally gone and you can't look back because there IS NO back) wasn't present.
Instead....there was loud laughter.
Louder (happy) explosions.
Glow bracelets on happy girls.
Blueberry and strawberry tarts.
Parents yelling "Don't chase your sister/brother/friend/anyone with that sparkler again!"
Filthy children....who were smiling.
Maybe the chaos and the loudness "drowned out" anything else?
Truthfully and unfortunately (but probably realistically) that anxiety is back this morning.
Today I woke up thinking about the
the insurance claims I need to sort out for furniture restoration and fixing frames of pictures that are salvageable....
the fact that the hatchback to my car is now completely broken (thanks to the rear-ending I received 3 weeks ago) and how I'm going to find the time to get that fixed....
the possibility that (according to my mom) there are still cabinets and light fixtures in my old driveway because the people from Habitat either didn't want them or forgot to come and get them.....
Just the "new normal" again.
But man.....it was so so so great to feel that "old normal" for a while last night.
In Psalm 116: 7 (which is the one marked forever by pine needles in my bible) it says:
"Return to your rest, O my soul,
For the Lord has dealt bountifully with you."
Please remind me to remember....
My soul doesn't need a "certain kind of normal" to be at rest.
My soul can (and SHOULD) rest in the certain knowledge that God has dealt bountifully with me....
has taken care of me...
has taken care of my family....
has BEYOND supplied for my needs.
Now I KNOW that this family is not going to be staying up till midnight-ish every night doing fireworks (please dear Father in heaven no no no).....
but we found some of that old-fashioned non-anxiety ridden joy last night.
It's still out there.
It comes in little slices and pieces.
I am working on praying myself into the rest God wants me to return to....
It's slow-going some days....but I think it will come.
I also think I have to get that hatch-back fixed before it squashes one of my kids.
Got a lot of work to do today......
Better pray up and get moving.