I'm annoyed at myself.
It's been FIVE weeks since the tornado......yet I still feel utterly discombobulated 80% of the time.
My short-term memory is SHOT.
I can't remember what I went to a store to get.
I lose every flippin' list I make.
I can't get this stupid total pain in my butt excel spread sheet of all our possessions to work because
I have a mattress in the dining room that I can't seem to remember to take back. A mattress. It's big. Hard to miss.
I started crying at Sam's when my raspberries spilled and the lady in the next check-out lane glared at me.
I take the wrong turns driving anywhere and am constantly late....and I've always prided myself on my punctuality.
For literally TWO weeks now I've forgotten EVERY DAY to call the "Furniture Rescue" place.
Anyway, I'm just not up to my PT self....and I'm annoyed.
What's the deal? I realize 5 weeks isn't 5 years....but it's plenty long to get back in the game.
I have a home base now. We all have mattresses WITHOUT MOLD. Underwear has been found (or purchased) for all of us. I even have new Monkey Grass (thanks, Uncle Frank!) that the kids have remembered to water.
What's it going to take to feel "settled"?
Yesterday morning my pastor taught out of Luke.
Luke 12: 13-34, to be exact.
I'm not going to quote all of it here (although the read is soooo worth the effort!), but here are some "highlights" that really pierced my heart.
(I am doing some serious piecing and jumping around here....still quoting Luke, but in a funky way....)
(Jesus said,) " 'Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one's life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses,'.......then he said to His disciples....'Do not worry about your life, what you will eat; nor about the body, what you will put on. Life is more than food and the body more than clothing.....if God (takes such good care of birds and grass), how much more will He clothe you, O you of little faith?
Which of you by worrying can add one day to his life? Seek the kingdom of God, and all (other things that you think you need) shall be added to you.' "
You know how sometimes you think the pastor is speaking DIRECTLY TO YOU?
And other times I think, "Interesting message, but not really pertinent to my life right now." (maybe only I think that way?)
Well to be honest (again), at first I didn't feel all that "spoken to".
I am honestly truly completely sincerely totally truthful when I say I AM OK NOT HAVING MY OLD HOUSE AND STUFF.
It's not just lip service......it's a sincere not-all-that-concerned feeling about those possessions of mine.
I'm pretty darn lucky.
I haven't had to worry about having enough food. I have friends, family, and an insurance policy that have taken care of that. I have clothes to cover my family. The tornado presented a good spring cleansing, and we'll go school shopping in the fall.
Big flippin' deal.
I KNOW that God takes care of my needs.
I have seen it, experienced it, felt it, believe it.
So....this passage isn't so-much for me, right?
Well.....maybe. Maybe not.
In it, Jesus also says that worrying is not such a good or healthy or obedient past-time.
He tells me not to be anxious.
Well, I think that maybe possibly sorta.....I am not listening to that very well.
True, I'm not worried about clothing or food....but I am still very shaken.
I don't mind changing my life around....but I didn't get to make the decision to change it.
A stupid EF-5 did it for me.
And that stupid EF-5 violently ripped away the home (not the house, mind you...but the sense of "home" inside of the walls) I've worked for 15 years to create.
It stole my organization, my summer plans, my time, my children's peaceful sleep, my joy in thunderstorms, my husband's 9 hour days, my emotional stability.......
Let me be clear....the tornado DID NOT shake my faith.
The tornado DID shake my "normal".
Every aspect of it.
I said to RH--if someone grabs your torso and violently shakes you...you can't expect your hand to be able to write smoothly and legibly no matter HOW good your muscle control might be. (I'm actually kinda proud of that analogy....)
But...and let's be honest AGAIN....the Bible doesn't say that "you can't worry about clothes, but anxiety over your normal life being torn away is totally fine."
It says, First seek God, and all the OTHER things will fall into place as they should (paraphrased, me).
So, I'm gonna try.
I'm gonna try to remember where my heart is rooted.
I'm gonna try to bury myself a little deeper in Him.
I'm gonna hand over my anxieties (and quit grabbing them back) and just breathe.
It's ok if I don't get that stupid stupid stupid excel spread sheet turned in this week.
It's ok if I'm not on time to the kids' tennis camp.
It's ok if I cry when I drive into our old neighborhood.
It's ok if we eat out for the next 2-16 weeks.
These things are ok...these feelings are OK to have.....but they are not a reason for me to feel overwhelmed and flummoxed and discombobulated.
They are simply emotions and things to recognize.....and then turn over to God.
Gotta quote one more song here....
"When my world is shaking....
When my heart is breaking....
I never leave Your hands."
So.....MAYBE the gospel of Luke was meant for me too.
Every once and a rare while....I don't mind being wrong.
Here's a link to the song, "Your Hands"