Break That Chain....

Yesterday I made a big fat mistake.

I should have known better.

In fact...I DID know better.

I just somehow forgot what I knew.

I was reading a verse I really love that says:

"And not only that but we also glory in tribulations, know that tribulation produces perseverance (sometimes translated as "patience") and patience produces character, and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

Romans 5:3-5

Great verse, by the way.

And upon reading this verse I thought of ALL the ways I have been showing how much I lack patience.

So....

(And you KNEW this was coming....)

I asked God to help me with patience.

Dang.

Bad idea.

Good thing to want....but bad idea.

Because in order for me to learn patience....

Well....look at the verse.

What produces patience?

(Give you a hint....the answer is not "a calm peaceful rainbow-y kind of day".)

So.

And so.

To sum it up?

The kids woke up and the morning went to pot.

They whined...I yelled.

They crept like snails...I barked orders.

They picked on each other...I snapped.

They spilled stuff...I fumed.

They ignored me....I got louder.

They got upset....I did too.

Patience?

That bad boy didn't even get one foot in the window.

On the sullen quiet snuffling ride to school I took a few deep breaths.

I knew what I had done....
And I felt awful.

Sure....they need some discipline.

In fact they need discipline, manners, stop watches, referees, groomers and an occasional drop-kick,

But they are really good kids.

KIDS.

K.I.D.S.

Kids who are learning how to be responsible God-loving adults...

And who unfortunately have psycho mom as their example.

So I did what I must sadly too often do...

I apologized.

I told them I shouldn't have lost my temper and raised my voice.

I asked their forgiveness and told them how very much I love them...

and tried to change the focus to other things they were going to do that day.

We got to school without further incidents and they climbed out of the car smiling and shouting (or whispering for those in 4th grade and above) "I love you's!" and moseyed on in to class.

And I pulled away with tears in my eyes because I felt like the biggest jerk in the world.

What had I done?

AGAIN?

God gave me these three little people...AS A GIFT!

Three precious beautiful souls.

Children I was supposed to teach about God's love....

AND I YELLED AT THEM ALL MORNING!

I am so unworthy of these gifts.

I am truly a lousy mom.

I am the WORST example to them.

That's what I sat thinking in my car.

These kids deserve so much more than I can give them in terms of leadership, love, and calmness.

Maybe they'd be better off if I went back to work and hired a cool nanny who was a cross between Mary Poppins and Jessie from Nickelodeon.

But then I remembered what I had told my son a few days before.

He had requested for me to do something, and when I told him "no" he came back with his typical 9 year old response (which is actually the typical response for all my kids because they adore their aunt and cousins),

"But Aunt Kim lets the cousins do it!"

And I retorted with my standard reply,

"Aunt Kim is much cooler than I am.

And sorry kid....but for some reason, God picked me to be your mom."

Wait.
That was it.

That IS it.

God PICKED me to be their mom.

He picked me.

He chose me.

He selected me to be the one to raise these beautiful souls.

Why? 

I truly have no earthly idea.

I suck at it much of the time.

But...God knows what is going on.

He knew...
even before ever creating my great great great a gazillion times great grandfather...
that I would come along with my short temper and desire for order and perfection.

He knew how I would react to whining and "accidental" elbow bumping.

He knew what noises would make my left eyelid twitch....and He still chose to give me these children.

"For I have chosen her, that she may command her children and her household after her to keep the way of the Lord by doing righteousness and justice, so that the Lord may bring to Abraham what He has promised him."

Genesis 18:19 (underline/emphasis mine)

God knew.

He knows.

And God simply does NOT make mistakes.

I mess up with my kids.

Some days more than others.

That is a sad true undeniable fact.

But...God knew that before He gave them to me.

I have to remember....that He knows best.

I can't berate myself...yell at myself....make myself feel even lower than I already do about the mistakes I make with my kids.

I have to break that chain...

Remember that I need and have God's help...

And just buck up and try again.

Does God want me to snap at my kids?

To lose patience and get angry and frustrated?

To raise my voice when things don't go smoothly?

Big fat NO to that.

I need to be a godly example to them....

And that includes the areas of patience, tolerance, self-control....

AND following God's word.

God's word which says, 

Despite my MANY inaptitudes...

I am chosen to be a mom.

I have to break the chain of self criticism that I wrap around myself when it comes to mothering.
Funny....(or not!) but I ran across a Cool Blog today that showed me how many moms struggle with this.

Apparently there are a lot of us.

So....
We're not all great moms.
I'm nowhere near great most of the time.

But....I am enough....because I am chosen.

No matter how badly I mess up...
I can turn it around.
I can realize,
repent,
apologize....
and try again.

According to God.....I'm still the right girl for the job.

Will my kids hate me at some point for what I do to them?
Probably they will....that's why I'm saving for their therapy now!

But even when they yell at me and tell me that I'm personally ruining their life...
I don't have to feel trapped by the fact that I'm awful and they should have another better mom.

By knowing that God chose ME....
I can break that rusty rough chain that has bound me to the idea that I am not good enough for the job.

God chose me to be the mom.
And I'm sticking with it.
Because God knows what He's doing....even when I don't!

He'll help me with these little critters.....
I just have to remember to ask Him BEFORE I become Unglued.

And while I am truly and honestly grateful to have an opportunity to learn patience....
I think I won't specifically ask for that again for a while.